Report: Human Bobbleheads Are Poor Drivers

The incredible shrinking pretend-celeb, Nicole Ritchie, was arrested in the early morning hours of Dec. 11 after failing a field sobriety test. Apparently, the appearance of a black Mercedes SUV roaring the wrong way down the 134 freeway in Burbank, piloted only by a human bobblehead, alarmed motorists enough to call 911. When cops tracked her down at 1:45 a.m., Ritchie had apparently thought it would be a good idea to turn in the correct direction, park in the car-pool lane and make a call on her cell phone. Despite being the only car on the road, she told police officers that she was following a “friend.” No truth to the rumor that her father’s song “Zoomin’” was playing on the radio at the time.

She told authorities that she had imbibed a Vicodin-and-marijuana cocktail, but they said that she was both “cooperative” and “humble,” alleged to be the first time she has ever experienced these adjectives and fueling speculation that the medical profession, for the first time, is advocating a permanent Vicodin-and-THC IV for Ritchie.

Considering that she endangered countless lives while careening the wrong way down a major road in one of the most densely populated areas in the country, Ritchie is lucky that the only charge she faces is DUI, with a Feb. 7 court date. After being processed, the 25-year-old “skelebrity” was released from Glendale Police Department at 7:15 in the morning after a $15,000 bail was posted. I’m going to assume that she then skipped breakfast.

It was not Ritchie’s first “scrape” with the law; she was nabbed for heroin possession in February 2003. Perhaps most alarmingly, the Ritchie arrested in 2003 was a 5-2, 90-pound white woman; this Ritchie is a 5-1, 85-pound black woman. Most are assuming that it is the same person and that starving yourself can have side effects such as shrinkage and changing of race. When asked for comment, Christina Ricci’s representatives issued a statement reading simply, “Sho nuff, cracker bitches. Word.”

Reportedly, Lindsay Lohan immediately released a letter begging her one-time friend to “hafta” be “adequite,” referring to Ritchie as the grandmother she never had. She also wrote that, for the “12st” time, getting arrested is “tedious” and that the wind had been knocked out of her heart. There were no comments from Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, who have been allegedly shopping for crotchless baby outfits for days.

E! Television is reportedly already working on a script based largely on Saturday Night Live’s “Toonces the Driving Cat” skit, a reality show in which Ritchie is forced to vomit every mile while her miniature poodle navigates a Hummer the wrong way down the Santa Monica Boulevard. Disney has optioned the movie rights as a possible “Herbie the Love Bug” sequel.

Fight the good, fight, Nicole. Let your father’s words from “Running With the Night” serve as your motto:

“On the boulevard wild and free
Giving all we got, we laid it down
Taking every shot, we took the town
We were running with the night”