Pork-Rinding the Vote and Promising Not to Get Sick

Last month, Brent and Paul had some spirited back and forth concerning the relative academic and intelligence merits of Virginia vs. North Carolina. Even though Paul ended the conversation with a strange reference to the fact that he has no asshole and that Asian kids can vary their height according to how many burgers and fries they eat, it was an interesting debate.

To further the argument, I scoured the AP wire and found two highly disturbing stories emanating from Virginia and West Virginia. The first dealt with a Medicaid pilot project taking place in West Virginia. According to the New York Times,

“In a pilot phase starting in three rural counties over the next few months, many West Virginia Medicaid patients will be asked to sign a pledge ‘to do my best to stay healthy,’ to attend ‘health improvement programs as directed,’ to have routine checkups and screenings, to keep appointments, to take medicine as prescribed and to go to emergency rooms only for real emergencies.”

“I promise to stay healthy?!” Priceless. “I’ll do my best to avoid having other cars run into me and I’ll try not to fall as much or juggle sharp objects.” Ah, the forward-thinking ideology of health insurance reform during the final term of the antichrist …

On a lighter note, the Richmond Times-Dispatch shares a charming story of a former mayor in Virginia who was caught trying to rig a local election with bribes of – wait for it – pork rinds. Yes. Freaking pork rinds. Plus, in addition to forging absentee ballots, potential voters were also offered bribes of “booze, cigarettes, prescription medication and snacks.”

Unsurprisingly, this took place in Appalachia …

“Hey, Billy Joe Jim Bob Jason Ray, Jr., I’ll a-give ye some Rohypnol and some Nabs if ye’un vote fer me. I done bet Myrtle Bea will like that, sure ‘nough.”

Hopefully, Paul will take a little time away from playing Galaga and Defender with his Hari Krishna buddies down at the arcade and ponder why his part of the world is now dominated by the ideas of “rubbing dirt” on open wounds, “walking off” major knee injuries and carving a path to the White House using only fried, processed pig parts.