Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Spotlight On Odd Personnel Choices For Freefalling ‘Fins, Plus Can State Rally In Tally?

A home loss to a bad Beefalo team

Three straight Ls take the steam

A McKinnie trade on the fly

But why not do it on the bye?

Lotsa questions, few answers, it does seem

A government shutdown finally ends

No plan means nothing to defend

That’s politics of obstruction

Without idea or construction

The Tea Party and insanity does blend

A beatdown in the fake Death Valley

Lotsa Winston and no Tajh rally

Clemson being Clemson, I guess

Now State’s turn to take the test

Gonna be an ugly Saturday in Tally

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 69

#1

Stormtroopers in pink? I think if C3PO wasn’t gay, he would totally dig this.

#2

There is a kid on Florida State named Sterling Lovelady. It’s hard not to envision him as this guy addressing the team before games.

#3

So who had odds that 2013 playoff goat Raheem Moore—he of the “epic blunder”—would not only still be a member of the Denver Broncos this year, but also the starting free safety?!

#4

Half of parenthood is trying to convince yourself that that stain isn’t what you know it is.

#5

Former Pack great (and Dolphins destroyer) Mario Williams looks like the deputy sheriff (LaMonica Garrett) “Sons of Anarchy.”

#6

41 “Seinfeld” references in a 5-minute sportcast, then the anchor is one-upped by his co-anchor doing an Elaine dance. This would be my every broadcast. Epic.

#7

This piece gets a bit abstract and existential, but bear with it: It’s well worth it to learn about being born as a parent.

#8

The Coast Guard, the Arctic and the Evelynbear. That is all.

#9

Sean Payton is a tweaker, a cheater and a douche. I guess those are the kinds of things that are celebrated by ESPN. Movin’ right along.

#10

A surfer cliff-jumping off Lighthouse Point in Santa Cruz? Why, sure.

"Empire Strikes Back" Trailer Was All Shades Of Awesome

I love the idea of supplementing the baritone plotline voiceover with cartoon imagery in this fashion.

Too damn cool.

Charlie Channels Charlie ...

Nothing better than a recitation of "Dayman" from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" from a classroom full of Japanese schoolkids ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: An Abbreviated Week’s-Ender

Pernsley’s intense

Capone has no sense

Van Alden is torn

Eddie’s reborn

Nuck’s gonna need a fence

Injuries to every other guy

Coaching decisions that didn’t fly

The Pack coming up for air

Very few teams out there

In more dire need of a bye

Can the ‘Fins find their stride

Or go on a patented slide?

Better find some blockers

Or they’ll be off their rockers

Are they frauds or bona-fide?

Last time …

Midseason Report: The Scooters Slowly Round Into Team No One Wants To Play

On the strength of a 4-2 record (which includes a painful nine-point loss) and status as the third-highest-scoring team in my 14-team league, I’m relatively pleased with where the Scooters stand halfway through our 12-game slate. Gaining some more consistency from guys like quarterback Cam Newton, receiver Vincent Jackson and tight end Kyle Rudolph—and all have showed positive recent signs—would give this squad a dramatic boost, and that’s the goal at the midway point.

What’s Worked:

The two running backs I identified before the draft as best-case options at pick #13 were LeSean McCoy and Matt Forte, so to be able to land both to jumpstart my draft was, in my mind, quite a coup. As the #2 and #7 RB scorers, respectively, in my league, both have largely lived up to their billing, though of course, I would love to see a few more touchdowns from both. Likewise, the #2 D/ST in my league, the Seahawks, have been as advertised, and again, with room to grow from a turnover and scoring standpoint as the season progresses.

Unearthing Julian Edelman in the 13^th round worked out quite well, as he was an  important producer early on, then gave me ammunition to make what I hope will develop into a vital trade.

What Hasn’t:

The buzz was all about the package of plays St. Louis had put together for burner Tavon Austin, who they traded up to land in the first round of the draft. Unfortunately, Austin has been a bust to date, averaging scarcely more per catch than Adrian Peterson does per run, with none of the explosiveness anticipated. Vikings tight end Kyle Rudolph was an afterthought on a team with few offensive weapons for some reason early on, and Jets running back Chris Ivory was beat out, then injured. Newton has been spotty, but not outright awful.

Best Move:

The best measure of this deal won’t come for a few weeks—and hinges largely on whether the Rams decide to involve Jared Cook more—but I feel good about trading Edelman and the Titans D/ST for Cook and Colts wideout T.Y. Hilton. I thought briefly about a later deal to land Aaron Rodgers, but balked on the idea of giving up McCoy or the Seahawks defense and quickly dropped the idea, which could turn out to be a wise decision.

In a move that contained elements of good fortune and heartache, I made an early-morning grab of Rams tailback Zac Stacy, who had just been named the starter, putting him directly into my lineup at the expense of Saints back Pierre Thomas—who would, of course, go on to score 34 points that week (in a nine-point loss, no less). A harsh turn of events at the time, but Stacy is looking more and more like a solid producer down the stretch.

Worst Move:

Outside of the Thomas/Stacy transaction above, I couldn’t make myself pull the trigger on picking up Denver tight end Julius Thomas just before the season began, electing to stand pat with Rudolph and Colts tight end Dwayne Allen. As the season got underway, Thomas emerged as a stud, Rudolph was relegated to appearing on milk cartons and Allen was lost for the year due to injury.

Also in the tight end category, I had Lions tight end Joseph Fauria on my roster for a week before dropping him to make room for the addition of Cook. Fauria then turned in a three-touchdown performance this past week, giving him five touchdowns on nine targets thus far this year. So one might be able to see why I am largely cursing the entire tight end position in general to date.

The Wildcard:

Percy Harvin—and it’s not close. Having taken a late-round flier on him as a keeper option, he is now getting closer to health, which could give my lineup the explosive distance scorer it could use to offset inconsistency throughout the wide receiving corps. If he can return to form, I will be positively stacked at the RB/WR positions.

Outlook:

The Scooters reside in a pretty cutthroat division, making it incumbent upon me to begin continue to make the correct roster management choices in terms of who should start on a weekly basis. If Newton can continue to show signs of life, Harvin can inject some energy into a promising group of wideouts, and either Rudolph or Cook can emerge as an every-week player, I do think that there’s plenty that can go awfully right for my snakebit franchise this year.

Heineken and ... Rasta?

Funny commercial, but I'm guessing Red Stripe isn't quaking in their boots here ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Tinkering With A Stacked Roster, Plus My Teams Endure A Fail Slam

After a strong trade

The Scooters well-played

A James Jones TD taken off the board

On my bench, Pierre Thomas soared

Then a patented Cam Newton choke fade

Could it really be the eve of hoops?

A time of practices and recruiting scoops?

A new lineup with new faces

Could put a team in State fans’ graces

As long as they don’t play like selfish poops

Connections to the past

Memories came emotional and fast

Against a backdrop of change

And occurrences strange

The Cody connection will always last

Chapel Hill even more blighted

As more agents get indicted

We may never know the cheating depth

Under Butch’s rug it was swept

The Carolina Way, underlined and highlighted

 

The ‘Fins fell at the very end

The Bears broke instead of bend

State couldn’t stop Campanero, Michael

Called hitting for the shit cycle

Even a hard-luck Scooters loss did offend

Last time …

"Prankvertising," Stephen King Style

As if coffee didn't get bowel movements moving fast enough on its own ...

What Happens When "Hard Knocks" Goes Pee Wee

LITTLE KNOCKERS from Jim O_Heir      

Good stuff ...

This Ad Brings The Dusty

A Thai commercial with one giant heart ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: The Government Turns Its Back (Again), Plus Carrie Cries For More “Homeland”

A Congress rotten

Voters forgotten

Punish those in need

Make the other party bleed

What Tea Party politics has begotten

As football moves on in bliss

Baseball postseason arrives with a hiss

A one-game playoff series?

I have so many queries

First being “Why bother with this?”

Fired in a parking lot

Karma, he finally caught

Lane Kiffin got shit-canned

Pat Haden could be next planned

USC deserves what they’ve got

Wee man’s first football game

The family was glad we came

The Pack in fine form, I’d say

A blowout on a beautiful day

His life will never be the same

 

How we’ve missed Carrie’s cry

And Saul being a complicated guy

“Homeland” is back now

Can it rebound, and if so, how?

And can Brody escape the CIA’s eye?

Last time …

King’s Wistful “Joyland” A Book That Feels Like Summer

“The year I discovered that there are worse things than losing the girl.”

“What’s a self-respecting amusement park without a ghost?”

Stephen King’s “Joyland” was an exquisite fit in the Hard Case Crime series. It took place along the coast of North Carolina (fictional Heaven’s Bay), a place near and dear to my heart. It took just over a week to read. It featured emotional, oft-beautiful prose about coming of age and first loves. It managed to interweave a compelling cold-case plot within it. But it still had one impossible-to-overcome problem, in my estimation:

It was too short.

Of course, that takeaway is a credit to how well-done this quick-hitting, engrossing read was by King.

After all, who wouldn’t be entranced by a story that feels like summer, a coming-of-age tale set in an amusement park on a beach and replete with heartache, mystery, love, creepiness, sexuality and amateur sleuthing? Who wouldn’t be reeled in by a plot twist involving a mysterious, beautiful, large-breasted, strange woman living at the beach?

“When you’re twenty-one, life is a roadmap. It’s only when you get to be twenty-five or so that you begin to suspect you’ve been looking at the map upside down, and not until you’re forty are you entirely sure. By the time you’re sixty, take it from me, you’re fucking lost.”

As with all books, there were a couple of minor issues. I felt that the sense of time and its passage wasn’t depicted all that well by King, and there were a couple of grammatical mistakes and omissions along the way. I felt the murder-mystery aspect of the work was introduced a bit late (200 pages in) for my liking, marking a dramatic shift in the tremendous “feel” of the book.

“All I can say is what you already know: some days are treasure. Not many, but I think in almost every life there are a few. That was one of mine, and when I’m blue ... I go back to it, if only to remind myself that life isn’t always a butcher’s game. Sometimes the prizes are real. Sometimes they’re precious.”

In terms of the various connections between characters, the relationship with Erin Cook was sort of glossed over, as though she was dating Dev’s best friend, shared feelings between Dev and Erin were introduced near the end, leaving no time for exploration. Also, how Dev really feels about Annie isn’t much touched on really—even when she holds his hand for the first time.

The ending featured a clever plot twist, some revelations about maturation, some sad farewells, a pretty ending—hell, even a Larry Csonka poster on a kid’s wall. And much like summer itself, it was difficult to say goodbye to “Joyland.”

“It’s hard to let go. Even when what you’re holding onto is full of thorns, it’s hard to let go. Maybe especially then.”

“No summer is endless.”

“The last good time always comes, and when you see the darkness creeping toward you, you hold on to what was bright and good. You hold on for dear life.”

I've Signed Off On This ...

Especially on a Monday, this is quite appealing ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Recharging The Batteries, Plus Nucky & The Crew Return In Full Force

Feet in the sand feels right

Harvest moon hangs in the night

A few days along the Outer Banks

So much for which to give thanks

Relax and breathe in every sight

The ACC has done it again

Precluding a potential Wolfpack win

The refs made up some rules

Ended up looking like fools

Incompetence is the league’s slogan

As a government shutdown loomed

Amidst bipartisan gloom

I thought about politics of hate

And how maybe it’s too late

Our political system may be doomed

A tough loss to start the season

Cam Newton playing without reason

But a coupla wins in a row

Has optimism starting to flow

But the fantasy gods need appeasin’

Chalky in biz with Nuck

Van Alden now timid as fuck

Harrow can’t avoid danger

Dr. Narcisse is a game-changer

“Boardwalk Empire” back with pluck

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Heart Never Healed

A week that’s been pretty tough

Memories have been kinda rough

Seared forever, I reckons

The beach certainly beckons

But never soon enough

A school shooting as many shots rang

Torture porn by a Persian gang

Prison rape and strangle in a potty

Adultery with a madam hottie

“Sons of Anarchy” back with an ugly bang

Office flooded, what the shizz

Water pours down on all that’s his

Politics ruined what was once loved

Shit comes down from above

Perfect symbol of this biz

It happens every season

And I just don’t know the reason

I pick all the right players

And have depth in layers

Then they score no points and keep teasin’

They say time heals

And memory steals

So a year seems long ago

I see you still, precious Mo

You’re everything that my heart feels

Last time …

Guinness Brings The Awesome

Not much to add here ...

Let’s Try This Again: The Scooters Aim To Master The Draft In 2013

You know the drill (just like last year). And away we go ...

1^st round, 13^th overall: LeSean McCoy, RB, Philadelphia Eagles

With four of the top five picks being quarterbacks, some skill dudes slid further than anticipated. Calvin Johnson went one pick ahead of me or else he would have been the guy, but my dream scenario of going McCoy-Forte with my first two picks was still intact with this selection. McCoy should be fearsome in the Chip Kelly offense this year.

2^nd round, 16^th overall: Matt Forte, RB, Chicago Bears

And just like that, the dream scenario fell into place. I’m a big believer in Forte’s prospects both running and catching this year in a more imaginative offense propelled by coach Marc Trestman. With the top-tier signal-callers off the board, Forte was a no-brainer for me at this point.

3^rd round, 41^st overall: Vincent Jackson, WR, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Confusion reigned for me here, as CBS’s online draft room began hiccupping. First, it wouldn’t allow me to grab Cam Newton, which was my pick here, and then it did show me as having drafted Newton. However, the clock reset and I grabbed Vincent Jackson (thinking this was actually my fourth-round selection), then found out it was actually my third-rounder. (continued below) Grabbing the best remaining wideout on my board allowed me to stay in line with my draft strategy of RB-RB-QB-WR.

4^th round, 44^th overall: Cam Newton, QB, Carolina Panthers

Whew. Anyway, the next owner grabbed Colin Kaepernick, so when the dust settled, I had both guys I wanted anyway. I dislike Newton overall, but he was far an away the best value at a need position (especially since Matthew Stafford went two picks before), and I sort of had no choice, with six signal-callers have been selected in the first 20 picks.

5^th round, 69^th overall: James Jones, WR, Green Bay Packers

An owner had Jones designated as a potential “keeper” (for the price of a sixth-rounder), but withdrew that status prior to the draft (for reasons not entirely clear). Anyway, here’s a guy who was a TD machine last year who should take on an even larger role for Aaron Rodgers, especially with some injury concerns for Jordy Nelson.

6^th round, 72^nd overall: Seahawks, D/ST, Seattle

I don’t believe I’ve ever spurred a defensive run by being first in drafting one, but this was a tricky spot for me. With 25 picks between here and my next choice, I knew the pickings would be slim, and even though Eric Decker was still here, I figured you can  never go wrong picking the top player at any position.

7^th round: 97^th overall: Tavon Austin, WR, St. Louis Rams

I’m a believer in this kid as a home-run threat, and I also feel the Rams have an entire package of plays for him that they’ve kept under wraps until the regular season. I had a shot at New Orleans wideout Lance Moore here, and that was a tough one to pass up. But our league really rewards distance scores, and the hope here is that Austin develops quickly as the top option in St. Louis—and that more of his impact comes from scrimmage rather than on special teams.

8^th round: 100^th overall: Chris Ivory, RB, New York Jets

My first “UGH” pick, and the fact that it came this late in the draft is a win. Ivory has been dinged-up all preseason and plays for a woeful offense, but should be far and away the main guy in New York when healthy (apologies to Bilal Powell) and is a strong goal-line option. Not what I had  in mind for my #3 running back, but I could have done worse. Ugh.

9^th round, 125^th overall: Kyle Rudolph, TE, Minnesota Vikings

I bypassed Antonio Gates in each of the last two rounds, making this one of my favorite picks right here. I had my eye on Chicago’s Martellus Bennett, but he went a few picks beforehand and I was very surprised that the consensus #5 tight end was still hanging around in this spot. Rudolph will suffer from having Christian Ponder throwing him the ball, but he’s a beast in the red zone and should develop some as a seam threat this year.

10^th round, 128^th overall: Pierre Thomas, RB, New Orleans Saints

He’s been an unsung hero for years in the Big Easy, and though the Saints RB situation is cloudy at best, I liked this grab at this point as my RB4. Now I was cleared to pinpoint the rest of the WR corps and fill depth.

11^th round, 153^rd overall: Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Pittsburgh Steelers

Having been jumped on Mike Vick a coupla rounds earlier, I rolled with “Big Ben” as a solid backup here. His weapons have changed faces over the last coupla years, but with huge uncertainty in the running game, he could be airing it out this year. I figured I could do much worse for a QB2.

12^th round, 156^th overall: Percy Harvin, WR, Minnesota Vikings

This one involves a quick explanation: in my league, if you take a player in the 12^th round or later, you can then keep him for the price of a sixth-rounder the following season provided he stays on your roster all season long (and you still want him). Harvin was a no-brainer for me, being that he could return earlier than most expected, plus he could give me some intriguing options going into the 2014 draft.

13^th round, 181^st overall: Julian Edelman, WR, New England Patriots

Basically, I wanted a Patriots wideout, because I don’t think anything is set in stone in terms of Brady’s favorite targets and the general WR rotation this year in New England. Edelman was come through in the clutch for Brady in the past, and I believe the opportunity is there for him to emerge as a viable, reliable threat as this year progresses. Hell, he even looks like the illegitimate child of Wes Welker and Danny Woodhead.

14^th round, 184^th overall: Markus Wheaton, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers

I rolled with another rookie wideout here, with Wheaton garnering rave reviews throughout the preseason. In the 14^th round, he was well worth a gamble as a dude who could potentially replicate the deep-threat ability of the now-departed Mike Wallace. As my sixth and final receiver, I like the upside he offers—with little risk.

15^th round, 209^th overall: Dwayne Allen, TE, Indianapolis Colts

I was a little surprised Allen was still around, despite the mitigating factors of his injury status and the presence of Andrew Luck favorite Coby Fleener. Allen is more of a seam threat than Fleener, and at times Luck looked Allen’s way every other pass a season ago. In the 15^th round and as a backup tight end, I have zero complaints.

16^th round, 212^th overall: David Akers, K, Detroit Lions

He’s been less than stellar of late, but here’s to thinking he turns it around indoors and the Lions put up beaucoup points in 2013. And if not on either count, he’s a kicker. They abound.

17^th round, 237^th overall: Titans, D/ST, Tennessee

They were here, they had a different bye week than the Seahawks and they are an underrated unit in an offense-challenged division.

18^th round, 240^th overall: Caleb Sturgis, K, Miami Dolphins

I wanted a Dolphin and I expect Miami to stall out quite a bit in the red zone (as per usual). And with a 58-yarder already under his belt in the preseason, Sturgis could get some distance looks if Akers falters.

SUMMARY

CBS now generates a recap minutes after your draft concludes, and our league’s read like this: “When the dust settled from the draft, The Scooters were left on top. Their starters project out to score more points than any other team this year. Coach Scott Vogelsberg made some savvy pickups in Kyle Rudolph, Tavon Austin and LeSean McCoy. Rudolph was rated as the 3^rd-best pickup in the draft.” CBS was also kind enough to deem me “Master Drafter,” then went on to potshot the other owners in the league.

Anyway, from the 13^th spot in a 14-team league, I couldn’t have been much happier with how I netted out. My running back depth isn’t great and I will likely need another wideout to emerge, but the good news is I stocked those positions with low-risk, high-reward types late in the draft. But honestly, my problem has never been drafting; it has been getting players to play up to their profiles, staying healthy and roster management.

But since this is purely a draft assessment, I’m tickled pink green with how I allocated my roster this year. Giddyup ... now the fun (?) starts.

“Trouble With the Curve” Carves Out A Role As Anti-“Moneyball”

I used to love baseball. I really did. I used to lay awake at night listening to Mets games (*fill in your own joke here*) on WFAN, following guys like Hojo and David Cone and Strawberry and Gregg Jeffries Mackey Sasser and Kevin McReynolds and Mookie Wilson.

Under that premise as a one-time fan (jaded by years of steroid abuse, player strikes and juiced balls), I was pitched on “Trouble With the Curve.” The presence of a rambling Clint Eastwood was offset by the presence of an adorable Amy Adams, so with a sigh and a beer, I settled in.

Immediately—well, after a highly disturbing opening involving Eastwood having a conversation with his penis that reminded of his speech to an empty chair at the RNC—this flick was billed as an anti-“Moneyball” vehicle. Eastwood is depicted as the stereotypical Luddite, past-his-prime scout, fending off a New Age of analytics, metrics and evaluation by computer.

John Goodman was (as always) a tremendous add, but the rest of the cast was interesting, though mixing in Justin Timberlake was a poor choice (as always). Set in Asheville, N.C., the film relied on a cliché, though arguably accurate, version of North Carolina.

“Trouble With the Curve” was certainly a bit cliché and trite, but it also had a heart, neatly tied up in a cute bow with a predictable ending. Not exactly thought-provoking or groundbreaking territory, but a guilty pleasure on a late-summer evening with memories of what the former national pastime once meant to so many ... one could do worse.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: McCain Chases A Flush As Syrian Lives Debated, Plus Poised For “Boardwalk Empire” Return

On his fellow Congressmen did drone

While McCain f’d around on his phone

Playing poker, trying to stay awake

While Syrian lives are at stake

High time for a quiet nursing home

Pushed through an empty time of year

Of boring sports to steer clear

The NBA has floppers and repeats

Baseball, a snooze of cheats

Finally, NFL football is here

Nicholson announced retirement today

Think he’s earned enough in play

Was he phoning it in recently

Though he certainly acts decently

Doesn’t he just play himself anyway?

To avoid a fantasy disaster

Must draft smarter and faster

For McCoy and Forte, I be rootin’

Hated to pick Cam Newton

CBS called me “Draft Master”

Can Nucky possibly lay low?

How will sacrificing love affect Harrow?

Of Margaret, what will become?

An A.C. with Capone should be fun

“Boardwalk Empire” is back, dontcha know

Last time …