When TPS Reports Come In Handy ...

Kind of a beautiful little story here. Good on ya, Disney.

Relentless Pursuit Of The White Tulip In Hopes of Avoiding A Life in the Amber: A Farewell To The Epic “Fringe”

 “The time we had together, we stole. I cheated fate to be with you.” ~Walter to Peter

“You were my favorite thing, Peter. My very favorite thing.” ~Walter to Peter

“It’s not about fate, Walter, yours or mine. It’s about changing fate.” ~Donald/September

They say nature abhors a paradox—and so does television. That’s why the story of “Fringe”—the little paradox that could—is simply a phenomenal tale.

Developed by “Lost” and “Alias” creator (and now “Star Wars” heir apparent) J.J. Abrams, “Fringe” was created in the shadow of “Lost,” yet it eventually and unexpectedly cast its own amazing light. And despite the fact that it didn’t fit any of the accepted and preconceived parameters of what a primetime TV show should be about, the fact that it lasted five tremendous seasons is testimony to a stellar cast and a development crew that was dedicated to pushing the boundaries.

“Does it ever feel like every time we get close to getting the answers somebody changes the question?” ~Peter

“People die. It happens. Sometimes they even die twice.” ~Walter

The team at “Fringe” never expected a fifth season, so when they were accorded one, they elected to treat it as a love letter to the fans who had stuck with them since the beginning. That allowed a rarity in television—a show receiving bonus episodes to go out on its own terms, and “Fringe” answered the bell, peppering the final 13-episode season with déjà vu of old cases, buttoned-up storylines and other stuff.

The two-hour series finale was mesmerizing and emotional. The writers added so many perfect little touches, none better than the Walter-Astrid exchange:

Walter: “It’s a beautiful name.”

Astrid: “What is?”

Walter: “Astrid.”

The show created so many iconic images: the laboratory, the white tulip, the bullet necklace, hell, even Violet Sedan Chair. It harkened up memories of epic shows ranging from “Star Wars” (the Observers’ leader, Windmark, was a dead-ringer for Emperor Palpatine) to “X-Files” (with some natural Scully-Mulder connections between Olivia and Peter, as Walter referenced by saying, “I don’t think there’s anything sadder than when two people are meant to be together and something intervenes.”).

And sure, it became obscure and difficult to follow at some points, what with Peter becoming “weaponized,” jumping between universes and parallel doppelgangers. But the overriding story arc was always omnipresent: the evolution of Walter from a cold, clinical scientist to a warm, open healer. Actor John Noble’s ability to transform Walter from institutionalized abuser of technology to father figure to his team carried the entire series.

“I suppose I’ve learned that crazy is a lot more complicated than people think.” ~Walter

By the end, “Fringe” had become so much more than the “lab show” so many have envisioned it being. At its core, it was a show about the true meaning of sacrifice—and second chances. It was a show about defining love—and learning to say goodbye to it. It was a show about embracing mental illness—and learning what it means to be a father. It was a show about forgiveness—but also worthiness.

The absence of truly original programming on network television will make the loss of “Fringe” even more difficult to overcome for faithful viewers. But such a void is a small price to pay for the privilege of having been invited into the “Fringe” universe.

Either one of them.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Hero Worship Takes Another Hit, Plus The Underachievers Take On The Overcheaters

More than a liar, that Lance

A bully and a douche, at a glance

A yellow bracelet on the shelf

Can’t wear it and be a better self

Learn to look at our “heroes” askance

One thing you have to say for the ultra-rich

Without conscience, they love to bitch

Phil Mickelson the latest of jackasses

To complain about paying taxes

Shut up and worry about your career in a ditch

Corruption is standard in the Big Easy

But that bitch Nagin was particularly sleazy

The ex-mayor indicted

New Orleans is slighted

Politics in Louisiana makes you queasy

From their lofty hypocritical perch

They sold fake division-champs merch

The fraud has gone underground

But you’d better believe it’s still around

UNC praying the NCAA stops its search

Gutlessness cost them the other night

Selfishness and a lack of fight

Matador defense on display

Turnovers and foul trouble all day

Can the hard things be done to put it right?

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: A Fraud Tarnishes The Golden Dome, Plus “Fringe” Says Its Final Goodbye

Manti Te’o, what the hell

A fraud or an idiot, can’t tell

Lazy journalism on display

And hero worship, I’d say

Character counts, even in the NFL

Te’o said Bill Brasky was a third-round steal

Roomed with Kaiser Soze, tried to cop a feel

Said high school coach named Rute Knockne

Said Anthony Munoz couldn’t block me

Degree from Hogwarts: “a pretty good deal”

State might not be a fluke

Throttled the Devils of puke

Jefferson fouled out

Then proceeded to pout

Even the refs couldn’t save poor Dook

But then the Pack went to College Park

And stumbled around in the dark

Played in brutal fits and starts

Blew an ugly win with brain farts

Focus and sharing were way off the mark

Playing chicken with fiscal cliff tiff

Stalling the assault weapon riff

Partisanship overriding what’s best

Divisiveness won’t take a rest

Maybe Congress should be next off the cliff

Of nostalgia, already a twinge

The intensity is sure to singe

A two-hour series finale awaits

The team will learn their fates

Oh, please don’t leave me “Fringe”

Last time …

This Is Not The Meth You're Looking For ...

Losing the (Star) War on Drugs ...

Going Ghetto In Glasgow

Half-Pence > 50 Cent

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Can The Wolfpack Take The Next Step, Plus “Fringe” Enters The Home Stretch

A measuring-stick game for the Pack

The Dookies coming for an afternoon snack

Coach K brings hand-checking “D” stops

A barrage of threes and a bevy of flops

Can State finish when it’s time to attack

Tide rolled by a whopping score

Stop me if you’ve heard this before

A juggernaut he’s built

Unchecked by decency or guilt

Great coach, plus egotistical whore

Getting back into the work flow

The going has been pretty slow

A lax start to 2013 for the team

At the top, will there ever be any cream?

Can it be salvaged, I just don’t know

A new logo awaits the ‘Fins

And I await on needles and pins

If it’s like the last 15 years

It’ll come with WTFs and tears

Shake your head and pray for 8 wins

 

The return of “Fringe” on the fly

To kick off a three-episode goodbye

Can the Observers be stopped

Before Olivia and the Bishops are popped?

Cue the heart-pounding intensity, no lie

Last time …

“The Wind Through the Keyhole” Offers Seductive Déjà Vu of King’s Mid-World

“There’s nothing like stories on a windy night when folks have found a warm place in a cold world.”

“We are ka-tet. We are one from many. Be grateful for warmth, shelter, and companionship against the storm. Others may not be so lucky.”

“ ... the sound of the wind has always made me think of good times and far places.”

If you’re a Stephen King of any degree or ilk, you likely grew an Oy-sized tail at the news that King was rolling out another “Dark Tower” book. And while “The Wind Through the Keyhole” was a novella-length Dark Tower 4.5 that went by way too fast, it still opened up a lot of possibilities as to how King could bundle similar side-adventure-style stories within the epic series.

While “The Wind Through the Keyhole” managed well on its own merits, functioning on the story-within-a-story-within-a-story approach, it resonated most as an emotional reunion with old friends to faithful Dark Tower readers.

Some quick observations:

• Is the Covenant Man Randall Flagg (“‘Do you know his name?’“‘Nay, nor need to, for I know what he is—pestilence with a heartbeat.’”)?
• “Unspeakable Merriment” would be a great band name.
• Even as a notoriously slow/contemplative reader, I burned through this one in a little over a week.
• “‘What’s America?’ “‘A kingdom filled with toy-loving idiots.’”
• Mid-World is comprised of two sometimes-overlapping universes—much like “Fringe” in that respect.
• I assumed that spotting his father dead in the water was going to turn out to be just another mirage.
• “‘Look not long at what’s offered, for every precious thing has wings and may fly away.’”
• The theme of forgiveness resonating at the end could have led some to view “The Wind Through the Keyhole” as a bit of a morality tale, but I could argue that much of the series could be read that way.
• “It was not fair, it was not fair, it was not fair. So cried his child’s heart, and then his child’s heart died a little. For that is also the way of the world.”
• I don’t recall so many elements of Spanish being part of the low speech.
• Couldn’t help but think of Yann Martel’s “Life of Pi” when the issue of befriending a tiger arose.
• That wasn’t exactly what I thought Everlynne intended to “give” to Roland.
• I tried hard not to laugh when the ka-tet was holed up in Gook village. I’m not sure I succeeded.

Even after some 4,000 pages of the Dark Tower series, even this small morsel had me yearning for more. Will King yield to the masses and rattle off a handful of similar side tales to appease Faithful Reader? Time will tell, and as in King’s own words, “Time was a face on the water, and like the great river before them, it did nothing but flow.”

“At some point he slipped down their covering enough to see a trillion stars sprawled across the dome of the sky, more than he had ever seen in his life. It was as if the storm had blown tiny holes in the world about the world, and turned it into a sieve.”

“Time is a keyhole, he thought as he looked up at the stars. Yes, I think so. We sometimes bend and peer through it. And the wind we feel on our cheeks when we do—the wind that blows through the keyhole—is the breath of all the living universe.”

“In the end, the wind takes everything, doesn’t it? And why not? Why other? If the sweetness of our lives did not depart, there would be no sweetness at all.”

Car-kour

Geniuses or death-wishers? (For the record, I would have been injured just diving into the car like the dude did near the beginning.) You be the judge, but fun to watch either way ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: The Circle Of Life

Welcomed a remarkable little guy

Then a loss with no time for goodbye

A year full of sadness and joy

My heart with my Mom and little boy

As thoughts of both in a 2013 sky

Last time …

The Circle Of Life, 2012-Style

A lot of good, a lot of bad. That's not 2012. That's life.

Onward and upward ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: Newtown Redefines “Unspeakable,” Plus Frank Costanza Had It Right All Along

Horror played out at Sandy Hook

Tears made it hard to even look

One more coward with an assault rifle

Saw precious life as but a trifle

If there’s a hell, he’d better cook

To an older generation, a link

Even though he didn’t always think

Larry Merchant is stepping away

He was there during boxing’s heyday

Finest hour was clowning Mayweather with a wink

We bicker and argue and fight

And ignore others’ plight

Sure, it’s the holiday season

Credit card bills soar for no reason

And hope the Mayans weren’t right

Pete Carroll a douche to the core

Faking a punt up 30, you dirty whore?

Russell Wilson has made a career

Of making coaches better than they appear

Pete the Fraud will get his until he’s buttsore

Festivus Day is nigh

A holiday defined by a sigh

Grievances loudly aired

Feats performed with muscles bared

That metal pole, it stretches so high ...

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 62

#1

Just in case you need an example of personalized marketing done right, I offer up Wimpy’s Braille burgers for your consideration.

#2

A Mitt Romney visit to McDonald’s would play out just as you imagined a Mitt Romney visit to McDonald’s would play out.

#3

I’m not a big fan of the NFL’s “crackdown” on dangerous plays. However, if the league is serious about curbing such hits, they need to adopt an NBA-type rule that decrees that if you accrue a certain number of personal fouls, you begin earning suspensions. The fines simply aren’t a viable deterrent.

#4

Hey look, a handy guide to every grocery store of all times and ever! Well, except for the creepy dude that hangs out by the wine cooler section, waiting for fat girls in pajama pants to roll by.

#5

This Corona Extra commercial will always make me think of Christmas:

#6

If you’re like me, you find social media “gurus” largely annoying as shite. This video nails these clowns in a nutshell as it discusses the new social media: robots talking to robots who can’t buy any products.

#7

Incredible footage of the largest recorded “calving” event in history, involving a glacier the size of a mountain. Just imagine how big it would be if global warming was a real thing!

#8

Because there’s a plot to destroy America’s beer. Where is Jack Bauer when you really need him?

#9

To all the NFL automaton media types, the term “50-burger” to describe the feat of reaching 50 points in a single game is reserved solely for the largest of tools. Use accordingly.

#10

On the off chance that recent events haven’t reminded you to try to live each day as fully as possible, this 17-year-old with cancer and months to live just might. He is saying goodbye through song and a pledge to make the most of what he has left.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Only Jack Bauer Can Save Carrie, Plus “Fringe” Is Ramping Up To Epic Finale

A first season marked by an intense pace

But now it’s turned into a “24” freebase

“Homeland” has gone off the rails

A second year full of believability fails

I now watch with my Claire Danes Crying Face

A liar, a douche and a cheat

A philanderer, too? Pretty neat!

Petrino hired by Western Kentuck

Character? They didn’t give a f%&k

Say “My bad,” then rinse and repeat

A season of holiday cheer

Offset by missing those held dear

The lights twinkle though thoughts turn bleak

A smile even as a tear streaks your cheek

Blessed, pained, life in the course of a year

I saw Tannehill’s accuracy and laughed

Couldn’t hit the ocean from a raft

Another lost year, you don’t say

Sad days for the Dolphins, but hey ...

I heard we’ll get a good pick in the draft

A weekly hour-long adrenalin binge

With melancholy, perhaps a little tinge

Not ready for the end of Walter’s story

Or to say bye to Olivia in all her glory

Yet these are the final days of “Fringe”

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: “Boardwalk Empire” Pays Off Season 3 With Epic Gang War, Plus The Pack Moves Fast To Get Its Man

Nuck pushed right buttons like before

Bested Masseria and Rothstein in war

Rosetti, a too-merciful death

Harrow went Rambo on meth

Holy crap, what’s in store for season four?!

On all cylinders State wasn’t hitting

So the Jimmy V Classic was fitting

Tears when the V speech came on

Then a solid win over UConn

On a promising team Gottfried is sitting

Big bucks for David Wright

Face of the franchise, day and night

Not to be all that picky

But next up is R.A. Dickey

C’mon Metsies, just do what’s right

Michonne pierced Penny on the sly

Then dug out the Governor’s eye

New visitors to Carl’s Green Mile

Daryl and Merle together on trial

A midseason finale where the blood did fly

A listless program, snorin’

A reputation borderin’ on borin’

Status quo, not good enough

Needed a coach with the right stuff

Welcome to State, Dave Doeren

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXII: Ballin’ With Adderall, Plus The O’Brien Era Comes To A Mixed-Feelings End

Adderall a player in the NFL show

Richard Sherman the latest to go

Wide receivers couldn’t beat

Perhaps it’s because he’s a cheat

Goodell’s asking, “You mad, bro?”

Romney, he just wanted to punch

Instead Obama invited him to lunch

They tried to put politics aside

Shared coffee (caffeine on the side)

How many flip-flop jokes? A bunch

Fantasy football, I have some kinda jinx

The losses piled up, which stinks

Then dudes started to show

And I won three in a row

The season ended too early, methinks

A bittersweet end to the third season

Only five more episodes, are you teasin’?

Davis McAlary, what’s next for you?

LaDonna, just what will you do?

“Treme,” how I love you beyond reason

One too many WTF games

Sent the O’Brien era up in flames

Preached community and owned UNC-Cheat

Graduated players and tried to compete

But mediocrity means the coach gets the blames

Last time …

Demonic Possession Meets Abduction Theory in Ultimately Fraudulent “The Fourth Kind”

In a unique presentation, “The Fourth Kind” starts out with a documentary-style opening, with actress Milla Jovovich introducing herself and addressing the audience directly. She shares that the film is a “dramatization” that centers on the story of Dr. Abigail Emily “Abby” Tyler (the hauntingly beautiful Jovovich plays the worn, beat-down Abby in a stark contrast), a psychologist who experiences “extremely disturbing events” in the course of her work in Nome, Alaska. The idea behind the movie was to mirror actual footage with dramatic re-enactments in some areas to heighten the realism needed to lend credence to the story.

Abby and her husband and fellow psychologist, Will, were partnering to research the coincidences and similarities shared by some 300 people in Nome, who were experiencing sleep deprivation caused by the appearance of a white owl waking them up at 3 in the morning, just like staring at them and hovering over them sometimes. [SPOILER ALERT: Hey, what if the owl is actually dozens of shadowy aliens doing abductions and then erasing the memories? J/k, wtf, lol, AYFKM]

One night, Will’s post-coital naptime is interrupted by the small matter of being stabbed and murdered by an intruder. And despite her being right next to her husband, Abby is unable to recollect the man’s face, even under hypnosis.

Speaking of hypnosis, the eerie factor kicks into overdrive when two of Abby’s patients endure full-body freakouts when placed in a hypnotic state, to the point of sustaining severe bodily injury and nausea. When one of Abby’s patients, Tommy, takes his family hostage, begins spouting a strange language and then murders all of them before offing them himself, the local sheriff (played by the underrated Will Patton) says, “Hey, maybe it’s time I have a spot of tea with this creep-show doctor whose husband just died under, shall we say, unusual circumstances.”

The tea party ends amiably enough, with the sheriff saying, “Hey, you know, the next time it looks like someone is going to start channeling defunct languages and pot-shotting his family, give me a bell, eh?” But the sheriff gets super-pissed (“You’re not gonna use the people of Nome for a goddam rat study”) when another hypnotic session that begins with some relatively harmless levitation and demonic possession ends with a few crushed vertebrae and a paralyzed patient—all while Abby supervised.

Late on evening, as Abby tries to piece together the day’s events, she falls asleep while dictating some notes about how dangerous the research is getting and how caution is the key. The next day, her psychologist colleague, Abel Campos (played by Elias Koteas) is waiting for her at her office, having flown up from Anchorage to check on her, you know, platonically and all. Well, her secretary found some rather disturbing audio on the tape, complete with distortion and sounds of a struggle and an undeterminable language. That’s when Abby suspects she has been abducted as well, and a suspicious scratch on her arm and nail marks found on her floor backed up this theory.

Along the way, the sheriff pays Abby another visit, and he’s on the verge of locking her up when Campos intervenes, asking for more time to determine what is actually happening here. A cop is posted outside of the Tyler house, and in the wee hours, the police car video seems to indicate that a flying saucer had a stopover, and when Abby’s daughter Ashley (who, by the way, has gone blind after her father’s murder) is missing, Abby tells the livid sheriff that a “beam of light” stole her daughter. Both the sheriff and Abby’s son, Ronnie, are, well, unconvinced, and Ronnie is happy to enter protective police custody, as even he is creeped the fuck out by his mom at this point.

Reaching the point of no return, Abby find the number to a mysterious doctor in one of Will’s books, and she rings him up. It turns out that he is Dr. Odusami, a language specialist who eventually identifies the language on the recordings as Sumerian. He then launches into a quick Rosetta Stone seminar on how the Sumerians date back to 4^th century B.C.E. and talked a lot about spaceships and suits and oxygen masks and other freak-ass stuff.

What to do now? Well, hell, let’s throw Abby under hypnosis as Campos supervises and Odusami films. That can’t go wrong, right? Well, if by wrong you mean that Abby is attacked by an unidentified Sumerian quasi-god and reduced to the subject of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” and that they then all are abducted by once, then, yes. Things can go wrong.

Abby awakes in the hospital, apparently paralyzed now. The sheriff is there, and he welcomes her to the conscious state by showing her pictures that indicate that Will committed suicide. Right next to her. With a gun. Which, in some people’s view, may severely call into question Abby’s credibility. When Campos refuses to back up her assertions of the abduction, Abby is visibly crushed, and she is unable to offer any insights into where Ashley is when the sheriff presses her.

The flick ends with a continuation of Abby’s interview at Chapman University, where she is now reduced to a wheelchair. She reiterates her theory that millions of people are abducted, but that the aliens are able to erase their memories so that they are completely unaware of these abductions. Then the credits roll, with numerous 911 calls to report UFOs serving as the soundtrack to the fade to black, plus text that says that Ashley has never been found and no one besides Abby was willing to participate in the film’s making.

Curiously, at least to me, the DVD contained no “bonus” area with newspaper articles or background of the story, just a few lame extended scenes. But hell, we’d just experienced a thoroughly gripping, jarring, frightening movie, one that leaves you with a tinge of “what if” and a minor case of the willies. Not bad for a sci-fi flick, right?

Well, only if you’re willing to also suspend disbelief over some minor problems. Such as the fact that all assertions that this flick is based on real evidence or case studies is, well, not real. Such as the fact that even the nominal originator of these studies, Dr. Tyler, is played by an actress, Charlotte Milchard (to her credit, Milchard achieves maximum creepiness, making her a tremendous fit for the role). Such as the fact that it was filmed in Bulgaria and Canada, robbing realism from even the beautiful scenery of Alaska. Such as all of the questions and confusion dissipates quickly when the entire movie falls apart under even the slightest, most cursory examination.

So at the end of the day, writer and director Olatunde Osunsanmi has created a mockumentary, complete with fabricated newspaper archives (which led to the film being sued successfully by the Alaska Press Club). His film continuously took the lazy way out, asking the viewer to believe what they want, but then leaving out key facts needed to make such a determination. Pretending to have one foot in the documentary world and another in the feature-film world is problematic even if that was honest; the documentary aspect demands further explanation, more concrete evidence, but the feature film aspect makes that unnecessary and extraneous.

So was there any basis at all for the premise of this film? Well, yes … sort of. The FBI did investigate a string of disappearances in Nome, but they eventually chalked it up to a combination of “alcohol and frigid temperatures,” according to CNN (*insert conspiracy theories here*). Hell, at least the sublime “Blair Witch Project” had a sound backstory to fall back on; even the realm of hoaxes has a level of self-respect that “The Fourth Kind” is missing.

Disappointingly, Osunsanmi seemed to ignore the fact that the Internet era does not allow for the hiding of the truth for very long, and he elected not to try very hard to drum up a backstory in the DVD or elsewhere. There are some intriguing stats shared in the context of the film, such as 11 million UFOs have been reported since the 1930s, and many fall in the camp represented by the famous “X-Files” poster that declares, “I Want to Believe.”

Unfortunately, “The Fourth Kind” left the audience not only still wanting—but feeling lied to and even more skeptical.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: When Fantasy Football Makes Zero Sense, Plus No-Luck Nuck On “Boardwalk Empire”

 Megatron finally scored

Jackson played like he wasn’t bored

The Cowboys D was a force

Steve Smith disappeared, of course

I finally fucking won!? I’m floored

Can’t tackle worth a bean

Turnovers border on obscene

Mistakes, penalties abound

No playmakers to be found

As the Dolphins return to the mean

For the baby, Daryl steps up alone

Though he misses Carol with an inner moan

Rick’s gone off the reservation

Michonne chose self-preservation

Who the fuck’s on the phone?

R.A. Dickey, as good as it gets

The lone bright spot for the Mets

A Cy Young Award well-earned

His life offers lessons learned

Doubt him? Call off all bets

 

Nucky’s empire crumbling

Billie’s dead and his decision bumbling

Margaret wants to run off with Sleater

Rosetti to be killed sooner than later

Will Nucky find it all crushing or humbling?

Last time …