Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Dolphin Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves, Plus Melancholidays

 Ineptitude beyond explanation or reason

Another year, another lost season

A franchise which was once so proud

Now just sucks out loud

And no end in sight to be teasin’

A letdown season for Doeren

Pack fans & recruits are snorin’

A home loss to UNC

A disappointment in Year 3

Improvement a concept foreign

Gronk took a shot on the knee

Ingram and Blount made three

Amari Cooper in witness protection

Robbie Gould got a yips infection

The Scooters all abandoned me

Not sure where to put the blame

After a disastrous fantasy playoff game

The injuries I was fearing

Nuke Hopkins disappearing

A great team and season up in flames

 

When the lights are all aglow

And thoughts turn to nog and snow

When the ornaments are all hung

And the carols beautifully song

I’ll forever think of Mo

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: “The Leftovers” Has Restored Some Hope In TV, Plus Cautious Optimism For The Scooters

It came back from the dead

Better than ever, I said

“The Leftovers” got a second chance

To treat the mortality expanse

Beautiful TV, it’s fed

After some Dan Campbell buzz

Blown out like they always does

The soundtrack of Sunday dreads

Has to be the Talking Heads

Because it’s all the “Same As It Ever Was”

As religious thinking is flawed

Terrorism strikes abroad

If the world can agree on this

And get down to business

Finally we all can applaud

One of the best gunners ever

But passed the ball almost never

He’s basketball’s Tiger Woods

A douche with the talent goods

But Kobe’s more image-conscious and clever

The Scooters gave ‘em hell

The highest scorers, can’t you tell?

Finished at 9-3

A playoff bye for me

Now can Gronk get at least partially well?

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: The ‘Fins Are Who We Thought They Were, Plus The Mets Kick Away A Title

When it looked like a franchise awake

The Cheatriots exposed them as a fake

Decimated a feeble attack

With turnovers and sack after sack

Hard to overcome the loss of Cam Wake

Another bipolar misogynist

Greg Hardy to the top of the list

Unstable to be kind

But Jerry Jones knows his mind

If Dallas had a real fan, they’d be pissed

Pass-outs are causing a bicker

And State got a participation sticker

Only took seven weeks, you see

To throw to the best tight end in the ACC

Should someone tell them now they need a new kicker?

Every week another blown call

The NFL, in college, and all

We’re talking about refs shitting the bed

And not of great games instead

Have to be able to challenge flags in football

A blown opportunity gone by

As the Mets blew a World Series try

Late-inning leads blown three times

Cespedes and Murphy had MIA crimes

Great season after you’ve had a good cry

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: The Amazin’s Race Into The Fall Classic, Plus The Fins May Have Found An Identity At Long Last

Answered all kinds of queries

Continued Cubbie curse theories

But at the end of the day

You just have to say

The Metsies are back in the Series

Inherited a lot of money

Thinks racism is kinda funny

Bankruptcy his way of life

Ignorance wielded like a knife

Can only say “Shut the fuck up, Donny”

With his own personal style

Been hitting the ball a mile

With every bat flip whirled

It’s Daniel Murphy’s world

Best performance I’ve seen in a while

Recruiting trips with refills

Rang up huge bar bills

Call plays while he was drunk

His own program he sunk

Steve Sarkisian, go fix your ills

Got physical for a change

Which looked kinda strange

The Dolphins setting the tone

The Titans they did own

Can they stay in this physical range?

Last time …

Halfway Home: Promising Scooters Squad Paces The League In Points

After adopting a bit of a shift in strategy during this year’s draft, I came away highly optimistic about my haul. Halfway through the season, that positive outlook has proven to be well-founded.

The Scooters sit at 4-2 at the midway point, and even though the squad should be 5-1, it’s hard to argue too much with that record. Perhaps more importantly, we are the leading point-scorer in my league by a healthy margin, which bodes well the rest of the way. Considering I’m stuck in easily the best division in my league, we are in about as good a position as possible for the stretch run (famous last words).

Here’s how each position group on The Scooters has fared to date …

QUARTERBACKS

Aaron Rodgers has been steady, though the customary colossal games have been few and far between. With Jordy Nelson out for the year, the long-distance strikes just haven’t been there, replaced by more of a controlled, short passing game. However, you have to think those explosive games are still out there to be had as the best quarterback in the game progresses with a young receiving corps. And let’s face it: he stills ranks fourth in our league in points among QBs.

In the move of the season to date, I parlayed surprising Tyrod Taylor into a deal for DeAndre Hopkins, who has been a scoring machine at receiver. I’ve replaced Taylor with first Ryan Mallett and now Brian Hoyer, in hopes of pairing Hopkins with his signal-caller during Rodgers’s upcoming bye week.

RUNNING BACKS

Mark Ingram has been about what I anticipated before the year (No. 8 in RB scoring in my league), Legarrette Blount has been somewhat less than I had hoped (but seems to be finding his role, as evidenced by his No. 10 ranking in RB points), and Chris Ivory (No. 7 in RB points) has been even more than I had predicted. I’ve leaned extensively on Ivory and Ingram to carry the load, but my fourth RB, Ryan Mathews, produced big-time in a spot start and seems to need more touches in Philly, while Blount could be more than a flex as the season progresses. At the end of the day, having three backs in the top 10 in RB points considering my draft approach has to be considered a win.

WIDE RECEIVERS

My wideouts early on were solid, with room to grow, in youngsters Amari Cooper and Jarvis Landry. As I anticipated, Cooper has quickly established himself as a bonafide go-to receiver, developing a strong rapport with Derek Carr and putting up impressive numbers (No. 17 in WR points) that should result in more touchdowns as the season goes on. Landry has in some ways been a victim of a pathetic Dolphins team and a regressing Ryan Tannehill, but he is still getting tons of touches. The coaching change in Miami should pay big dividends and open some space for Landry (No. 19 in points among wideouts) to operate.

However, the direction of this unit got a massive boost when I traded for “Nuke” Hopkins, who is working hard to join the conversation of best WR in the league, backed up by his presence as the top scoring receiver in my league. With Leonard Hankerson surprising in Atlanta (No. 42 in WR points) and Eddie Royal getting healthy in Chicago, this has suddenly become a deep unit. Harry Douglas is getting lots of touches but no production in Tennessee, so I have a spot to play with at the back end of the receiver roster.

All of a sudden, I am facing tough flex decisions with guys like Blount, Mathews, Landry, Hankerson, and Royal—obviously, a good problem to have.

TIGHT ENDS

Thus far, Gronkowski’s been Gronkowski. He seems to go silent during the course of games for longer than usual, but then usually erupts for a big play that salvages the entire performance. My backup, Larry Donnell, has been solid (No. 14 in TE points), though prone to key red-zone drops that have hurt his numbers. I’ve gotten a trade offer (underwhelming doesn’t begin to describe it) for him along the way, but he’s a good guy to have in his current role.

KICKERS

Adam Vinatieri has been a woeful disappointment (No. 27 in points among kickers), largely as a function of the Colts’ sputtering offense. However, cutting Andrew Franks to pick up field goal machine Robbie Gould of the Bears was a shrewd move. I expect Vinatieri to become a more viable option as Indy (theoretically) figures things out, but the ageless Gould (No. 4 in K points) will be challenging for the starting nod each and every week.

DEFENSES/SPECIAL TEAMS

This has been the perpetual weak spot for the Scooters this year. A byproduct of Miami’s implosion was the disappearance of a Dolphins “D” that was widely expected to be borderline dominant in 2015. The unit has shown signs of being that (No. 17 in D/ST points), but the early part of the schedule—where they should have wreaked havoc—is now over, and Miami has the hardest part of its schedule looming. I have resorted to playing my second defense, Cincinnati, on several occasions, and they have been a bit too up and down for my liking (No. 23 in points among defenses/special teams). This will be an area where I continue to search out an upgrade, whether through trade or playing the weekly matchup game on the waiver wire.



I don't really have any sort of grandiose closing statement about the second half of the season; I've been burned way too many times by the fantasy gods. We're just gonna take it one game at a time, live to fight another day, work hard for our teammates, stick to the process, and see where the dust settles.

Stay tuned ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: The Amazin’s Earn A Date With The Lovable Losers, Plus Farewell to OBC

Outlasted LA, oh the stress

Now it’s on to the NLCS

For luck, the genie lamp I rubs

As we have to take on the Cubs

An inspiring season for the Mets

He’s a Parcells disciple guy

The game may have passed him by

Good luck to Dan Campbell

With a team that’s in shambles

Might as well give it a try

An underperforming crew

Bad luck thrown in, too

An opportunity missed

Has the Scooters pissed

Should be 4-1 and not 3-2

An offense that ain’t scorin’

Play calls that have me snorin’

A D that looks confused

A quarterback getting abused

Doubts and concerns about Dave Doeren

He was a quote machine

Both hysterical and mean

Farewell to the Ol’ Ball Coach

His hilarity beyond reproach

A personality the game’s never seen

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: The ‘Fins Finally Shitcan “Queasy Joe,” Plus Harvey Douches Up Mets Celebration

Two years too late

Joe Philbin met his fate

A nice guy with some wit

Couldn’t coach for shit

The ‘Fins are in a sorry state

A caricature of an NFL coach

Dan Campell brings a new approach

A pumped-up believer in hitting

Has the entire roster shitting

Hopefully the win column it’ll broach

Against all odds, I made

One helluva helpful trade

DeAndre Hopkins came my way

Tyrod Taylor I sent away

Hoping Nuke can help me get paid

Lined up four cupcakes

Drubbed ‘em all, for Pete’s sakes

But when they played an actual team

At the top there rose no cream

A culmination of many Pack mistakes

As the Mets do postseason prep

A d-bag lives up to his rep

Matt Harvey determined to piss off a city

With an attitude detrimental and shitty

He’d do well to watch his every step

Last time …

WFFL Draft 2015: A Dramatic Shift In Strategy For The Scooters

Our league took some real hits over the offseason when a couple of mainstays left the league after 15+ seasons, so I was less pumped about the draft and the season in general than I can ever remember. However, once I was on the clock, the tension and anticipation came back in full force. Picking 10^th in a 14-team league (I’m convinced our draft lottery system is rigged at this point) offered up a challenge, but one I am used to. Once the dust had settled, the beer bottles were emptied, and the shit-talk was exhausted, here’s what was left laying around:

1^st round, 10th overall: Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay

In an unheard-of development in our league, which has been skewed toward quarterback points, no signal-callers were taken in the first eight picks. When Andrew Luck was taken right before my slot, I realized that I had a shot to land the best quarterback in the league with the 10^th pick. I waited about 1.7 seconds to make this selection.

2nd round, 19th overall: Rob Gronkowski, TE, New England

Despite the hole it would put me in at the wide receiver and running back positions, there was simply no way I could pass Gronkowski at this spot. Not only does he perform like a #1 WR, but he has separated himself so completely from the rest of the TE position that it felt like a no-brainer. In fact, I was very surprised that he fell this far. P.S. I refuse to call him “Gronk.”

3rd round, 38th overall: Mark Ingram, RB, New Orleans

Though he had a promising 2014, Ingram still represented a bit of a gulp-inducing pick here. As predicted, the RB and WR pickings at this stage were very limited, and he was the last bonafide top back left. There are rumblings out of the Big Easy that he’ll be much more involved in the passing game, and it appears the Saints are really counting on Ingram stepping up his game to make up for the loss of Jimmy Graham and other playmakers over the past few years.

4^th round, 47th overall: Amari Cooper, WR, OAK

I certainly wasn’t planning on having a rookie wide receiver for the Raiders to be my top wideout, but here we are. I’m huge on Cooper’s potential, especially having seen him turn Patrick Peterson around like a top in limited preseason action. I think Cooper is a quarterback- and franchise-proof target who enters the NFL with a very polished game and a lofty ceiling. If Derek Carr can stay healthy (and I can’t believe I’m typing this), he and Cooper should form one of the league’s most promising tandems pretty quickly.

5^th round, 66th overall: Jarvis Landry, WR, MIA

I was hoping against hope that Landry would fall this far, and the virtual groans from right behind me in the draft order confirmed that I nailed this pick right on time. Landry has quickly become my favorite Dolphins player, and I feel he has a legit shot to catch 110-120 passes this year. Not the fastest wideout in the world, but a tough kid who is willing to go over the middle, shifty in space, and capable of catching anything remotely near him (I believe they call that “catch radius” now)—an important attribute when playing with Ryan Tannehill. Adding Landry gives me a duo of young, emerging receivers who could pay off in a big way.

6^th round, 75^th overall: Chris Ivory, RB, NYJ

Ivory was my keeper from a season ago; since I picked him after the 12^th round last year, I was able to keep him for the price of a sixth-rounder this year. I debated it, but figured that this was about a round or so later than he likely would have gone and pulled the trigger. He doesn’t have another back to really threaten his workload and he is likely to be a larger factor in the passing game, so Ivory in this position made a lot of sense for me as my second back.

7^th round, 94th overall: LeGarrette Blount, RB, NE

Eek. It was really hard for me to get excited about this selection, but the pickings were frighteningly slim at this spot. Blount’s a blockhead who seems to fail everywhere except for New England, where he runs like the second coming of Earl Campbell for some reason. An immediate self-second-guess choice, but you could do worse for your third back than to land New England’s top back.

8^th round, 103^rd overall: Eddie Royal, WR, CHI

Let’s face it: The Bears are going to be behind a lot of this year, and someone has to catch the passes that Jay Cutler doesn’t throw to the other team. Alshon Jeffery is a handful and Martellus Bennett is solid when he’s not bat-shit crazy, but Cutler has a history with Royal, who could provide some respectable numbers in a per-reception league. Definitely a bit of a gamble and project, but the eighth round is where you want to do that.

9^th round, 122^nd overall: Ryan Mathews, RB, PHI

I was frankly surprised that Mathews fell this far, as I’m not convinced that Murray will dominate touches in Philly. Chip Kelly has just enough crazy in him to spread the ball around for the Iggles, and if Mathews can stay healthy—which has long been his issue—he could record surprising stats in this offense.

10^th round, 131^st overall: Dolphins, D/ST, MIA

Miami has an easy early schedule, and the hope is that some key offseason acquisitions will actually play up to their reputation for the ‘Fins, which hasn’t historically been the case. The Dolphins might have the best defensive line in the league, and even though the back seven has a number of question marks, there is enough talent on hand to emerge as one of the best defenses in the league. Can that talent overcome the coaching? That’s the real question in South Beach—well, other than what STD Miley Cyrus currently has.

11^th round, 150^th overall: Cody Latimer, WR, DEN

I had heard good things about this kid most of the summer, and with Julius Thomas departed it seemed like there was room in the Broncos attack for another dependable receiver. Though Manning is declining quickly and down-the-field throws aren’t his “thing” anymore (he’s more Chad Pennington nowadays than anything else), Denver will find a way to put up points again this year, and landing a promising wideout from their system isn’t the worst pick in the world.

12^th round, 159^th overall: Phillip Dorsett, WR, INDY

The “keeper” picks for next year start in this round, so the first two picks of the 12^th round were Jordy Nelson and Kelvin Benjamin—both out for the year with ACLs (if that tells you anything about my league). So this seemed like the right spot to grab a rookie burner in a potent offense with a great quarterback, with one eye on this year and the other eye on next. Depending on how the pecking order shakes out in Indy, Dorsett is a strong get as my fifth receiver.

13^th round, 178^th overall: Harry Douglas, WR, TEN

I’ll be honest, I pretty much took Douglas because he scored a long touchdown in the preseason, which is how I found out he played for the Titans now. I thought he was an underrated part of Atlanta’s attack, and with Mariota arriving in Tennessee, grabbing a veteran starting wideout at this part of the draft as my sixth receiver could turn into something. Honestly, the bottom of the roster will be churned on the waiver wire all year long, but for this night, I felt good about the pick.

14^th round, 187^th overall: Adam Vinatieri, K, INDY

A good kicker in a good offense. Yes, I’m pretty sure Bronco Nagurski was Vinatieri’s first holder, but he still keeps getting the job done and our league’s points are slanted toward kickers. Not a bad grab at this stage.

15^th round, 206^th overall: Larry Donnell, TE, NYG

I second-guessed myself a bit here, making a last-second decision to grab Donnell over New Orleans tight end Josh Hill. Donnell fell off dramatically after a strong early part of last season, but I didn’t expect to see him still around this late in the draft. If he can find his early-2014 form, he’ll be a strong backup and an occasional option for a flex play.

16^th round, 215^th overall: Bengals, D/ST, CIN

Again, a bit of a surprise to see Cincy available this late. As a second defense, this was a no-brainer, especially considering Cincinnati’s relatively weak early schedule. Of course, this also represents a hedge in case the Dolphins play like the Dolphins defensively instead of as a top D/ST.

17^th round, 234^th overall: Tyrod Taylor, QB, BUF

Obviously, not a whole lot of huge expectations surrounding Taylor, but he’s a mobile quarterback surrounded by a lot of highly respectable weapons. I don’t think Beefalo will ask him to do too much, but a backup quarterback who can make plays with his legs and has weapons is an ideal scenario behind a signal-caller like Rodgers.

18^th round, 243^rd overall: Andrew Franks, K, MIA

This was more of a tweak to the other ‘Fins fan in the league, who picked Caleb Sturgis in the last round—who was cut by the Dolphins a couple of days prior. I don’t know that Franks will stick on my roster, but he was worth a flier and the opportunity to zing a fellow long-suffering Miami fan.

OVERALL

There’s something comforting about having the top two players in the league at their respective positions to form the core of your team. I did less research and made riskier projections than I’ve ever done, but came away (once again) getting a lot of praise from other owners on my haul.

I face an extremely difficult division, but for the aspect of fantasy football that the draft accounts for, I was happy with what I was able to pull off and eager to see whether my gambles would pay off down the road.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXII: R.I.P. Yogi Berra, Plus A Coupla Hidden TV Gems

A Yankee legend before his times

The king of funny one-lines

At a great cost

Baseball has lost

A treasure of many different kinds

Pack has won three straight

Against who is up for debate

An embarrassing schedule so far

Has left the door ajar

To wonder exactly who is State

Banshee screams on a major stage

Is it all part of ‘roid rage?

With a customary lack of class

Serena Williams beat at the pass

Can we all now just turn the page?

Outcoached in every game

A franchise without any shame

Joe Philbin passed his sell-by date

Exasperation turning to hate

Players change, but results stay the same

“Under the Dome” has jumped the shark

“Whispers” surprisingly good on a lark

“Fear the Walking Dead” unique at first

But for actual action it does thirst

TV picks have been pretty stark

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXII: The Deflatriots Bitch-Slap Goodell, Plus Matt Harvey May Not Escape From New York

Brady skated away scot-free

With an overturned guilty plea

A win for the rules dodger

A loss for the inept Roger

Cheating pays, can’t you see?

Armed with a beer and a quip

I shot every round from the hip

Instincts behind a fantasy draft

After yet another lottery shaft

Solid roster with which I can whip

Refugees escaping terror

As their lives get even barer

The coming border war

Is at our doorstep for sure

The question is can we be fairer

I’ll just say it, by gawd

The ‘Fins have a respectable squad

Optimism abounds down south

After years of getting punched in the mouth

Rare ground for this fanbase to trod

The king of Queens, he was

Swept up in the Mets buzz

‘Til he really stepped in it

Unveiling an innings limit

Now Harvey’s public enemy #1, cuz

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: 10 Years Gone, A Sobering Retrospective Of Hurricane Katrina & New Orleans

A decade’s gone by

Since heartbreak came from the sky

Katrina reduced to smithereens

Until I saw New Orleans

I never knew a city could cry

Amidst the strewn rubble

Urban legend did bubble

Who blew the levees

And sank all the Chevys

And heaped trouble on trouble

For rumors, it was hard to blame

The natives who braved the rain

By their own government, ignored

Please help just a little, they implored

One of many Bush stains of shame

But they propped up the Superdome

At least the Saints could have a home

With football love sated

Our memories slowly faded

But the city struggled on alone

Yet Po’boys survived the storm

Jumbalaya still served warm

And the music still marched

With Hurricanes for the parched

New Orleans lives on with a new norm

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Human Dump Trump Presides Over Republican Dumpster Fire, Plus Sark The Sot Is A Thing That Happened

A collection of WASP-y tools

Misogynist and racist fools

This is the state of the GOP

If they were on fire, who would pee

A clown car full of loose stools

Mouthed off to the wrong dude

Now he drinks his food

Geno Smith is the face of the Jets

A bit swollen now, I would guess

They even make the Dolphins look shrewd

Another shooting, another day

“Senseless,” the word on replay

Gun control is worth a debate

If it’s rational and without hate

Before another innocent does pay

Another fantasy season

Has arrived, if you’re pleasin’

Our league is leaking owners

Who were tired of being donors

I’m back, for whatever reason

 

News from the Pac 12 region

Trouble at USC is legion

Coach shows up drunk

Like a frat-douche punk

Well-played, Steve Sarkisian

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Division-Leading Mets Signal Apocalypse, Plus Controversy Mars Football’s Start

 After many a puzzling move

The Mets have found their groove

Brought in some bats

To boost first-place stats

Enjoy it now, it does behoove

Lies continue to pour-a

The media he does ignore-a

A ‘roided-up coach

With a myopic approach

Hilarious Larry Fedora

Reading headlines out there

You might not be aware

But football has returned

Sports radio never learned

No one does listen or care

The Bills’ child abuser

Paid off the accuser

He’s back on the field

Representing the shield

Aaron Kromer, the biggest loser

 

Race talk surrounds the Iggles

Avoiding the issue with wiggles

Say what you will ‘bout Chip Kelly

Sad that slander plays on the telly

And on the radio for giggles

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Battle Of Douches Continues In NFL, Plus The Mets Just Out-Metsed Themselves

Brady’s latest deceit

Rivals that of Belicheat

Who oversees Dumpster fires

A team of phonies and liars

Lie, cheat, rinse and repeat

Too much to tie up with a bow

Sad to see Carla Gugino go

Ran out of episodes

Picked one of many creepy roads

“Wayward Pines” was a promising show

Every house we did comb

Almost decided to just roam

Memories we’ll still hold

‘Til we grow gray and old

Let’s turn a house into a home

Feels like it’s been a year

Fall camp’s finally here

The Fins’ 50^th season

Optimism with some reason

Coaching still a problem, I fear

Like an extended shoelace fall

Without much style or grace, y’all

Pretend it’s normal, lets

But you know, with the Mets

There’s definitely crying in baseball

Last time …