New Olympic Sport: Monitor Tossing

This one has made the rounds at many offices lately, reaching instant-f’ing-classic status already. On a cold, rainy Monday morning with tax time looming, it seemed fitting …

glumbert - Bad Day at the Office

Limerick Friday LXXV: Davidson’s Stephen Curry Is Webster With A Jumpshot

Here we go with the (*fill in random number here; I can’t really read Roman numerals, but they look sorta cool*) edition of Limerick Friday.

Giddyup …

Davidson sending students to the Sweet Sixteen game for free
Saying, “We’re not encouraging you to skip class, but for no fee …”
Then again, their game is in freaking Detroit, by god
If you visit there, you should get credit for Study Abroad
But hell … is it too late to enroll at Davidson for me?

For years, China has raped Tibet
Destroyed their culture and put them in debt
Now Tibetan monks drawing publicity with a protest
Will Beijing torture them to quell the unrest?
Sad, an Olympic host that doesn’t understand human rights yet

Ol’ Roy Boy has vertigo and drinks Coke
His Holes playing four games within a hundred miles is a joke
The NCAA tourney is supposed to be about neutral sites
Raleigh and Charlotte are UNC home courts, and that bites
Gotta hope mouth-breather Hansbrough and his team go up in smoke

W has turned the EPA into another corrupt group
He put foxes in charge of the chicken coop
Now they’re thinking about some carbion dioxide rules
So people don’t think they’re complete utter fools
But it’s eight years late and $10 billion short, you Texas-born piece of poop

A Mac security contest that was supposed to go off without a hitch
Until it took just two minutes to find a huge Safari glitch
The winners won 10 grand and a free laptop, not a bad night
Then they said, “But the free laptop isn’t a Mac, right?”
The Apple CEO shook his head and said, “Son of a bitch!”

Last time …

Ironic Sunglasses + Record Bag = No Covers!

The Sprite Truth Hunter masquerades as D.J. "True Che Guevara" (tee hee) to crash various "exclusive" clubs, events, mass transit venues and tollbooths. Good times.

Never Adopt A Kid From Cleveland (Steamer)

"Potential Adoption Pitfalls That Brangelina Never Considered" or "Who Would Like to Sex the Matumbo?" ...

“Breaking News … An Inner Tube Just Lodged A Microphone Deep Into My Colon”

This guy’s a consummate professional journalist: Gets destroyed by a runaway enormous tire, goes ass over tea kettle, does a complete 360, lands on his arse on packed snow … and STILL hits his mark and throws it back to the studio before blacking out.

[slow clap]


http://view.break.com/469591 - Watch more free videos

Unique Marketing Strategy Nearly Pays Off For "Dan In Real Life"

Normally we all make snap judgments on a new movie, show or song. Our prevailing wisdom tells us that such artistic endeavors either resonate with us immediately or simply fall short of what we are looking for in such medias. Yet, from time to time, it either takes repeated viewings or some unknown length of time between viewings or listenings to form an ultimate opinion on how we truly feel. For me, “Dan In Real Life” falls into the latter category.

My initial reaction was one of complete surprise at a movie that was entirely different than what I had expected based on the previews. My secondary impression was that Steve Carell’s character, Dan Burns, was a latter-day version of Charlie Brown, a walking Murphy’s Law who was shunned by everyone in his life and couldn’t find any way at all to do anything right. As a result, my gut instinct was to assign the movie an overriding feeling of depression, which was hard to overcome. Initially, getting past that pervasive pall of sadness was difficult enough to overpower some of the other attractive aspects of the flick.

Combined with this gray mood of the movie was a perception that poor casting had robbed the story of a chance of being really good. In the first half-hour of the film, it was hard to picture Carell in any other light than as Michael Scott of “The Office,” and I spent that first 30 minutes waiting for Dwight to show up and start whipping beets at Juliette Binoche (Marie). I found Binoche to be very good in her role, both captivating and mysterious at times, and once Carell found his rhythm within the movie, they became a very engaging, nuanced couple. But Dane Cook in a fairly vital role? Really? Cook plays Mitch, who is dating the woman that Dan met in a bookstore and fell for on sight, not knowing she was his brother’s girlfriend. Plus, Dan’s sisters were all throwaway characters in the flick, and I thought that, considering his fairly impressive background, director and writer Peter Hedges (“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”, “About A Boy” and “Pieces of April”) could have gotten more out of Dan’s parents, the always-great John Mahoney and underrated Dianne Wiest.

There is also a sense that we never really get to know Dan and the emotions that are restricting him in so many ways. We pick up that he’s an advice columnist who has also written a fairly successful work of fiction, but for such a large part of his life, we really learn very little about this part of him. We are told that his wife passed away, but we are given little to no background about her death, an event that must have informed so much of his professional and personal choices and aspirations. The plot development seemed a little immature at times as well, relying on some clichés, especially at the end, where things are tied up a little too tidily and come across as too feel-good. And, whether you would like to admit it or not, you were undoubtedly praying that Dan would eventually slap the ever-loving christ out of one or all of his daughters at various points.

Yet at its best, “Dan In Real Life” proves that even the blandest movie can have a moment or two that sweeps you up, that even the most predictable of flicks can be quite different than what you expect. In fact, this movie adopted a relatively revolutionary marketing tactic; it used the tag line, “Plan to be surprised,” effectively giving a nod to a marketing campaign centered around not fully explaining the movie itself, letting you make your own assumptions that would theoretically be proven wrong when you actually watched the movie. Of course, this method makes a very large assumption itself: that you will, in fact, go see the movie. It’s a risky approach, but one that can pay off if things fall into place.

Hedges does come up with a few subtle, well-placed techniques within the flick as well. As has been pointed out elsewhere, the use of “Murphy’s Law” as the answer to a crossword puzzle effectively serves as a symbol of Dan’s role throughout the bulk of the movie. Also, the football game of the frontyard is rife with symbolism, with Cook’s character and Carell’s character pulling Marie toward them, literally pulling her in different directions. Even more telling, Binoche’s character, the love interest, is “Marie” to Dan and “Annie” to Mitch, symbolizing how each brother views her as a completely different person, who represents different things to each.

There were a few funny moments as well. Dan picking out “Everyone Poops” and declaring it a “real page-turner” for Marie to buy in the bookstore was hysterical, as were the physical-comedy moments that Carell excels at, from his attempting to do some form of yoga, to dancing at a bar, to rocketing out a window and flying off the roof and into some bushes.

The humorous scenes were balanced well by some unexpectedly poignant moments. The movie really finds its soul when Dan joins Mitch onstage for a family talent show, playing the guitar and singing Peter Townshend’s “Let My Love Open the Door.” We’re finally let into Dan’s hidden heart, the area he has protected for so long, when the song ends and Dan unexpectedly plays the final verse as a solo:

When tragedy befalls you
Don’t let them bring you down
Love can cure your problem
You’re so lucky I’m around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

Unmistakable as a naked plea to Marie to help him fully break free from the memory of his dead wife, the verse serves as a spellbinding, moving moment in the film.

“Dan In Real Life” would have benefited from finding its footing with more mature, serious moments and revelations earlier in the story arc, but is redeemed in the end by such meaningful moments. This is a film that was created to surprise you and destroy your expectations; whether it truly succeeds resides within the individual viewer, but it deserves credit for taking that leap. I believe it falls short of landing where it ultimately intended, but it’s a film that grows on you as time passes … and such movies are rare enough that “Dan In Real Life” is one to be remembered for its boldness.

Rice Delivers A Memorable “Hallelujah” As Fitting Tribute To Cohen, Buckley

One of my favorite songs of all time is “Hallelujah,” the haunting piece written by Leonard Cohen and vaulted into renown thanks to the version performed by the late Jeff Buckley. With a voice alternately described in various quarters as “ethereal,” “striking,” “multi-octave” and the “greatest of all time,” Buckley owns the unquestioned, defining performance of the song, a brilliant interpretation that seems tailor-made for Buckley’s wide-ranging, unique chords.

Since Buckley’s death in 1997, there have been a host of artists who have attempted covers of Cohen’s original song. Until Irish singer Damien Rice took the stage at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City on March 10, they had all fallen far short of Buckley’s efforts. As a tribute to Cohen’s induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Rice put forth perhaps the most worthy version of Buckley’s interpretation of Cohen’s song. Known for beautiful, haunting songs such as “Delicate,” “Blower’s Daughter,” “Cold Water” and “9 Crimes,” Rice told the audience that if he were to “float off on a balloon” and could bring only one artist’s music, it would be Cohen’s. Rice’s emotional, moving rendition of “Hallelujah” certainly reveals his true respect and admiration of Cohen … and at the same time, Buckley.

For context, there’s a link to the definitive Buckley performance of the song here, a link to other renditions of the song here and a video of a different version sung live by Buckley:

Another Gallo Update

For those of you who have asked after my pup Gallo, I wanted to put together this brief (and it turns out that by "brief," I mean "not very brief at all") update on him. If you are inclined to catch up on the backstory, you can click here, here and here.

It’s been about a month since G’Lo was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma, a form a cancer that attacks the vascular organs. They found the disease in his spleen, which had been removed during emergency surgery a few days prior.

On Friday, March 7, Gallo underwent the first of five rounds of chemotherapy. The most difficult part was having to drop him off at the vet’s office in the morning, and seeing his face when he realized I wasn’t sticking around this time. He is normally very happy to be at the vet and always listens to whoever is giving him orders, but this time he broke free from the vet tech’s grasp and made a mad dash toward me as I was walking out the door (this is prolly a result of him waking up minus one organ the last time I left him alone at the vet). I saw his panicked face and heard him run into the door as it closed, but there was no way I could go in and say goodbye to him again. Needless to say, I was a wreck on the way to work and the rest of the day.

After a day of taking his chemo medications intravenously, Gallo was released to us in the afternoon. He didn’t exhibit any side effects from the chemotherapy, and upon returning home, seemed to have plenty of energy and was adjusting to the additional meds that we were instructed to give him.


Gallo was fine through the weekend, but at about 4:30 on Monday morning, I was awoken to the sound of him getting sick. I rushed him outside and he had diarrhea as well, so when he came back in, I sat with him, but 10 minutes later, he began getting sick again. After more difficulties outside, I again sat down next to him beside the bed, petting him until he fell asleep. About three hours later, 30 seconds before the alarm went off for us to get up, G’Lo began getting sick again. Not only had he succeeded in rendering his doggy bed forever useless, but he put us in a panic. Keeping in mind that the doctor had mentioned that waiting too long to bring side effects or symptoms to the vet’s attention following chemotherapy was a common mistake, we contacted the clinic and were asked to bring him in once more. With G in such a weakened state following chemo, we knew that we had no choice but to get him some help and find out what was happening to him. A few hours later, the doctor called me to let me know that Gallo’s white blood cell count was way too high, and they were finding a lot of pus in his blood. He had also gotten sick two more times at the vet, leading them to conclude that he had developed a gastrointestinal infection as a result of the effect the chemotherapy was having on his bone marrow, and as a result, his white blood cells. They administered two different rounds of antibiotics to bring his count to an acceptable level, and we were allowed to go and get him at 9 p.m. on Monday evening. It was one of the longest days of my life … but I’ve had a few of those lately.

G was prescribed anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea medications in addition to his other drugs, so he now officially takes more meds than Arthur Spooner from “King Of Queens.” We were instructed to put him on a diet of rice, scrambled eggs and chicken stock for a few days while he adjusted to the medications and the chemo drugs. As a dog who had never consistently received any human food before, he felt like he hit the lottery, even though he obviously still felt like crap. He seemed to regain strength and feel better relatively quickly, although he refused to drink water anymore, until we spiked it with apple juice.

We went back to the vet this past Friday for another blood count check, and they found his white blood cells to be back in the “normal” range. Our doctor told us that the good news to come out of Gallo’s reaction to his initial round of chemotherapy is that now they know how his body responds, and they can adjust the chemo and related medications to adjust for that reaction. And further good news for G-boy is that, after a solid month of repeated trips to the vet, he has a week off from having to go back, as he is slated for a “rest” week.


Gallo’s great demeanor and unflagging energy continues to amaze me. At this point, I would be assuming the fetal position while huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth and muttering gibberish to myself. Meanwhile, G’Lo continues to race around the backyard, perform flying leaps off the front porch and back deck, eat with gusto, and wag his tail at every opportunity. I know that his excitable personality and desire to make me proud of him have served him well during this trying time of repeated pokes, prods, forced Elizabethan collar-wearing, injections, surgeries and medications. Even though his body is under attack, he is still as happy and content as he has ever been. I still believe that the timing of his second bout of sickness early on Monday morning was no accident; I think that getting sick just 30 seconds before the alarm went off was his way of trying not to wake me up and his attempting to wait until I was awake and taking him outside before he got sick. I don’t know whether that should make me laugh or cry.

Being in the position of having to try to make the most informed and accurate decisions on Gallo’s behalf has been trying. There have been moments where I have doubted whether chemotherapy has been the right option, and whether his quality of life has been diminished enough to make it worthwhile. After all, his entire well-being and livelihood is dependent on the choices I make for him: if I give him something to eat, he eats it without question; if I ask him to go somewhere with me, he follows without hesitation; if I subject him to the doctor’s needles, he braves it without pause or complaint. It is a huge responsibility, and one that I don’t enter into lightly.

Yet I know that, as a strong dog of not even seven years old, he deserves every opportunity for a prolonged life. As long as I see no evidence of pain or unhappiness or lethargy, we’ll continue to make every sacrifice to ensure his safety, health, happiness and well-being. He’s stuck with me through a lot of difficult times, so I couldn’t live with myself if I didn't return the favor to the best of my means and abilities.

Thanks again to all of you who have followed Gallo’s saga and asked for updates on his condition and progress. I’m confident that your kind wishes, happy thoughts and prayers have made a difference – to him and us alike.

UPDATE, 9:55 a.m., Thursday, March 20: Unfortunately, at about 12:15 last night, we were awoken to Gallo getting violently ill once again. He seemed to be feeling relatively well beyond the nausea, and he slept the rest of the night through peacefully. We contacted his doctor this morning and were instructed to resume administering him his anti-nausea medicine, which we had stopped giving him because it was almost out. The vet was renewing his prescription, so I plan to pick it up on the way from work today. I will also be visiting Gallo at lunchtime to be sure that he is still doing OK. Another scare for all of us, but (*knock on wood*) it looks to be under control.

Rebuilding The Pack Is A Tall Task … But A Far From Impossible One

When you’re one of the most storied programs in the history of college basketball, when you’re the birthplace of basketball in the South, when you’re the founder of Tobacco Road, when you’re home to the Atlantic Coast Conference’s greatest player ever … being irrelevant hurts. To be considered an afterthought, or worse, a laughingstock—and absent from any discussion on Selection Sunday—is unfathomable. And to be the very worst team in the respected league you played a vital role in founding is unacceptable. Following the Pack’s 15-16 performance, including a 4-13 effort in league play, legendary State coach Everett Case is unquestionably rolling in his grave.

Yet even Coach Case would recognize the limitations of the 2007-08 version of the NC State Wolfpack. From Brandon Costner’s bizarre disappearance to Ben McCauley’s soft play to Courtney Fells’s complete lack of floor sense to Gavin Grant’s ability to kill any run with a head-shaking play, the Pack meshed as well as a screen door on a submarine this season. As always, the fault lies with the coach, and Sidney Lowe seemed as puzzled as any onlooker by State’s dispassionate play and complete lack of heart. To lose is one thing; to lose without maximum effort is unthinkable for a program that has long built itself on the foundation of outworking foes as the perpetual underdog.


While that deficit of desire undoubtedly lies at the feet of Lowe, it also fair to embrace the reality that he is dealing with a mismatched hodge-podge of a few of his own recruits and a majority of leftovers from coach Herb Sendek’s regime. Rumors and speculation swirl around chemistry issues between Lowe’s newcomers and Sendek’s holdovers that caused a fissure in the team, but the worst problem results from Sendek’s players being better fits for a Princeton-style offense and Lowe’s recruits being better-equipped for an isolation-heavy, NBA-fashioned attack. The final result is the core problem that Wolfpack hoops faced this year, when distilled and boiled down to its essence:


State’s best athletes had zero basketball intelligence. State’s players with a high hoops IQ were unathletic.

Rectifying these issues will come down to nothing more and nothing less than recruiting, recruiting, recruiting. Lowe’s first full class showed ample signs that he knows what he’s doing on the recruiting trails: J.J. Hickson is a man-child who could be one and done to the NBA; Tracy Smith is an intriguing four man in development; Javy Gonzalez had enough good moments in his trial by fire as a freshman point guard in the ACC to leave one expecting a solid career in the league; and Johnny Thomas was considered the team’s best athlete and defender before suffering a season-ending knee injury prior to the campaign. Next year, the Pack welcomes exactly what it needs: backcourt help. Indiana product Julius Mays is a proven winner as a talented combo guard, while North Carolina native C.J. Williams is a versatile swingman with the game to compete right away.

Some feel that Lowe will—or should—turn to a two-ballhandler starting duo in 2008-09, assuming that steady Farnold Degand returns to form following the knee injury that knocked him out for most of this year. A backcourt of Degand and Gonzalez or Mays would allow NC State to compete against ACC opponents that rely extensively on two-point guard and three-guard lineups, with Trevor Ferguson lending depth and three-point accuracy at the two. That would also free up Fells to take over for Grant as the small forward, a move which would minimize Fells’s weaknesses (turnovers, ballhandling, shot selection) and maximize his strengths (athletic ability, defense). Mixing in Williams and Thomas (though his rehab has not gone as well as the Pack staff had hoped) would give the Wolfpack some intriguing possibilities at the three.

In the frontcourt, Costner, McCauley and Dennis Horner all regressed in a big way this year, although you would need a room full of psychiatrists, a Ouija board and some peyote to figure out why. Rumors persist that Hickson will take his game to the NBA and Costner could be out of town as well, which would leave McCauley, Smith and Horner to handle the bulk of responsibilities at the four and five positions. In such a scenario, rugged walk-on Simon Harris would have to play a larger and somewhat unexpected role. The resulting lack of depth would seem to further justify any decision to lean more heavily on smaller, three-guard or lineups.

Where does that leave guard Marques Johnson? To be blunt, Johnson has to be willing to transform his entire game and turn himself into a strong defender and zone-busting set shooter. He doesn’t possess the foot speed or ballhandling ability to compete with opposing point guards, but a dedication to improving all aspects of his floor game could allow him to find minutes at the two.

Could State actually be a better team if Hickson, Grant and/or Costner are no longer around? Amazingly, the answer is yes. College basketball is a guard-driven enterprise, and transitioning Fells to small forward to make room for Degand, Gonzalez and Mays to hold down the backcourt could actually improve the Wolfpack at three positions: one, two and three. Running some high-post sets through McCauley, as State did extensively in 2006-07, could also offer a nice change of pace to counter some zones.

No matter what Lowe elects to do or how he decides to approach restructuring his offense, there’s no way around the fact that he has to find a way to get more ballhandlers and shooters on the floor. To that end, future recruits Scott Wood and (hopefully) Lorenzo Brown will be ideal fits for State in 2009-10, although that admittedly seems and feels like a long way away. This season, the Pack was hamstrung by an inability to penetrate the defense, struggles in successfully feeding the post, dismal perimeter shooting, a lack of skill in handling pressing defenses, problems in running effective fast breaks and difficulties in moving the ball in the half court without turning the ball over. NC State will have to improve in transporting the ball (in Sendek’s words), making teams pay for double teams by knocking down wide-open treys and attacking presses by finishing at the rim instead of just crossing halfcourt.

Achieving these goals won’t necessarily translate into a top-three finish in the ACC or even a NCAA Tournament appearance in 2008-09. But it will give State a more competitive, dynamic squad next year, one that would make Wolfpack Nation proud again … including one Everett Case.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I have a week-long trip to Ireland coming up in early April, so St. Patrick's Day is like a good appetizer for that upcoming adventure.

Erin go bragh!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Drink Guinness!

Limerick Friday LXXIV: Spitzer’s Stuck — But At Least Not To A Toilet Seat

Bad decisions for Governor Elliott Spitzer
After getting drunk on a fruity wine spritzer
Thought he could get away with a crime
By buying a hooker on the taxpayer’s dime
Until she said, “If you bring a sheep, I need five grand, mister.”

A merciful ending to hoops season for the Pack
Not one player with heart or an ounce of sack
Can’t make a jumpshot to save their life
Some blame it on internal team strife
It’s up to Sid to add all the things this team did lack

They’ve got Eve Carson murder suspects numbering two
High school dropouts on probation, it’s true
The system let them slip through the cracks
So they could resume their crack-induced attacks
It would be nice to see the death penalty for these two go through

Apparently, flopping is something done by a goat
Altho Coach K would tell you that’s an erroneous quote
Fans of the Tar Holes say all Dook does is flop
And while the Devils spend more floor time than a mop
You’ve also gotta put Tyler the Traveler in the flopping boat

Getting stuck living in a trailer park is no great feat
But getting your arse fused to a goddam toilet seat?!
She stopped to take a grumpy
Until she started feeling a little dumpy
And said, “I’ll just stay here … it’s quite a soothing retreat!”

Last time …

“My Prediction? Pain.”

It’s finally here; today is the ACC Tournament’s Opening Day, signifying that March Madness has officially arrived. The 55th annual league tourney takes place at Charlotte Bobcats Arena … where former Tar Heels go to die.

Yesterday, Scooter & Hum broke down each conference team. Today, with an apology to Clubber Lang, we take a shot at predicting the outcomes of each and every game in the ACC Tournament. Click here for the tournament bracket, here for the official tourney headquarters, here for last year's seeding breakdown and here for a look at last year’s predictions.

Without further ado …

THURSDAY, MARCH 13, FIRST ROUND


Noon: #8 Wake Forest vs. #9 Florida State
As has been the case with previous Wake teams, there are times when the Deacs fall in love with the perimeter shot and don’t work the ball inside. Wake Forest’s Ish Smith and Jeff Teague will square off against FSU’s Toney Douglas and Jason Rich in a battle of strong backcourts, but the Seminoles are bigger and stronger at the guard position, and that will pay off in a big way for Florida State. The Demon Deacons will need to feed James Johnson and Chas McFarland in the post in order to punish the ‘Noles on the interior, but FSU will dictate the pace and not allow that to happen. The league’s Cinderella story will end in the noon game instead of at midnight for the Deacs, but it should be close the entire way.
Winner: #9 Florida State

2:30 p.m.: #5 Miami vs. #12 NC State
The Hurricanes will have payback in mind after the Pack stunned Miami earlier in the year with a last-second steal and layup by Gavin Grant. Jack McClinton carried the ‘Canes in that matchup, and he’ll do the same in this one. State has trouble defending perimeter screens and also matching up man-to-man, and with an eight-game losing streak hanging around their necks like an anchor, the Wolfpack has zero momentum going into the tourney. Miami also has to win to cement a bid to the “Big Dance,” while NC State is looking for reasons to end a dismal campaign. All the signs point to the Hurricanes in this one, but State will be a difficult out if it can summon some of the “Cardiac Pack” magic it discovered in last year’s tourney. This one is likely to be tighter than most expect, but look for NC State to play to form by committing some crucial turnovers at crunch time to gift-wrap the game for the ‘Canes.
Winner: #5 Miami


7:00 p.m.: #7 Georgia Tech vs. #10 Virginia
This is a matchup of a couple of teams who ended the regular season playing pretty good basketball for bottom-feeders. With two evenly matched squads, the advantage usually goes to the team with the difference-maker, and in this case, that’s Wahoo super senior Sean Singletary (say that 10 times fast). Tech’s Matt Causey isn’t quick enough to stay with Singletary on the perimeter and “Mo” Miller isn’t experienced enough to deal with Singletary’s veteran tricks at the point. The 'Hoos were one of the biggest disappointments in the ACC Tournament last year after getting bounced by the Wolfpack despite a very high seed, so coach Dave Leitao will be itching for a better showing. Yellow Jackets Anthony Morrow and Jeremis Smith will do enough to give the Cavaliers a lot of trouble, but UVa should pull this one out down the stretch ... but not before Tech coach Paul Hewitt gets his money's worth in lambasting the refs.
Winner: #10 Virginia


9:30 p.m.: #6 Maryland vs. #11 Boston College
Terps coach Gary Williams squares off against his former school, and when it comes to Xs and Os, he’ll find a way to nullify the Eagles lone weapon, Tyrese Rice. Grievis Vasquez is a strong defender who will get physical with Rice, and B.C. doesn’t have anyone who can deal with James Gist and Bambale Osby in the paint. Boston College coach Al Skinner will put a scare into the Terrapins — and so will his choppers — but for not much longer than a half.
Winner: #6 Maryland


FRIDAY, MARCH 14, QUARTERFINALS

Noon: #1 UNC vs. #9 Florida State
The ‘Noles are one of the league’s rarities, in that they are athletic enough to match up well with the Tar Heels at most positions. FSU’s Jason Rich is a big-game player, and Toney Douglas and Uche Echefe are capable of catching lightning in a bottle for stretches. The question becomes whether Douglas can put enough pressure on still-injured Tywon Lawson, while how Tyler Hansbrough is officiated will have a huge impact on the outcome. Danny Green runs hot and cold for the Heels, but he’s been the best sixth man in the nation of late, giving UNC an enormous spark off the bench. The country’s top-ranked team simply has too much firepower for the Seminoles to handle.
Winner: #1 UNC


2:30 p.m.: #4 Virginia Tech vs. #5 Miami
Kudos to ACC Coach of the Year Seth Greenberg and his Hokies for a strong season, but they are as vulnerable a fourth-seed as I can remember in the league. In this “battle of the bubbles,” the winner not only earns a trip to the semifinals, but also likely a berth in the NCAA Tournament. A.D. Vassallo, Jeff Allen and Deron Washington are a respectable trio for Virginia Tech, but Jack McClinton & Co. are deeper and more talented overall. If you’re getting the idea that I think the ‘Canes are dangerous in Charlotte, you’re right. Unfortunately for the Hokies, this is simply not a good matchup for them, and it’s going to be a tough finish to a surprising year for this gutsy bunch.
Winner: #5 Miami


7:00 p.m.: #2 Duke vs. #10 Virginia
The Blue Devils will have a lot to prove after laying an egg in the regular-season finale against UNC and going out early in last season’s tourney in a loss to NC State. A surprisingly deep Duke squad simply has too many weapons to offset Sean Singletary and his merry band of no-names. This is one of the few games the Devils will face the rest of the way where they won’t have to be lights-out from three-point land to advance. No one in the conference will be happy to see Coach K’s crew gaining confidence with a relatively easy victory here.
Winner: #2 Duke


9:30 p.m.: #3 Clemson vs. #6 Maryland
The three-seed will always have it rough under this format of the ACC Tournament. Playing your first game of the tourney super-late on the second day? Having to watch seven other games played before you even get a chance to see the floor? It’s a tough gig for the Tigers, and it doesn’t get any easier against a Terps team that has demonstrated the ability to play very strong basketball. Clemson’s stifling press, the slashing of Cliff Hammonds, the perimeter shooting of K.C. Rivers, and the boardwork of James Mays and Trevor Booker give the Tigers a lot of respectable threats, but Maryland boasts the better all-around players and the better coach. Horrific free-throw shooting cost Clemson two victories over UNC this season, and it’s hard to ignore the idea that it will haunt them in the postseason. It says here that it will in this one.
Winner: #6 Maryland



SATURDAY, MARCH 15, SEMIFINALS

1:30 p.m.: #1 UNC vs. #5 Miami
A trip to the semis locks up a “Big Dance” ticket for the ‘Canes, but coach Frank Haith’s squad runs out of gas against the deeper and more well-rested Tar Heels. The Hurricanes would do well to slow the tempo against UNC and save some energy, but expect the Heels to push the ball as often as possible. Can McClinton’s legs hold up long enough to keep knocking down three-pointers for the third straight day? Will it be enough to keep carrying Miami against the nation’s No. 1 squad? Tired players get lazy on defense, and that doesn’t bode well against Tyler “The Traveler” Hansbrough. Expect the Hurricanes to get whistled for any contact at all against Hansbrough, helping to usher them out of the ACC tourney despite a valiant effort.
Winner: #1 UNC


4:00 p.m.: #2 Duke vs. #6 Maryland
It’s no secret that Coach K and Gary Williams hate each other, so this game will have all kinds of intensity. Duke’s Greg Paulus is outmanned in the matchup against Grievis Vasquez, and Maryland’s James Gist can cause matchup problems for the Blue Devils with his ability to wheel and deal on the blocks and also shoot from long range. The Terrapins should dominate the boards against the smaller Devils thanks to Gist and Bambale Osby, but Duke’s longer bench and ability to get hot from beyond the arc should carry the Blue Devils to victory. Lost in the euphoria over a third UNC-Duke contest will be the question of whether Maryland did enough to claim one of the final berths for the NCAAs.
Winner: #2 Duke



SUNDAY, MARCH 16, FINALS

1:00 p.m.: #1 UNC vs. #2 Duke
My brain tells me UNC, but my gut tells me Duke. My heart? Well, my heart tells me to wish for a minor earthquake that destroys the Bobcats Arena at gametime. They say the devil doesn’t have a heart, but Duke’s was broken by a terrible performance at Cameron Indoor Stadium against the hated Heels a week prior. Something tells me that the Blue Devils are going to make up for a subpar effort from the perimeter by drilling three after three against a Tar Heels squad that is known for defensive lapses. Duke isn’t afraid to push the ball against anyone, and while some feel that plays right into UNC’s wheelhouse, the reality is that the Heels usually forget about Tyler Hansbrough when they try to get out and run. The smallish Devils would welcome it if the Tar Heels elect to ignore hammering away at the vulnerable Duke frontcourt with Hansbrough, and Roy Williams is too proud to change his approach. Yet the biggest question of the today is going to be: Who’s officiating this one? But now it’s baby blue hearts that are breaking in Wal-Marts all across the state, as Duke claims the all-important No. 1 seed in the East Region.
Winner: #2 Duke

Hoops Frenzy Hits “Queen City”; Charlotte Goes Mad

“March Madness” has officially arrived on Tobacco Road (I actually heard a story about some Eurotrash driving around the Triangle actually asking for directions to Tobacco Road, but that’s a tale for another day), meaning that the dozen ACC squads will be taking the Queen City by storm for the conference tourney, starting Thursday. Let’s take a quick look at each team’s chances to take home the league crown in 2008.

For reference, here's the bracket and the official tourney headquarters. And just for fun, here’s a look back at last year’s breakdown …


1. UNC
Let it be stated here first: if the Tar Heels are officiated the way they were at Cameron Indoor Stadium this past weekend, UNC is ripe for an upset. In fact, if Roy Williams sees Teddy Valentine wetting his whistle prior to the Heels taking the floor, he should have footballer Greg Little flatten the official. Otherwise, why did you tell the kid he could walk on to the basketball team anyway? Of course, most expect that we’ll once more see Tyler Hansbrough travel, flop and run into other players hard enough to be called for one foul and go to the free-throw line roughly 42 times to make up for last weekend’s zero trips to the charity stripe. Danny Green is the X factor for the Heels, although his gay little “Peanuts” dance before the game has to go. You can bet that if a player on Miami or Florida State did the same thing, the “thug” and “out of control” labels would be flying, but since it’s one of the ACC poster-children, it’s seen as cute and good for team chemistry. Go figger. Tywon Lawson isn’t 100 percent and you never quite know which Wayne Ellington will show up, but the Heels are still the team to beat.

2. Duke
The Blue Devils played poorly enough down the stretch to force Coach K to start sweating hair polish (Polish?). They’re six-minute-long scoring drought at home vs. the Heels certainly won’t give them added confidence headed into tourney play. This is still a team that lives and dies by the three-pointer, and late in the year, teams had more success forcing the Dookies to finish around the rim. Jon Scheyer is a much-improved all-around player, Greg Paulus is a dangerous shooter as long as he doesn’t have to defend anyone, Kyle Singler hasn’t quite hit the freshman wall yet, DeMarcus Nelson will be looking to make up for a no-show on Senior Night, and any points from “Lurch” Zoubek are a bonus. Can the Devils sustain tremendous perimeter shooting for three straight days in Charlotte? If they can, they could easily take home the title. If they have an off night, however, they will be an early out … and Coach K will be rambling about an injury report on his phantom back injury.


3. Clemson
Lou Gossett Jr.’s (is his pumpkin-orange jacket as scary as Tennessee’s Bruce “Pearls of Sweat”?) club was shaky in the second half of the conference slate, but you have to give him credit for keeping his team together after two brutal overtime losses to UNC. Your normal Tigers squad would have gone in the tank after the second setback, but Clemson did enough to claim sole ownership of the third-best-ACC-team tag. K.C. Rivers and Cliff Hammonds are playmakers with strong in-between games, James Mays has so much experience that he claims Tree Rollins as a former roommate, and that Oglesby kid is a threat from 35 feet in. If the Tigers could make a by-god free throw, you could put them in the mix. But they can’t, so it’s going to be another early exit in postseason play for Clemson … but at least an NCAA tourney berth will take some of the attention away from even more NCAA violations by “Tearful” Tommy Bowden on the football side of things.

4. Virginia Tech
Despite a highly suspect in- and out-of-conference schedule, the Hokies are perhaps the biggest surprise of the year. Yet a bitter and somewhat controversial loss at Clemson to close the regular season means the Hokies most likely have to win a couple in the ACC Tournament to punch their dance card. Seth Greenberg always seems to find a way to keep his team relevant, and he deserves strong mention for ACC Coach of the Year honors. Rookie Jeff Allen is quietly becoming one of the league’s finest big men, while Deron Washington makes highlight-reel plays, if doing little else. Underrated and ageless A.D. Vassallo, who I swear I once saw playing for the barnstorming Havana Toros about 15 years ago, can heat up with the best of them, making the Hokies a very tough out. As a bubble team, Virginia Tech will have plenty to play for, but a team that gets by on smoke and mirrors usually gets exposed come tourney time.

5. Miami
Jack McClinton is Tyrese Rice South for the ‘Canes … he makes Miami just dangerous enough to put a big scare into a lot of teams. Jeremy Hyatt’s half-brother, Jimmy Graham, is the garbage man, and Miami has a lot of depth in Anthony King, Dwayne Collins & Co. The devastating OT loss to Florida State in the regular-season finale put a severe dent in the Hurricanes’ posteason resume, so coach Frank Haith, who has had a terrific year, knows that his squad has to be impressive in the ACC Tournament. The ‘Canes have a lot of pieces of the puzzle, making them a darkhorse candidate to stun onlookers in Charlotte. Is Miami a basketball school now? I guess we’ll find out.


6. Maryland
The ACC’s Jeckyll and Hyde team, the Terrapins started slowly, then looked like the ACC’s third-best team in the middle of the season, then inexplicably fell apart down the stretch. General Grievis Vasquez is the guy that Terp foes love to hate, and he’s a statsheet filler. James Gist turns 40 during the ACC Tournament and Bambale Osby is auditioning to play Artis Gilmore in Will Ferrell’s next movie about the ABA, but this is a group that has only worsened coach Gary Williams’s drinking problem. He’s a master motivator who usually has a good feel for his team this late in the year, but something is missing on this version of the Terps. Only a deep run in the tourney will earn Maryland a “Big Dance” bid, and if they can put it all together and rediscover some of the earlier magic that helped them knock off UNC in the Nose Dome, the Terrapins could make some noise.

7. Georgia Tech
Coach Paul Hewitt has some pieces, but recruiting one-and-done types finally caught up with him this year. Anthony Morrow and Jeremis Smith give the Jackets a nice inside-out combo, and “Mo” Miller and Matt Causey are capable of getting very hot at the point. D’Andre Bell and Gani Lawal are terrific defenders, giving Tech the type of team that can pull an upset, but can’t sustain consistent good play. The Yellow Jackets look to be a year away from serious contention in a tournament of this magnitude, but my guess is they’ll just blame it all on Reggie Ball anyway. For the record … Chan Gailey agrees: It is Reggie Ball's fault.

8. Wake Forest
Has any team gotten more favorable publicity out of a single win than the Deacs got out of beating Duke? Of course, they’re a good story this year with the Skip Prosser backdrop and the victory over the Blue Devils was huge, but they lost four in a row after that and had more than a little trouble beating woeful NC State at home. The Demon Deacons did the fast fade from NCAA Tournament possibility to the eight seed in the ACC tourney. Mighty Mites Ish Smith and Jeff Teague comprise arguably the nation’s fastest backcourt, so they can give certain teams huge difficulties. Rookie phenom James Johnson is a tough matchup on the interior, and Chas McFarland and David Weaver give Wake impressive size. They’ll be a feel-good story in nearby Charlotte, but a lack of depth will make it difficult for the Demon Deacons in this tourney.


9. Florida State
You have to give it to him: few coaches do less with more than Leonard Hamilton. Jason Rich and Toney Douglas give the Seminoles a fighting chance in a four-day tournament, but FSU still plays a lot like a bunch of athletes playing their second-favorite sport. Uche Echefu has been playing well, but Julian Vaughn needs to live up to his billing and Ryan Reid needs to control his temper to help out the ‘Noles, especially after they lost solid guard Isaiah Swann for the season. Sam Cassell ain’t walking through that door with more whine-and-cheese-crowd comments, but Florida State is missing the fire that players like Cassell and Tim Pickett once brought to tourney time. FSU is capable of putting together strong stretches of play, but aren’t strong enough mentally to handle the rigors of making a concerted and sustained ACC Tournament run.

10. Virginia
Against all odds, the Wahoos were one of the league’s hottest teams down the stretch. Phenomenal Sean Singletary always gives them a chance to win, but you couldn’t pick any of the Cavs’ other players out of a lineup. Overcoming a near player revolt earlier in the year, coach Dave Leitao has done a nice job of gaining control over his roster. I never thought I would miss Jason “Porn ‘Stache Cain” this much, but having a “Drago” lookalike (Laurynas Mikalauskus) on the floor certainly helps pick up the slack … “I must break you!” You know Singletary will be spectacular, but the Cavaliers will need Mamadi Diane and Adrian Joseph to play out of their minds for four straight days — and that ain’t happening.


11. Boston College
The Eagles feature Tyrese Rice and four guys from a local Catholic church league. I can’t imagine how Rice felt when he dropped an easy-looking 46 on the top-ranked Tar Heels, but still saw his team give up like 50 straight points to get blown out at home. “Hey, fellas … lil’ help?” Tyrelle Blair is as good a shot blocker as you’ll find and John Oates and Shamari Spears can shine at times, but coach Al Skinner was hit hard by attrition following last season and doesn’t have a squad that can compete on an every-day basis in a tourney setting. It’s a good thing for him that B.C. doesn’t matter in the Northeast, where everyone is busy crying for Belicheat and the Patsies and trying to get the rack wrinkle out of their BoSox jerseys. Also, Skinner should have a pretty clear offseason calendar, giving him plenty of time for his next trip to the dentist.

12. NC State
Figuratively (and perhaps literally), State dribbled this season off its foot, and Si-Lo’s red jacket won’t be enough to cover the stench of a lost season for the Pack. Just getting Courtney Fells and Brandon Costner to look like they care would be an upset victory for Lowe, but State’s highly suspect backcourt is a recipe for disaster in the ACC Tournament. Despite having the ability to play at a very high level for stretches, the Wolfpack is still a team without an identity, and this late in the season, that is a sad commentary. More troublesome is the fact that, when the going gets tough, the Pack collectively assumes the fetal position, rocking in the corner. Last year’s epic run to the ACC Tournament finals feels like 20 years ago, and the odds of a repeat performance are as long as Pac Man Jones’s police record. State has to win at least one game to even be eligible for the NIT … but most Wolfpack fans would just like a mercy killing to this year.

“The Technicians Are Taking Over From The Poets”

A colleague of mine recently shared this article by Adweek’s Mark Wnek, titled “Bad-Writing Syndrome Goes Viral.” It perfectly captures one of the dilemmas facing online presentation: timeliness vs. quality. As a writer, working for companies that preach to “just get the content up now, we’ll fix it later,” makes me cringe. As Wnek points out, that devaluing of the creative aspect of viral marketing is increasing, to the point where creativity is seen more as a necessary evil than as a vital part of the process:

“In the new-fangled new-media digital social-networking consumer-generated do-it-yourself universe that everyone seems so desperate to be seen to be espousing, great writing seems to be quite some way down the line of essentials … But in our business, the fundamentally gifted creators and judges, the people who simply know what is precisely terrific, seem to be out of style. Very much in style are ROI and proprietary tools and dashboards and black boxes and new media—none of which matter if the writing is garbage.”

Wnek uses the example of the “Fat Kids Are Harder To Kidnap” line to show that even the proliferation of trendy T-shirts results in only a couple of gems amidst a ton of charcoal.

So what’s the answer? If you’re a writer, you’re used to being underpaid and unheard anyway, so keep your head down, churn out that copy and ask no questions. If you’re a developer, try to remember that sometimes just a handful of finely place words can make more of an impact than even the zippiest of new Flash animations.

"I.F.H. Monday's" Says It All

Because extreme fajitas seem like a good idea after cleaning up unspeakable things at 3 a.m. on a Monday morning …

ACC Gives Refs Night Off In Cameron

Even small children in Zimbabwe were made aware that there was a fairly well publicized basketball game last night between UNC and Duke at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Apparently, they are rivals or something. That’s why ESPN changed its name to the Tar Devil Channel for about a week and gave Hubert Davis and Jay Bilas honorary degrees from Bristol University.

However, apparently the Zimbabwe kids forgot to pass the news of the big game on to ACC officials Teddy Valentine, Karl Hess and Roger Ayers. They were supposed to officiate the contest between the No. 1 Tar Heels and the No. 5 Blue Devils last night, but they could have passed for three employees at Foot Locker for all the effort they made. With the refs refusing to blow the whistle, the game turned into a prison-rules affair, marked by bodies flying all over the floor and more dogpiles than you would find behind the vet’s office after Leftover Chili night.

Tyler Hansbrough didn’t shoot a single free throw (neither did his twin brother, Will, for the record) and the menagerie of flops by both teams weren’t called, either. The result was a brutal battle that more closely resembled a rugby match than a basketball game, with only 28 total fouls called and 21 free throws shot. Not only did the contest not have any flow, but it went by remarkably quickly as a result of so few fouls, leaving ESPN in a panicked state, afraid that they didn’t get their money’s worth after a weeklong marathon of blowing both schools.

If Atlantic Coast Conference matchups were always officiated in the manner the game was last night, the conference would make more sense. Since the ACC is the only league in the land that rewards flopping, most games degenerate into players spending more time on the floor than on their feet, with an endless parade to the free-throw line. UNC and Duke unquestionably receive consistent preferential treatment from the officials, but they cancelled each other out last night.

But less troublesome than the way the contest was called last night was the unbelievable lack of consistency displayed. Consider that, in the first meeting between the two teams, on February 6 at the Nose Dome, the squads combined for 50 fouls and 57 free-throw attempts. The crew of Jamie Luckie, Tony Greene and Les Jones (Public Enemy #1 for Wolfpack Nation due to his gift-wrapping last week’s game for Duke at the RBC Center) sent Hansbrough to the line nine times. So are you telling me that, in the course of a month, both teams improved enough defensively to commit a whopping 22 less fouls, resulting in 36 fewer free throws?! The Heels aren’t known at all for their interior defense, but apparently they also practiced hard enough to jump from four blocks in the first meeting to 15 in the second. Dick Vitale and Speedo Guy (who may be the same person) were livid.

The conspiracy theorists are out in full force after this one, challenging the absurd way the game was called last evening compared to the first matchup, and asserting that the ACC and ESPN had a stake in assuring that the Heels won this matchup to create even heavier interest in a possible rubber match in the ACC Tournament. The winner in the conference tourney (if it is either Duke or UNC) not only gets bragging rights for the year, but receives the preposterous and ridiculous “reward” of gaining the No. 1 seed in the East, which carries with it the bonus of playing in Raleigh for the first two rounds and Charlotte for the next two. Essentially, this means that advancing to the Final Four would involve not having to travel farther than two hours from your bedroom. Because that’s “fair” in the NCAA’s eyes.

But the real loser last night was the pure basketball fan, who was promised a legendary battle for the ages — and given a 40-minute wrestling match with a basketball rolled out for fun. Somewhere in a small village in Zimbabwe, even little Dakarai is starting a “Bull Shit!” chant …

Limerick Friday LXXIII: Swayzemullet, Rodhamullet Rule Headlines

The news broke as the radio blared Foreigner
The announcer as grave as a funeral mourner
“’Roadhouse’ star is now fighting pancreatic cancer,” he said
“Needs help or in five weeks he’ll be dead”
But don’t count him out: nobody puts Patrick Swayze in a corner

Hillary’s finally caught her second wind
Easier when you spread lies by pressing “Send”
Accusing Obama of being a Muslim on the Board of Regents
And saying he refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance
Thought she was better than that; now on my vote she can’t depend

A lost season is finally winding to an end
For a Pack team that never found out how to defend
From bad chemistry to injuries every day
And Brandon Costner simply forgetting how to play
At least football season is right around the bend

A bombing in crowded Times Square
Gave New Yorkers a helluva scare
Turns out it was some jackass on a bike
Who decided the war he didn’t like
Me neither, but f’ing up the Big Apple sure ain’t fair

A big day for little big man G-Lo
Facing his first round of chemo
It was hard to leave him at the vet today
But he’s been a fighter all the way
Bodes well that today’s the b-day of Uncle Devo

Last time …

Piss Off Hillary; Take Back The Planet

Only the directionless Democratic party could F up an election that the GOP is basically trying to hand them on a silver platter, but they're making a run at it, thanks to petty, underhanded politics from Hillary Clinton. There are many who think the Democratic party would never recover if they somehow allowed the confused, brainwashed John McCain to win in '08.

In an effort to be sure we don't underestimate what an important moment we're now facing in American political history, consider the following a public service announcement. Enjoy ...

“Michael Clayton” Doesn’t Quite Reach Lofty Expectations

I plunked down in front of “Michael Clayton” with heightened anticipation, having been bombarded with nearly unanimous positive reviews of this Tony Gilroy-directed film. Armed with seven Academy Award nominations, this was lauded as one of the year’s very best movies, a dramatic sizzler that broke conventions in a big way. As the final credits rolled, I couldn’t argue with the assertion that the movie is good … but my biggest impression was closer to seeing yet another John Grisham flick in which Susan Sarandon was noticeably absent than witnessing a truly groundbreaking film.

Don’t get me wrong; I loved the premise of having a chief litigator go off the deep end due to a crisis of conscience in an incredibly important and controversial lawsuit. Tom Wilkinson was brilliant, in my opinion—more than worthy of his nomination for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. This was the first movie in which I’d seen a serious George Clooney act, and he was the ideal fit for the role of “fixer.” The flick was filled with dramatic and tension-filled moments, and the cinematography in some scenes was stunning; namely, the stark, black-and-white, early-dawn feel ascribed to Clayton’s meeting with the three horses, strikingly offset by the sudden explosion of his car in the background.

Tilda Swinton was certainly jarring in her role as a haunted representative of the company, U-North, that was doing its best to cover up its role in harming its clients. She appeared to move throughout the film as if in a dream, seemingly in disbelief at the choices he has had to make and the decisions she has arrived at—and what they could ultimately cost her. Yet it also felt as if she was barely in the movie, even though she took home Best Supporting Actress honors.

I felt that some of the details surrounding the actual case involving U-North and the four-day flashback were a tad confusing. Also, while the resolution seemed to come suddenly and abruptly, I suspect that was by design for Gilroy. However, the final scene leading into the credits seemed a little forced and melodramatic to me.

Ultimately, I wonder if I came in with expectations for “Michael Clayton” that were a little too high, based on the raves I got from film freaks I know and respect. While the movie has been hailed as a throwback to ‘70s films like “Network” and even “Chinatown,” I found myself considering it as something closer to “Insider.” Not that that is a bad thing at all, but I didn’t find myself getting the Oscar vibe while taking in this flick … even though that doesn’t take away from the enjoyment it inspires and the belief that it is a really good, strong film.

“School Days, I Had Class About Ass”

Above is a picture of Rashad McCants, unofficial poet laureate of the NBA. This moving photograph has captured the essence of McCants, alone, gathering his thoughts and searching for the perfect rhymes for his latest work (“Yo Sebastian! Does ‘gat’ rhyme with ‘crack’?”).

A friend alerted me to this burgeoning genius, and as an amateur limerickist, I simply had to check out his work for myself. You see, as part of his Web site, McCants is kind enough to share his “Writings from Rashad.” This is where you’ll find delicate, soulful, inspiring gems such as “Hustle and Cream.” To wit:

“We Dead inside just a hollow shell, our hearts are so cold look at dave chapelle,
evil is people with greed that shit green. How is there loyalty when friends is switch teams”

So true, Rashad. So motherfucking true.

Who knew that Rashad was as “sensitive” as that delicate flower, Duke’s J.J. Redick, who used to write stanzas that he would softly whisper in Dick Vitale’s ear in the early morning hours that lie just between discretion and passion. One can only dream of a spoken word smackoff between McCants and Redick, emceed by ESPN’s own Jay Bilas.

So here’s a slow clap for you, UNC (or as McCants has referred to it: "jail"), from me and Dave Chappelle. Your J school has produced yet another star (is another waiting in the wings in Quentin "Q Rhymes with 'Boo'" Thomas?). And Rashad even went so far as to get a tattoo of his Chapel Hill degree …

New Study Shows Midi-Chlorians Are Fattening; Plus, Don’t Talk Back To Darth Vader

After finding a Yoda bobblehead doll in San Francisco’s Chinatown, I had to embrace my inner R2-nerd. Hence, on Star Wars Monday, I give you the galaxy’s first fat, mildly retarded Jedi …



… plus a priceless recounting of the entire Star Wars plotline by a button-cute toddler over her morning Lucky Charms.