Halloween vs. Christmas: An Unofficial Comparison

Pushing aside the backburner issues of war, election stealing, North Korea, global warming and other bothersome matters, ABC News gets to the heart of everything with the riveting question, “Is Halloween the New Christmas?” Hmmm … I have to admit that I didn’t see that coming. But after further consideration, I present to you a 15-step comparison of Christmas and Halloween:

Christmas: Occasionally awkward religious overtones.
Halloween: Thinly veiled Satanic overtones.
Winner: Halloween

Christmas: Get to act like a kid.
Halloween: Get to act like a kid.
Winner: Push

Christmas: Excuse to get ripped on egg nog to get in the “spirit.”
Halloween: Excuse to smash pumpkins to get in the “spirit.”
Winner: Christmas

Christmas: Have to give creepy Salvation Army guy your change at Harris Teeter.
Halloween: People give you chocolate and such.
Winner: Halloween

Christmas: “Dressing up” constitutes wearing a Santa Claus hat and a horrific sweater with a deer or a snowman or snowflakes on it.
Halloween: “Dressing up” means wearing a Bush costume and everyone knowing you came as the antichrist.
Winner: Halloween

Christmas: Good family bonding time in a comfortable setting.
Halloween: Pushy strangers with snot-nosed kids knocking on your door.
Winner: Christmas

Christmas: Giving gifts makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Halloween: Shotgunning Hershey’s kisses makes you feel all cold and gurgling inside.
Winner: Surprisingly, Halloween

Christmas: The one time of year that you give in to mom and go to church.
Halloween: The one time of year you feel justified in whipping raw eggs at passing cars on “Mischief Night.”
Winner: Halloween

Christmas: “Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.”
Halloween: “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”
Winner: Christmas

Christmas: Kissing under the mistletoe.
Halloween: Drunkenly making out with a chubby chick just because she dressed up as Paris Hilton.
Winner: Christmas

Christmas: Making a snowman.
Halloween: Putting witches and cobwebs and shit all over.
Winner: Halloween

Christmas: Turkey dinner, football, fall asleep.
Halloween: Sugar rush, dry heave, pass out.
Winner: Christmas

Christmas: Decorate your cubicle, maybe wear an elf hat.
Halloween: Come to work in costume, have everyone awkwardly tell you how “great” it is and then sit around the rest of the day wondering what the christ you have done.
Winner: Christmas

Christmas: The North Pole.
Halloween: ‘Salem’s Lot/Chapel Hill.
Winner: Christmas

Christmas: Marco and Etoria trying to find a common language in putting up a Christmas tree.
Halloween: Ken Magee dressed up as Donald Trump.
Winner: We all win—and lose.

So there you have it: Christmas in a nailbiter, seven to six (with two ties). In the event of a tie, I was willing to go with Halloween based solely on Brandow’s horrific-yet-I-cannot-look-away Devil’s Tramping Ground video.

Happy Halloween to the merry band of disturbing limerickists!