Tattoos are now trendy. I’m sure pirates and convicts are quite flattered. But that also means that number of stupid tattoos is now reaching epic proportions. Here are some things you might consider before you voluntarily mutilate yourself:
1. Have something specific in mind before you get there. Don’t go in and look at something on the wall and say, “That’s pretty neat. I wonder how it would look forever on my body.”
2. Get something that goes with your body.
Fat.
Tramp stamp.
I think you know where I am going with this.
3. Don’t get a flower or a butterfly. This is not original.
4. Make sure the artist sees the same vision. It is not their job to read your mind. Don’t say, “A landscape would be cool” and then be pissed off when the skyline of downtown Baghdad appears on your chest. You’ll be staring at this thing in the mirror for the foreseeable future, so make sure it’s something you actually like and has meaning to you.
5. Plan for the future—and gravity. Will you proud of this tattoo when you are 73 and you are sort of droopy all over and the shape of this art has not been helped by these occurrences?
6. Don’t get a Chinese symbol that you don’t know the meaning of off the top of your head.
7. A sun? Really? You’re going with that?
8. Don’t get a person’s name unless you are honoring someone. This rules out “I love x” or “Will you marry me?” tattoos. If she refuses to marry you or the divorce goes through, what then? Are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to date people with that name? Even if she says yes, what then? That doesn’t make a “cute” story at cocktail parties … it makes people leave early and blame the babysitter’s curfew.
9. Don’t complain about how much it hurts. They like to think you know that needles are involved before you plunk down your money.
10. Be prepared to pay. Like anything else in life, the best things are the most expensive. Permanent artwork on a body part is not something you are looking for a bargain on, is it? Skip a couple of meals instead of hitting up Dirty Hector’s Loco Tacquerio Hut, Bait Shop and Tattoo Parlor.
11. Sleeves seem really dumb. I guess I could be convinced otherwise by a compelling argument. I’m also guessing I have nothing to worry about in that department.
12. Unless you are in a motorcycle gang or have killed someone, skulls or daggers are out. If you’re a computer analyst, a bad-ass tattoo won’t convince people that you are “hard” or that Bruegger’s is your “turf.”
13. Don’t get a logo. Do you really want to be someone’s billboard for no reason? What does a Nike tattoo convey to the world—that you dig sneakers a lot? I’m thinking you have a better message about yourself that you’d like to get out there.
14. Don’t get gang tattoos. This is akin to flashing gang signs while you’re patrolling the food court at Crabtree. No one’s buying it and you really shouldn’t be selling it.
15. Nothing on the face or neck. The “you’re the new Mike Tyson” or “you’re a white Alan Iverson” jokes will get old toot-sweet.
Just a few simple rules for you to consider before you head to Wendell and have a tattoo of a girl’s name in a heart tattooed on your neck for $29.99. Because not only will your neck hurt, your Adam's apple get infected and the girl will think you’re a stalker … but you’ll be made fun of unmercifully for the rest of your life.
And deservedly so.
2 comments:
This is the kind of post that could've only been prompted by a visit to the NC State Fair. It's a tattoo zoo out there.
Good call. Not just tattoos, either ... I think I can write a blog every day on "15 Ways to Avoid an Embarrassing" and then just fill in the blank from something I saw at the fair. Good times, tho!
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