Friday, November 16, 2007

Limerick Friday LXII: Bonds Jailed; Head Assigned Separate Cell



Your head is bigger than that of a sperm whale
Took so many steroids that you began to grow a tail
You lied and you lied and we said, “Tsk, tsk”
Everything you’ve done comes with an asterisk
Hey Barry, you might want to bring that bat with you to jail

There once was a rookie named J.J.
Everyone thought he’d turn out OK
Then he scored 31, which is a lot
And he did it without missing a shot
Could you please get us a title before you go to the NBA?

I have a pet peeve that makes my head ache
And I’m not sure how much more I can take
It’s when people walk on the hall’s left side
And with me they almost always collide
It works like the rules of the road, for christ’s sake!

They say Beck throws a spiral like a frozen rope
And now Ricky Williams is back from smoking dope
This Dolphins season is in the back of a hearse
At 0-9, it certainly can’t get much worse
But at least with some new blood, there’s a reason to hope

Edwards says Hillary can’t be trusted
Obama says her waffling must be busted
The Democrats take aim at each other
Clinton fights back like a bad mother
I don’t care as long as the Republican gets dusted

Against Arizona, a tough break for the Ducks
When Dennis Dixon got hurt, they said, “Aw, shucks”
They turned to the second-string quarterback for relief
Then gave up when they saw his name was Leaf
“Ryan’s brother is our backup?! Oh, what the fucks!”

Last time ...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Oh, What the Heck — Give It To Beck ...



Beck sang songs like “Loser” and “Totally Confused.” Was he talking about the Dolphins’ Cam Cameron? Beck also sang “He’s a Mighty Good Leader,” and Miami coach now has to hope that the musician’s namesake, rookie quarterback John Beck, represents that for the 0-9 ‘Fins.

At least one game too late, Cameron finally pulled the trigger and pegged rookie John Beck to take over the Miami offense. So what’s next for Beck? Back-to-back road games in hostile Philadelphia and in Pittsburgh against the NFL’s No. 1 defense. Thanks, coach.

For no apparent reason, Cameron elected to stick with Band-Aid Cleo Lemon — and by “Band-Aid,” I mean “not a Band-Aid at all” — against Buffalo in Miami, following the Dolphins bye. The situation screamed for Beck, a winnable home game after giving him two full weeks to prepare as the starter. Making the decision even worse, Cameron later said that Beck was the signal-caller “most prepared to play, even against Buffalo.” When he realized that he had openly admitted that he played the wrong quarterback against the Bills, he reversed field and said, “He wasn’t quite ready in my view.” You can almost hear the stuttering from here.

Getting the “honor” of piloting this Dolphins attack is a little like earning the promotion of engineer to a train wreck. Though Beck gives Dolfans hope, Miami has thrown in the towel on the campaign, trading away one of the few weapons in Chris Chambers in an effort to force-feed dubious first-rounder Ned Ginn, Jr. Tailback Ronnie Brown was lost for the year during his breakout season, though the ‘Fins could get Ricky Williams back. No matter what happens, Cameron has to hope that his young signal-caller doesn’t feel like he has to “Go It Alone” (another Beck song).

The defense that is charged with bailing Beck out of tough situations features star linebacker Zach Thomas, who has missed two games after being in a car accident – the same year he missed a few others with a concussion. Plus, ‘Fins fans just got a thumbs-up report that a rookie defensive end had successful surgery – on BOTH knees. As a bonus, Miami has started five different strong safeties this year.

What does Beck have going for him? As the 40th overall pick, he represented the third-highest pick Miami has spent on a quarterback in the past 30 years for the Dolphins. The other two – Hall of Famers Bob Griese and Dan Marino – turned out all right. Unlike former ‘Fins quarterbacks, he isn’t Hebrew, his ears and nose appear to be normal-sized, and he isn’t named Sage, Cleo or Gus.

He’ll be the 12th quarterback to start for the Dolphins since Dandy Dan Marino retired in 1999 (I don’t have the stomach to name them all here; if you’re a masochist, there’s a list here). At 26 years old, he’s theoretically mature and poised enough to handle the difficult road environments and the pressure that comes with finally trying to live up to the cleat marks left by legendary No. 13.

With the Dolphins likely plummeting toward the top overall pick, Cameron and general manager Randy Mueller simply have to find out what they have in Beck. If he doesn’t appear to be the answer, the franchise will have to look hard at standabout quarterbacks like Boston College’s Matt Ryan or Louisville’s Brian Brohm or Kentucky’s Andre’ Woodson in April's draft. Plus, as a previously mentioned 26-year-old, the clock is ticking with Beck; if he doesn’t show signs that he can be “the guy,” he likely isn’t going to develop into one before the end of his career.

If Beck chokes or falls flat on his face, it’s going to be even more demoralizing for Miami fans. After all, Beck also sang “I Feel Like A Piece of Shit” … which more and more has the sound of the Dolphins theme song for 2007.



EDITOR’S NOTE: The opening photo is courtesy of FamousMormons.net. Seriously.

... It Ain’t Tricky – Bring Back Ricky



“We’re 0-9 … I don’t care who you get. If you get bin Laden and he could run the ball like Ricky, I’d do anything for a victory.”

That’s a quote from Miami linebacker Joey Porter. After Dolphins coach Cam Cameron had asked the entire team not to comment on the Ricky Williams situation. But I guess when you’re making like $4 million per sack, you can say whatever you want.

Anyway, Porter echoes the sentiment reflected all across the ‘Fins locker room. Williams is a five-time loser in the NFL’s substance-abuse program, though he didn’t test positive for marijuana last time, when it cost him an 18-month absence from the game. He had been taking dietary supplements in conjunction with his intense immersion into yoga, and they registered as a banned substance for the NFL, which refused to hear his appeal and banished him once again. Fair enough. When you’ve dropped the ball (or the bong) as many times as Ricky has, it’s understandable when you don’t get the benefit of the doubt.

But now he’s back. After spending the past five months in Boston treatment center seeking psychological counseling, Williams was reinstated by the NFL yesterday and will meet with Cameron and team officials today.

Agent Leigh Steinberg said Ricky has been waiting to hear his fate on “pins and needles” – wrong choice of words there, Leigh. Pro Bowl defensive end Jason Taylor met with Cameron to discuss the Williams matter, then refused to discuss the content of the meeting. If he was there to voice his concerns or his disagreement with bringing Williams back aboard, the Hypocrite Train has room left for plenty more. Taylor has had enough bad publicity over the past few years over domestic issues to understand that there is more to the Williams story than meets the eye.

The best-case scenario for the Dolphins involves Ricky reporting to the team in game shape at 230 pounds – as has been reported – then debuting against Pittsburgh on Monday Night Football on November 26 and helping this team find some way, any way to win a ballgame. With Ronnie Brown out for the year and backup Jesse Chatman dealing with a bunch of nicks and scrapes, if Williams could come anywhere near the bulldozing force he was even a coupla years ago, he could really provide a needed boost of energy and attitude. Then Miami could keep Williams and his cap-friendly contract next year to provide relief for Brown or insurance in case Brown doesn’t return to form as quickly as hoped, or they could trade him in the offseason after proving and boosting his worth down the stretch of this season.

The worst-case scenario is that Williams still struggles with his social anxiety disorder and proves to be a distraction for the Dolphins and rookie quarterback John Beck – the pairing of Williams and Beck, who went to BYU, has already been dubbed “Marley Meets Mormon” by one Miami beat writer. Williams could fail another drug test and earn a lifetime ban.

It’s a justifiable risk-reward scenario for Miami and Cameron. Williams’s work ethic has never been questioned, and the Dolphins basically have nothing to lose at this point. He’s well-liked in the locker room, and if he has truly received the help he needs to deal with his social anxiety disorder and related use of pot to dull the effects of it, he deserves the chance to prove that with the Dolphins.

I’m not ready to dust off my No. 34 ‘Fins jersey just yet, but it’s easy to pull for Ricky the person. In a lost season, he could give Dolfans something to believe in, on and off the field.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

B-Deuce Has Got Your Goat

So ... what’s M.I.A. Brenty Brandow been up to of late, you ask? Raising children the by-god right and proper way. That’s what.


RAM PINATA from JBOOTY on Vimeo.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Shula Said What Everyone Else Is Afraid To Say



“The Spygate thing has diminished what (the Patriots) have accomplished.”

That’s what Don Shula was quote as saying to the New York Daily News. If you’re a knowledgeable football fan, the only response you could possibly have to such a statement is, “Yeah, that’s true.”

So why is Shula getting blasted by everyone from the San Francisco Chronicle to USA Today? Because he said what everyone else is thinking, but is afraid to voice. He compared the Patsies’ spying scandal to Barry Bonds breaking Major League Baseball’s treasured home run record, wondering if an asterisk should be applied to either. He never once said that the record should have an asterisk, as has been widely attributed to him.

Apparently, every talking head on ESPN can talk about whether Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame, how his record should be recognized by the league, whether an asterisk needs to be placed alongside his name and whether Cooperstown has a room big enough to fit his steroids-inflated head. But question a borderline sociopath like Bill Belichick – after he has been caught cheating! – and all of a sudden you’re a washed-up, grumpy old man.

Here are the facts in this story: Shula is the winningest coach in the NFL, boasting 347 career victories. He’s recognized as one of the innovators of the game. He served on the NFL’s competition committee for 21 years. The Patriots are 9-0. They were caught cheating and punished by the NFL after the first game of the season. They had their No. 1 draft choice taken away and the owner was fined $250,000. Belichick was fined half a million dollars. The league destroyed the tapes that caught New England in the act of cheating.

Shula did not go chasing this story; he was asked a question about the possibility of the Patriots going 19-0 and asked whether the cheating situation earlier in the year would blemish such an achievement. He answered honestly, as he always has. While commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL would love to sweep the whole pesky cheating thing under the same rug that hides the way it treats its former players, the reality is that they won’t be able to hide the facts of the Patsies’ transgression. Hell, even in April, during the NFL Draft, the ESPN scroll will come to New England’s pick at No. 32 and it will have to read: “New England, No. 32 (forfeited – cheating).”

How will Bill Simmons explain that to his son someday?

SportsBoyWhoGetsBeatUpALot: Wow, Dad, New England had a great team in 2007!
SportsGay: You bet, son. That’s the year I tried to have sex with Kevin Garnett.
SBWGBUAL: I read some of your 6,409 articles about that year, Dad. It sounds like they did an amazing job of drafting and trading a fourth-rounder for Randy Moss!
SG: No kidding. Back then, they couldn’t do any wrong. Everyone they picked in the draft became a real impact player for them. Belichick certainly had an eye for talent. And a great fashion sense as well.
SBWGBUAL: Really? Man, that must have been something. Who did they pick in the first round after they won the Super Bowl? A speedy running back as insurance against Maroney’s injuries? Another hard-hitting linebacker since Bruschi and Vrabel were getting older?
SG: Oh … first round? They, uh, they didn’t have a first-rounder that year.
SBWGBUAL: What? But they only gave up a fourth-rounder for Moss … who did they get if they traded the first-rounder?
SG: Well, they didn’t technically trade it. Well, they sort of traded it to the commissioner as a cover-up for … listen, son, we don’t really talk about this.
SBWGBUAL: I don’t get it, Dad. The commissioner?
SG: Well, they got caught cheating that year.
SBWGBUAL: Cheating?!
SG: Well, it’s complicated. I blame Rick Pitino.
SBWGBUAL: Why didn’t you tell me, Dad?! Cheating? But you gave me one of Tom Brady’s old cups for Christmas last year! Those guys were cheating?!
SG: I didn’t think you were ready to hear it. It’s all untrue, I swear!
SBWGBUAL: You’re not my father!
SG: I always thought you did look a lot more like Jimmy Kimmel than me …

Everyone in the media is quick to gloss over the cheating, but when LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the most standup guys in the game, laughs, shakes his head and says everyone knows the Patriots are cheaters, that can’t be forgotten. When other coaches bring up anecdotes about how their headsets mysteriously stopped working at crucial times in New England, that can’t be swept aside.

And why do you think the NFL quietly destroyed the incriminating tapes, without reason? Because they didn’t want nosy media types replaying the tapes over and over during the two-week buildup to the Super Bowl, highlighting the league’s “model” franchise as dogged and repeat cheaters. The NFL doesn’t want anyone to know just how deep the cheating goes, and they don’t want to give the same “journalists” who blow Belicheat and Brady on-air 24/7 any more ammunition to go digging for anything more.

As Greg Cote of the Miami Herald wrote, Shula was not only fair to question the Patsies – but he was right. He just has more stones than the media that wants to glorify cheaters and the NFL that wants to protect its ratings by propping up one of its more marketable teams.

Shame on Shula? Horseshit. Shame on Goodell. Shame on the NFL. And shame on the “men” that are paid to cover it.

Monday, November 12, 2007

State 31, UNC 27

Hi.Freaking.Larious.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Limerick Friday LXI: Go To Hell, Carolina



It’s State-UNC once again
Tough seasons for both coming in
Questions about Butch’s future in blue
So much Arkansas money, what will he do?
Oh well, may the best (non-gay blue) team win

Misguided W tried yet another veto
Congress overrode and told him just where to go
He’d rather keep funding the disaster in Iraq
Then spend to help bring New Orleans back
He’s spreading the bullshit instead of helping the water flow

Once again, Tom Cruise got dissed
He had a dinner and co-stars were missed
Robert Redford has had enough Scientology
Meryl Streep not a fan of his acting methodology
Put Cruise and Katie Holmes on the “crazy eyes” list

It’s California vs. the EPA
The Governator wants clean air today
Limiting emissions will get Hummers off the street
Making Hollywood jackasses drive hybrids is no easy feat
Good for Arnold—our lazy government needs to pay

George Clooney and freaking Fabio?
Shoving each other in clothes made for disco?
Fabio said “Pass the butter, not Parkay!”
Clooney said “I love Matt Damon, and that’s OK!”
When Fabio drove off, everyone said, “I can’t believe that’s a Geo”

Last time ...

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

"I'm A Man! You're A Donut Bumper!" Revisited

So you probably remember this unforgettable tirade by Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy from a coupla months back.

Well, Coach Gundy "Rhymes with Ted Bundy" is back. And this time he's pissed at the weather. I mean, isn't it always partly cloudy? Am I right, people!

I'm 40!

SiLo Getting Pack Geared Up For Regular Season



I was able to cover NC State’s exhibition victories over Barton College and UNC-Pembroke for Pack Pride, and I came away even more optimistic about the Wolfpack’s chances this year. Apparently, ESPN.com’s Pat Forde feels the same way. In this well-researched article, he ranks State as the #10 team in the land.

In the same piece, he mentions the ACC as the #3 conference in the country, former Pack star Dereck Whittenburg as the #1 coach doing an underrated job and the state of North Carolina as #4 in the top five general fan bases in the nation.

It’s also interesting to note (nod to broadcaster Vin Scully for the turn of phrase) that UNC is #4 on the list of teams trying to forget how last year ended, while Travelin’ Tyler Hansbrough is considered the top guy to boo in the country. No truth to the rumor that his will was ranked #2.

As for the Pack, the question that will be asked for the next five months certainly won’t be answered after two exhibition games: is there a point guard on the roster that can steer the ship? Transfer Farnold Degand is as quick as advertised, but he didn’t knock down a perimeter shot in the first two exhibitions and didn’t show much of an inability to penetrate zone defenses. He passed up a few open looks, but did show that his greatest strength might be his stifling defense.

The best news for State on the evening might have been freshman Javy Gonzalez taking part in the shootaround prior to the game, a smaller cast on the thumb he broke a couple of months ago. A combination of Degand, Gonzalez and even transfer Marques Johnson, who will be eligible after the fall semester, should work together to give NC State enough firepower at the point guard spot to challenge for the top of the ACC — because all the other pieces are in place.

P.S. Apparently, Ohio State lost to Findlay last night in an exhibition game, 70-68. No, not the national team from Finland -- Findlay. A Division II team. For comparison's sake, NC State beat the Division II defending champions ... by 37 points. Of course, Buckeye Fan will tell you that only football matters in C-Bus -- well, except for last year, when they went to the title game. Oh well. At least it gives me an opportunity to revisit the greatest Ohio State video tribute of all time.

Photo courtesy of Jeff Reeves of Pack Pride …

Monday, November 05, 2007

What Happened While Tedy Bruschi Tied His Cleats



That dude above broke one of the most significant NFL records of all-time yesterday. But you probably didn’t hear about it because he wasn’t playing in the game of the millennium. And you probably don’t know who he is because he hasn’t been caught cheating, doing ‘roids, shooting up strip clubs or impregnating supermodels.

Adrian Peterson, aka "Purple Jesus," ran for 296 yards yesterday, breaking the record of 295 yards previously held by Jamal Lewis. Adrian Peterson ran for 253 of those yards in the freaking second half alone. Adrian Peterson also became the first rookie in the history of the game to rush for more than 200 yards in a single game twice in one season. Yes, you read that right — Adrian Peterson is a rookie.

Granted, football isn’t a stats-driven sport like baseball. But I find it odd and insulting that no one found this accomplishment worthy enough to break into the Colts-Patriots game to mention it. I mean, Peterson broke one of the most prestigious single-game records in the game. Did we really need another shot of Bill Belicheat frowning or Tom Brady rubbing his chin butt or Peyton Manning massaging his horse neck instead? After all the hype surrounding “Super Bowl 41 and a Half,” you would have thought that the sheer amount of air generated by the amazing spirals tossed by Brady and Manning would have put out wildfires in San Diego or evaporated floodwaters in Haiti. But actually, all we learned was that it was only a game between two really good teams — and that Jim Nance wants to have sex with Tom Brady while Phil Simms watches with a Natty Light in his hand.

So I apologize on behalf of the football world, Adrian Peterson. Good on you. I’m just sorry that no one noticed the best story of the day -- during the most overhyped game of all time.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Limerick Friday LX: Coke, Candidates, Casting and Copywriting



The Swiss Miss has taken her racket and run
Tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon
We thought she was just promoting Coke
But doing lines instead of just taking a toke?
Hon, the “I never took drugs” defense ain’t a winning one

Would you vote for Stephen Colbert?
As Prez, he’d bring a humorous air
Everyone’s scared that he’d do better
Than that illiterate, alcoholic Daddy debtor
Four more Republican years, none of us can bear

Do you pull for Peyton Manning, that tool?
Do you root for Belichick, who cheats like a fool?
They’re calling it Super Bowl 41 and a half
Marketing so out of control you have to laugh
I think I’d rather watch a girl drop a grumpy in a pool

Barack drops by Durham to make things clear
But he’ll have a tough time getting votes here
Especially when he won’t talk to the press
Even to clear up his related-to-Cheney mess
Yo Obama, don’t fall for it when Dick asks you to go hunting deer

Writers’ strike threatening Hollywood
If anyone could fill in, I could
I’ll be a scab and everything will be fine
I’ll script “Grey’s Anatomy” when I cross the picket line
“Mr. Vogelsberg, the network says Izzy topless doing surgery isn’t good”

Last time ...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Stop The Zombies -- Bomb Iran!

Our dazed and confused leader goes nucular on the latest threat to our national security ...

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Reason #6,211 Not To Wear A Costume To Work

Really? So you dressed up as a Hershey's Kiss this year? That's really life-like. So ... do you have any meetings today? Or are you cool with sitting in your cubicle all day in an enormous stuffed-Styrofoam-aluminum-foil encasing?

*sigh*

Happy Halloween, folks ...

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Limitless Paper In A Paperless World



As if “The Office” needed more help marketing itself as the funniest show on television, the franchise created a new promotional vehicle that has taken off like a rocket. On Friday mornings, many workplaces grind to a halt as employees discuss the previous night’s episode … hell, like on “The Office,” a guy at my company had his mouse put in Jello on his last day. Now, work is affected even moreso by the show’s introduction of Dunder-Mifflin Infinity.

The site has suffered from some bugs here and there, but I think it’s vast popularity was underrated by the folks at NBC. The basic concept is that you get to work at a Dunder-Mifflin satellite office and earn ShruteBucks so you can decorate your cubicle and move up the corporate ladder. Here’s what my cubicle looks like thus far:



Every week, you’re assigned a task that correlates to something that went on in the previous week’s episode. For example, last week you were supposed to create a Dunder-Mifflin commercial similar to the one aired on the show (above). Another task was to create a review for Shrute Farms, Dwight’s new agrotourism venture. Here’s what I came up with:

“When my wife suggested that we use our hard-earned vacation time to head to the Keystone State to stare at beets, I responded as I usually do: I calmly excused myself, went to my study to quietly weep, then began surfing MySpace Lindsay Lohan chatrooms. Little did I know I’d be in for one of the most remarkable and borderline disturbing experiences of my life.

“Upon arriving at Schrute Farms, the #1-beet-related agrotourism vacation spot in the world, I observed the proprietor, Dwight Schrute, doing donuts in the middle of a cornfield in a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am. As he later led us around on a tour of the facility, I saw a youngish fellow with an Amish-type beard lying in the fetal position in a closet, rocking back and forth and uttering gibberish. Dwight introduced him as his cousin, famed writer Mose Schrute, author of “SELL THIS: How to literally kill the competition.” According to Dwight, it was the No. 1-ranked sales/horror book on TheNile.com. When I asked him if he meant Amazon, he just gave me a funny look and said, “Of course not.”

“After being assigned to the Irrigation room, my wife and I had trouble finding a working bathroom. I mean, there was a bathroom … but in lieu of an actual toilet, there was just a life-sized statue of someone named Michael Scott. Weird. Anyway, when I found Dwight to inquire about where to use the bathroom, he sighed heavily, paused his XBox Battlestar Galactica game and pointed out the window at an outhouse. I found this touch simultaneously quaint and puzzling.

“The following day, Dwight and Mose treated us to a hearty brunch of beet omelets and beet juice. After a stunningly complete and thorough description of how the Schrutes had gained control of their land (Editor’s Note: this story is like a mix of Deliverance, Lord of the Rings and The Hills Have Eyes. Don’t ask), we returned to the main house for a dinner of beet loaf, mashed potatoes, beets and beet cider, finished off with beet pie. Dwight then kindly informed us that we would then be treated to a double feature Movie Night. When I realized that this was comprised of back-to-back showings of “The Crow,” I asked if he meant “The Crow” and “The Crow 2.” He scoffed, called me a fool and barked a no. Mose spent the whole time staring at my wife and muttering under his breath.

“The following morning, we had a light breakfast of Count Chocula cereal … with beets. Dwight announced that we would be participating in a beet-collecting challenge, noting that the winner would receive a “completely awesome” prize. When we went outside after breakfast to learn more about this competition, we noticed Dwight in his car, head-banging to “Wild Side” by Motley Crue and holding the steering wheel in a death grip. During the beet hunt, a pumped-up Dwight dealt my wife a nasty elbow to the neck when she got too close to one of his finds, but she still managed to edge us all out and win. As she put ice on her bruised neck (she mentioned she saw a dead cat in the freezer while getting the ice; Dwight simply informed her that he trying to teach himself taxidermy), Dwight begrudgingly proclaimed her the victor and presented her with a World Anime Expo 2002 T-shirt.

“When it was time for us to leave, Dwight began crying again, patted my wife on the head and put me in a bear hug. Mose returned with our car, licked my wife’s arm, slapped my left cheek and tore off into the woods. After I got in and started driving down the dirt road to leave, Dwight began pelting our car with eggs and screaming, “Come again! Schrute Farms will always remember you!” Mose then emerged from the east woods, shrieking and sprinting alongside our car until he saw a squirrel and veered off in hot pursuit.

“Anyway, I completely recommend Schrute Farms to anyone who has a fascination with beets and a morbid curiosity about the degeneration of the nuclear family. I promise you won’t be bored—you’ll be alternately scared, thrilled, mortified, confused, entertained, informed and panicked!”

So sign up, find a good branch, earn SchruteBucks … and avoid work. Giddyup.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Oliver Stone Has To Be Behind This ...


"The Doors" + "JFK" + Making Stuff Up Out of Thin Air = Oliver Stone's latest movie? Here's a picture that only an irrelevant, failed director could love.

Happy Monday ...

Friday, October 26, 2007

Limerick Friday LVIV: My Chin, My Chin … My Kingdom For A Chin



Former coworkers trying to find new homes
Now Chinless is on board where mini-Shrek roams
It’s turning into quite a bold bunch
Even get knishes for free at lunch
Unfortunately, you get paid in Travelocity gnomes

Bill Simmons is just a complete homer dildo
Or am I telling you something that you already did know
The Sports Guy used to be amusing, slightly
Now he’s a sellout who repeats his jokes nightly
Dreaming of a Tom Brady-Larry Bird sandwich makes his boy parts grow

The Pack journeyed to forsaken Greenville
Dominated in that glorified landfill
They crushed a roster of non-qualifiers
Turned Skip Holtz into one more of their whiny criers
In basketball season, they become fans of UNC-Chapel Hill

The year’s over for breakout Ronnie Brown
The only one who cared in all of Miami town
He was running like someone was after his soul
Was headed for his first-ever Pro Bowl
Now all hope is lost for the worst team around

Apparently, Dumbledore is now out of the closet
Had a spell in his pocket for Harry and any ol’ hobbit
People ask, “Was he a queer, too, Harry Potter?”
Fresh rumors for the message board fodder
Literace broke the news, posting under Neal N. Bobbitt

Last time ...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

"We Love You, Woody. We Still Remember."

I honestly thought this was a joke at first, but apparently it is "real." You can't make a better parody of Ohio State fans ... even if you were actually trying to make a parody. Here's a team that plays eight straight home games against PCU, Akron, Southeastern Idaho, West Akron, Missouri Tech, Bowling Gray, Faber College and Akron Institute of the Musically Blind, rides the wave of Big 10 favoritism to the top of the charts, then gets bitched when they play an SEC team. That's when they say, "If we played Florida 10 times, we'd beat them nine. So this just happened to be the one time that they would beat us. By 30." It all contributes to my theory that Ohio only produces bandwagoners, highway snipers and creepy middle-aged guys who wear too-tight shirts and hang out in strip clubs during the day.

So in honor of those Buckeyes fans, here's something to watch to pass the time before tonights Boston College-Virginia Tech tilt ...

"I am a Buckeye fan. I love the sports, the school and the marching band." Priceless.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fist Pounds + “New Direction” = Update Your Resume


So, a coworker offered me a fist pound the other day. Just walking past each other in the hall. Here I am, minding my business and filing another TPS report, and this guy rolls past with a nod and an extended fist. With a sigh, I knuckled up and reciprocated the pound, muttering “Damn Ohioans.”

You can forgive my detestation of this annoying social nuance. Based on past experience as a rower on a sinking ship, fist pounds, fake golf swings and disco balls bring up bad connotations. Hell, the last time I saw someone riding a scooter, I was suddenly struck by the taste of stale chicken fingers in my mouth. It was crazy.

Back to fist pounds. I can’t prove it yet, but I believe that when your employees start going around randomly hitting each other’s fists, your company is 74.6% more likely to go out of business within nine months. I have to crunch the numbers a little more, but I swear to christ it’s a fact.

Do we really need Bud Light to tell us that fist pounds have jumped the shark? I mean, I wanted to return the extended knuckles with a resounding bitch slap myself. In fact, there’s a subculture analyzing the fist pound phenomenon, including Uncyclopedia. Check out the section under “Acceptable Pounds Situations” in particular. EDITOR’S NOTE: There aren’t any. Especially at freaking work. “Damn, you really collated the shit out of that report. Knuckle up, dog!” Really? I mean … really?

These clowns, calling themselves the “Pound Club,” have dedicated an entire site to the fist pound. They even take a look at some variations of the fist pounds. Personal favorite? The “Ezra Pound”:

“Execute an exploding pound while reciting Pound’s poem ‘Salutation.’” You can’t make this shit up.

As if that weren’t enough, they came up with an accompanying video, placed below for your viewing pleasure. And friends, let me tell you that there are few things funnier than having Asians and barristos gyrating wildly and making homoerotic motions toward each other in the basement of a Kinko’s. Good times.

So I’ll be spending my workdays trying to avoid having to hit my hand against someone else’s hand for any reason, and feeling uneasy about the company's future prospects. And if I see someone lining up a pretend 70-yard shot with a pretend wedge to a pretend green near the goddam breakroom, I’ll be cranking out resumes toot-sweet … because layoffs are sure to be coming around the corner.

Good On The Pack

Amid squeals that EZU could win some kind of mythical "state championship" -- remember, these are not rocket scientists in Greenville; or even students, really -- and squeals for more Ned Beatty-like reasons, NC State went into hog country and pounded the Pirates by two touchdowns, 34-20. And just for the record, it's a long-awaited win for the Wolfpack ... but a victory over a four-year junior college haven for those who can't get into real schools doesn't constitute a rivalry -- and never will.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Big Ben: The Time Is Now For Pack Hoops



After a rookie season that saw him see scant action, Ben McCauley entered his sophomore campaign as an afterthought. He left is as one of the ACC’s biggest surprises.

McCauley earned honorable-mention all-conference recognition after finishing 15th in the conference in scoring (14.4 points per game) and ninth in rebounding (6.9 boards per contest). He also finished second in the league in field-goal percentage, with his .584 (211-361) representing the second-highest single-season mark in NC State history.

McCauley’s scoring increase of 12.3 points per game from his rookie season was the second-highest increase among ACC players. He notched six 20-point games, tied a school record with 36 starts on the year, finished with the third-most minutes played (1,234) in school annals and wound up fifth in the league in minutes per game (34.53). Capping his campaign in style, he earned second-team All-CC Tournament honors after shooting 66.7 percent (20-30) in the tourney, then posted two double-doubles in the Wolfpack’s three NIT contests. If that wasn’t enough, he was named to the Academic All-ACC squad for the second straight year for good measure.

Finishing second on the team in rebounding, steals (36) and minutes; third in scoring; and tied for third in blocks (22) demonstrated McCauley’s extreme value to the Pack. However, perhaps one of the most surprising aspects of the big man’s emergence was his development into a stellar passer out of the post—he ended up second on the squad in assists with 115.

On the eve of the start of basketball practice at State, McCauley took some time to talk with me for a story for Pack Pride. Here are some quotes that didn’t make it into the feature article:

Me: What’s the anticipation around the team as the start of hoops practice quickly approaches?

McCauley: “It’s so close I can taste it. Practice is right around the corner, literally; tomorrow is the first day and everyone is looking forward to it. It’s a good time of the year.”

Me: What were your expectations of yourself when you came from Yough High School in Pennsylvania to the Atlantic Coast Conference?

McCauley: “You hear from this and that, this person and that person, that only a certain amount of people make it to the NBA out of college, and obviously that puts you back a little bit. Because you think, ‘All right, I’ve got a little window here I’ve got to work with. But if I work my butt off, maybe I can get in that little window.’

“But coming out of high school, I didn’t really know what to expect, to tell you the truth. I was just taking it with open arms and just running with it. You can control your future; as hard as you work, it’s up to you. You hear this all the time: ‘Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do,’ and I think that’s one of the … truest statements ever. If you know you can do something and you feel like you can do something, who’s stopping you, really?”

Me: Last year, you and the rest of the Wolfpack starters were playing 35 to 40 minutes per game. What will it mean to have a lot more help this year, with three transfers and three freshmen coming in?

McCauley: “I think we’ll be in a lot more games toward the end of the game, because we’ll be fresh. But at the same time, like [teammate] Gavin [Grant] said, no one wants to come out of the game—but that’s being part of a team. You’re going to have players, you need the rest. You can’t play all the time; obviously, we did last year because we had to. There were a couple of games where we didn’t think we were tired, but we probably really were tired. And I think that will go away this year because we do have a lot of bodies, and a lot of bodies that can help us.

“So it’s not going to be fun getting taken out of the game, but then again, it’s your teammates, so that’s part of [being] a team—you’re going to cheer them on no matter what. It’ll be different, but I think it’s going to work out for the best.”

Me: You’ll be getting some big-time frontcourt help in rookies J.J. Hickson and Tracy Smith, two highly regarded youngsters. What have been your early impressions of these two?

McCauley: “They’re playing well. The one thing, obviously, is now they have to learn the offense. Athletic-wise and conditioning-wise, they’re coming along. They’re in pretty good shape right now; obviously, we all are because we’ve been working out. The two main things [are] you have to be able to learn your offense and you have to be able to learn your teammates. It’s a big thing, learning the offense, but then again, you have to know what your teammates are expecting of you.

“I think that’s one thing that worked well last year: we had really good team chemistry. For instance, if I got the ball in the post, guys would move and they knew that I was going to get them the ball. They would move to either shoot a three or cut to the basket, and that works well, because they know that I know that I want them to move to the basket. That’s one thing that our big men now will have to work on, is ‘Does this guy want to cut to the basket? Does he want to stay out and let me go to work?’ That’s something that will come with game experience.

“But other than that, they’re looking strong. They’re great athletes and good kids, and they’re going to fit in here well.”

Me: Coach Sidney Lowe and his assistants have a year under their belts now, and the returning players should have a better idea of what the staff expects of them. How much of the teaching process for the new players falls on the older players now?

McCauley: “I think we have to kind of show them the way a little bit now, too. Like I said, last year was a big learning experience and we all learned a lot. So we have to take what we learned and filter it to the freshman, to the new guys.

“It’s a lot different, learning stuff from your fellow teammates than your coaches. I realized that when I was a freshman; it’s different [when] you hear something from a guy who’s going through it, rather than just coaching it. When I would talk to Ilian [Evtimov] and Andrew [Brackman], they’d give me personal experiences from being in games and what it’s like to actually be a player rather than hearing it from a coach who’s on the sideline, who’s not in the heat of the game—he is in the heat of the game, but it’s a different kind of point of view. So I think it’s good to get a little bit of both, so I think the freshmen will appreciate it, hearing it from guys who have been there.

“I’m not saying … Obviously Coach Lowe does have experience of being in it—obviously. Guys [who] have an experience being coached under Coach Lowe, it’s different, I think; then they know what to expect from him and what [he expects] from them. I don’t think there’s anyone better to tell them than guys who are already playing under him.”

Me: After being picked to finish at the bottom of the ACC in the preseason last year, the Pack is being ranked in the top 25 just about everywhere. Do the rankings have any effect on how the team approaches or looks at the upcoming season?

McCauley: “That’s one thing you have to look at: It’s preseason, and no one’s seen anyone play each other yet with their new teams. You see preseason rankings go down the tubes, even in football. But then again, it does kind of make you feel good that someone is confident that you can be one of the top frontcourts or teams in the nation. So it does give you a little bit of confidence, but then again, you can’t get a big head just because someone’s ranking you that high. You still have to come out and prove that you are that top-five team. It might give us a little bit of confidence, but like I said, again, you’ve got to be able to perform.”

Me: For whatever reason, Grant’s comment about State losing four games or less this year garnered a lot of attention nationally. Was your reaction to that more along the lines of encouraging that or “C’mon, Gavin, let’s not put a bull’s eye on our back right off the bat”?

McCauley: “No, I think that’s OK. I think that’s fine, because he’s a senior, a leader. We’re going to follow pretty much what [he says] … Gavin’s the leader, and if he says something like that, we’re going to take full responsibility in making sure that happens. I think it’s good; I think it gives us a sense of, ‘Let’s get out and do this,’ instead of coming out of the gates and being like, ‘Make sure we win this game, make sure we win this game.’ We’re coming out [saying], ‘Let’s win every game, let’s do this. We know we can do it, so let’s do it.’ And I think Gavin knows we can do it, that’s why he said that. He wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t think we could do it.

“He’s confident, and that’s a big thing. I think there’s a difference between cockiness ad confidence. I think he was very confident in that comment, and we’re all confident that we can do it.”

Me: The team was obviously upset to be picked to finish in last place a season ago. How are the expectations different now?

McCauley: “It is different; it’s a lot better than being picked last. But being picked last, you can be the underdog, and if you win, that’s a bonus. But now, I feel like we can win and we should win, so we should be ranked high. I’m confident that we can be [at] the top of the ACC.”

Me: Even though State is being ranked highly in some areas, most people they’ll finish last in the Triangle still—behind UNC-Chapel Hill and Duke.

McCauley: [shaking head] “Last in the Triangle … We’re not going to be last in the Triangle, that’s for sure.”