It sure seemed like Miami's tremendous turnaround from the basement to the penthouse in 2008 was almost too good to be true. Going from a one-win laughingstock to AFC East champions in the course of a season was truly amazing … but now we're finally finding out what the catch is. It appears the 'Fins have sold their souls to the devil—or, to be more exact, to "el diablo" in this case.
Since the offseason ended, we've learned that the Dolphins' stadium is going to be renamed Land Shark Stadium, celebrating Jimmy Buffett's beer. And it's not bad enough that a team named the Dolphins is going to play at a venue with the word "Shark" in its fucking name, but there are also going to be Margaritaville "themes" to "enhance the game-day experience for Dolphans." And as the icing on the proverbial shit cake, Jimmy Buffett wrote a new song for the team called "Fins."
On top of that, it was then announced that Gloria "The Bus Dodger" Estefan and her husband Emilio (holy shit; how far have you fallen when you're the son of Martin Sheen and you're not even the most famous person named Emilio E.?) are now minority owners of the team. And with that kidney shot not even fully registered, last week it was revealed that the "Puerto Rican Bobblehead," Marc Anthony, was joining the crew as a limited partner of the team. With "J-Lo" in tow, apparently Vernon Carey no longer has the largest arse on the team. Great. Can she play right guard?
I know Miami is referred to as "Little Havana," but this is rather ridiculous. Are we going to start calling plays in Spanish? Start letting Ricky Williams smoke guacamole on the sidelines? Begin putting Port-A-Pottys on the sidelines?
Haven't we dealt with enough over the past 15 years, with Jimmy Johnson, Dave Wannstache, Nick Satan and Cam Cameron? I knew this shit was too good to be true.
Dios mio.
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