In “Shooter,” Marky Mark Rocks The Government With Explosions And Good Vibrations

If Ahnold Schwarzenegger and Steven Seagal and “Vantage Point” and a whole lot of suck got together and had a movie together, it would probably be “Shooter.”

Mark Wahlberg stars as Bob Lee Swagger (no, seriously, that’s his name in the movie … are you f’ing kidding me? Does he spit testosterone? The writers couldn’t come up with anything less, you know, obvious?), a retired, exiled former sniper (probably like, only the best in the world). Now, he’s a one-man (and one dog) militia compound up in the mountains, rocking a ponytail like Seagal and sent into reclusion after being betrayed by his own.damn.government. Shady government flunkies track him down with word of a presidential assassination threat, and they play to his patriotic roots to get him to help them figure out just how the bastard is going to take down POTUS.

The embittered Swagger has to think about it, though. So we pan to an “Marky Mark” in the mountains, pensive, brooding, torn, a deep internal struggle occurring as orchestral music plays in the background. He scans the snowy peaks for the answer to this dilemma, trusty dog at his side. It’s an Oscar-worthy moment—if by “Oscar” you mean “That time in the movie when the former boy-band dancer guy like Vanilla Ice stares around in a circle and counts to 15.” After the guilt trip surrounding how his conscience would handle the President dying when he had a chance to stop it, Swagger somewhat predictably elects to help out.

But nothing is as it seems! Pretty soon, Swagger is getting chased all over the Eastern Seaboard like Dr. Richard Kimble, getting shot and letting the beautiful widow of his ex-partner operate on him after he does a series of Whip-Its to pass out (seriously). After the shadowy conglomerate shoots his dog, well, let’s just say that the shit is going to be on.

Pretty soon, armed with information provided by a good-but-creepy old Tennessee gunsmith, Swagger is mounting a two-man assault (at some point, he picked up a rogue FBI agent, a Hispanic guy with a redneck accent; I wasn’t asking questions at this point) on the mercenary crew led by corrupt Senator (played by Ned By-God Beatty) and his right-hand man, played by a gravelly voiced Danny Glover. Not only is Marky Mark hard to take seriously in this role, but his constant mumbling makes it so almost none of the dialogue is understood—which is probably a good thing.

The next thing you know, what started out as mildly intriguing has degenerated into a late-‘80s-style Schwarzenegger flick, replete with random violence, flying bodies, burning people, headshots, explosions, rough justice. By now, the plot has basically become “Lots of shit is going to get blown up.” Broad, grandiose political statements are inserted at the end (“It’s a confused soul that thinks that one man can make a difference. And you have to kill him to convince him otherwise. That’s the hassle with democracy.”) and allusions to vast government conspiracies are shared, but they only leave you more confused rather than enlightened.

Finally, Swagger goes above the law and commits mass murder, much to the merriment of his newly found girlfriend, who is happy to drive him randomly toward the mountains as Otis Taylor’s “Nasty Letter” plays.

And scene.

And that’s 124 minutes I’ll never get back. Thanks, Marky Mark.