After a sterling stretch run, the Midgies pulled a disappearing act when it mattered most, folding like a cheap suit in the championship game against a quality opponent. BMP lost by 16 points, 98-82, and that's with a rousing three combined points from my two starting wide receivers and my placekicker. I played golf the morning of the title contest and didn't return in time to remove Arizona's Neil Rackers from my lineup, and since he was playing in a Snow Bowl in Beantown, I knew his production would be nada against the Patsies. However, I did drill a 35-foot birdie putt during my round, so it was prolly worth being unable to make a change at the kicker position on my fantasy football team.
What really kicked Blind Midget Patrol in the cornflakes was the milk-carton-worthy effort of Houson's Andre Johnson, my second-half MVP. After torching defenses each and every week, when push came to shove, A.J. bitched me with a whopping two catches for 17 yards—all in the third quarter. When Devin Hester (my brother, a long-suffering Bears fan, calmly put me in place by asking, "You have a Chicago Bears wide receiver on your fantasy football team?!) racked up a point all by himself a night later in subfreezing weather, I knew I was done. It was risky running Hester out there, but he has been due for a long return TD for about a year, he usually comes up big in prime-time games and my big-name draftee at the spot, Roy E. Williams, has been tanking worse than Ohio State in an important game all season long. Even more frustrating is the fact that Hester constantly blows by opposing secondaries, only to have quarterback Kyle Orton throw fluttering moon balls in his general direction that always fall harmlessly to the turf 20 yards behind Hester. I contemplated putting surprisingly resurgent Ravens wideout Derrick Mason out there, but he has been injured and, well, he plays for the Ravens. Oh well.
Throw in the fact that the Texans defense decided not to show up against a horrific Raiders offense, LaDainian Tomlinson continued his weak showings and Michael "The Burner" Turner had a touchdown vultured by Jerrious Norwood, and the writing was on the wall for BMP. Train-wreck fascinated by the fact that New Orleans continued to throw the ball all over the field against a winless Lions team despite an insurmountable late lead, I flipped over to see some of that contest, only to see my opponent's star wideout, Marques Colston, catch two touchdown passes very late, when the game was well out of reach. The Saints's bad sportsmanship, combined with my zero production from three key positions, basically handed the trophy to my foe, so hats off to him. He did have a strong team.
But my guys don't leave without some hardware of their own. I bestow the annual Antonio Gates Memorial M.I.A. Award, sponsored by the Greater Buffalo Area Jim Kelly Hardware Emporium—the trophy is a silver choke chain on top of a platinum milk carton—to Andre Johnson, for unparalleled choking at vital moments in fantasy football championship games.
I'll take my $20 runner-up fee and print out some "Missing" posters for you, Andre.
Bastard.
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