Meanie Words = Indefinite Suspension, Cheap Haymakers = Play On!

The NHL vs. the NFL. They're certainly not on par when it comes to popularity or relevance in the United States, but occasionally it's interesting to see how each league elects to handle sticky situations.

On the frozen pond, Sean Avery of the Dallas Stars thought it would be a good idea to gather the assembled media and deliver a blast directed at Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf. Did he attack Phaneuf's manhood on the ice? Did he denigrate his skills? Did he question Phaneuf's ability to match up with Avery? Nah. He basically called Phaneuf's girlfriend a tramp.

You see, Avery once dated actress (term used loosely) Elisha Cuthbert, who is best known for playing Jack Bauer's daughter on "24" and portraying a porn star with a heart o' gold on "Girl Next Door." So, Avery thought it would be humorous to call attention to the fact that he "knew" (in the biblical sense) Elisha early and often, long before Phaneuf arrived on the scene. It was also a reference to the fact that Avery once dated the ex-Mrs. Rod Stewart, model Rachel Hunter, at one point, and Hunter now resides on the arm of Los Angeles Kings defenseman Jarrett Stoll.

"I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds," said Avery, with a mock look of disgust. "I don't know what that's about, but … enjoy the game tonight."



Apparently, it is widely accepted around the NHL that Avery is an "instigator and knucklehead" (in the words of the Chicago Sun-Times), so while his words didn't exactly catch everyone off-guard, they were certainly met with ridicule. While I don't know whether Elisha pulls the train at the All-Star Game or is being passed around the NHL (apparently, she also used to date Montreal defenseman Mike Komisarek), I do know that the comments were in poor taste, out of bounds, below the belt, uncalled for, immature, childish, and basically whatever other way you want to describe them. Agreed.

However.

Were they strong enough that they merited an indefinite suspension for Avery? Were they crass enough that his own team said they would have suspended him if the league had not stepped in? Keep in mind that not only did Avery never refer to Phaneuf, Stoll, Cuthbert or Hunter at all, but that, despite being considered the league's most-hated player, Avery has never been suspended. Yet NHL commissioner Gary Bettman acted swiftly, citing Avery's "inappropriate public comments, not pertaining to the game." A day later, Avery delivered a forced apology prior to a mandatory meeting with Bettman in New York, but it was way too little, way too late.

Compare that to the NFL. In the Nov. 23 game at Miami, New England left tackle Matt Light got tangled up with Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder on a field-goal attempt. Light ripped off Crowder's helmet, grabbed him by his dreadlocked hair and began raining punches down on him. Mind you, Crowder was attempting to extricate himself the entire time, not punching back but trying to dance away as Light pulled his hair like a girl. On watching the event live, I assumed a multiple-game suspension for Light, especially considering the league's stance on fighting and basically any type of hard hitting on the field at all, much less sans helmets. The outcome? Both players were fined $15,000, and neither was suspended.

So, basically, Crowder got to pay $15,000 to have a roided-up cheater yank off his helmet, pull his hair and punch him repeatedly about the head and face. Light got to pay $15,000 to take some punishment-free swings at a defenseless player who, admittedly, is annoying and whose bark is much fiercer than his bite. Keep in mind that this is a league that issues fines and 15-yard penalties for breathing on a quarterback (check the last line in the below video, from Dan Queerdorf: "This is not hockey.").



Do you think that the Patriots' following-week matchup against the sack-happy Steelers, in a game with major playoff implications, had anything to do with commissioner Roger Goodell's decision not to suspend an essential offensive lineman for the Pats? Goodell, based on his long-standing relationship with New England owner Robert Kraft, has been a staunch Patriots apologist, even when the Patsies were caught cheating redhanded. Luckily, Pittsburgh beat the shite out of the Cheatriots anyway, but it was another telling development in the NFL's protection and favoritism shown toward New England. Despite their well-documented cheating and Tom Brady's absence, the Pats remain the NFL's favorite sons, demonstrated by favorable rulings, timely penalties against opponents at key moments, and a complete disregard for the infraction of holding against New England at any time.

For those of you scoring at home, in one league, it's OK to attack an unprotected, defenseless player with unreturned punches. In another, if you hint that another player's unnamed girlfriend might be an unmitigated skank, you're basically banished from the league.

Needless to say that, much like "wags" in Europe, Drew Barrymore with losers and Kate Hudson with musicians, Elisha Cuthbert can't resist toothless NHL defensemen. But it looks like Avery would have been better off just punching her instead of questioning her chastity. Because everyone knows that, if you hint that she gets around the NHL more than a Zamboni, you won't only have to worry about Jack Bauer killing your family and destroying your country, but you'll have to deal with the NHL's resident Mr. Bean—Gary "She seems like a sweet girl" Bettman.

And you thought "As the World Turns" was the best soap opera on TV. Not even close.