Check Out “30 Rock”

One of the most overlooked shows this season has been “30 Rock.” For those confused, this is the “good” show based on “Saturday Night Live.” If you can read these quotes and not want to start watching, you’re a stronger person than I am:

Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Liz: On the count of three, tell me what level of cousin we would have to be for this to be OK.
Gray: Fifth—
Liz (same time): Not happening, ever.
Gray: Wait … I think we’re third cousins.
Liz: Yeah. I’ll see you at the reunion.

Liz: I can't believe you bet your wedding ring.
Pete: I know. Weird thing is ... I had money left.

Jenna: Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz: Yeah. So now you just have to make yourself 10 years younger and Asian.

Jack: Lemon, I don't know how to do this.
Liz: I know.
Jack: [looking out window]: I don't get it. It's not the fear. I thrive on fear.
Liz: Yeah, you're lookin' out a fake window right now, by the way.
Jack: I bull hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson to practice escaping. And it's not the public speaking, there's just something about performing I can't wrap my brain around … All this creative crap. Acting. Ahhh. I've never been able to do it. Never.

Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Jack: Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life; and what is the first thing you need to do?
Liz: I have to break up with Dennis.
Jack: And if you don't break up with him now?
Liz: He'll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers; we'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lives 'til I can't even get away and we're just like ... [gasps] Oh, my God!
Jack: That's right! He's the Rat King. And there's only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely
Liz: I know.
Jack: You have to stuff your heart with steel, wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always: You are the exterminator. Say it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: [louder] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: [shouting] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here.

Jack: Look at him. Most people would be angry with their family for centuries of in-breeding. But he’s too busy trying to stave off infection.

Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What’s the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, Red.

Tracy: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toofer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we’ll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I’ll put on a ski mask …
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who’s still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy: … Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies’ room at The Ivy …
Pete: No.

Jack: Leo's an excellent physician and a pretty good dentist.

Tracy: But I want you to know something: You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
Kenneth: Oh, OK.
Tracy: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Liz: How you doing?
Jenna: There is no way I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia? And that he once felt asleep on Ted Danson's roof?
Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.
Jenna: I can't even believe that you are doing this to me!
Liz: Listen, I understand this is tough for you, OK? But what did I tell you?
Jenna: Not to freak out?
Liz: Right. And what else?
Jenna: Stop falling in love with gay guys?

Tracy: Thank you, Jack. Yo, I’m a make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don’t I?