I have a friend who had a philosophy that anyone caught kneeling in prayer in the end zone after a touchdown was subject to being speared in the back without penalty. Under his theoretical commissioner rule, any opponent had a free eight-second window in which to drill the player sans punishment. Seemed like a reasonable rule to me … and one that should probably be expanded to some of these ridiculous end-zone celebrations. I know that when Donovan McNabb scored against the Dolphins one time and starting doing some retarded “Teen Wolf” dance, I was praying that Zach Thomas would enjoy a 35-yard full-speed sprint at him and deliver a spleen-rupturing shiver to the lower-back area.
This philosophy also brings me to the greatest moment in the Auburn-Alabama game (well, besides the fact that the Tigers won—money well-spent, Tide!). The Auburn cornerback Jerraud Powers decides to do some gay celebration roughly four inches from an attack dog’s mouth, then gets bit on the hand. Perhaps the best part is the dude takes a swing at the dog and the dog easily ducks it and continues to stare him down. In the meantime, the cop just stands there watching, with no reaction whatsoever. Hell, you come over and start doing a stupid dance too close to a dog, you’re going to get bit. And if you take a swing at said dog, you’re going to get hit. What the hell was the cop doing? Also, why couldn’t the pup take a nip at Alabama coach Nick Satan while he was at it?
So to borrow from Bill Maher, new rule*: Anyone caught doing anything more than spiking the ball or hugging a teammate will be attacked by a rabid dog for a period no shorter than 35 seconds, the length of the play clock. Who’s with me?
* EDITOR'S NOTE: This rule will be tested on an experimental basis during the Norfolk Correctional Facility intramural flag football game, starring Michael Vick himself. The Scooter & Hum in-box has been flooded with dogs volunteering to take part in this venture for free.
No comments:
Post a Comment