They Arrested Him At “Hello”

An episode of “When Agents Attack” recently broke out in Newport Beach, Calif., where super-agent Leigh Steinberg turned Pacific Coast Highway into his own personal bowling alley. Soused behind the wheel, the 58-year-old bobblehead plowed into three parked cars, and as an encore, hopped the curb and knocked over a fire hydrant. I guess the sight of a 2002 Mercedes ML 500 careening off of other vehicles at one in the morning sent off warning bells for local authorities -- even in California. After he provided a blood sample, Steinberg was charged with suspicion of drunken driving.

"I know that it is not acceptable to get behind the wheel after having consumed any amount of alcohol,” said Steinberg in a statement. “I take full responsibility for my behavior, and I will take appropriate action to prevent any remotely similar behavior in the future.”

Admirable, but not true. You see, he was arrested 10 years prior in the same city for the same crime. I’d call that “remotely similar behavior.”

The basis for Tom Cruise’s lead character in “Jerry Maguire,” Steinberg was long considered the top agent in professional sports, boasting a client list that read like a “Who’s Who” of future Hall of Famers. However, based on reports that his client list is dwindling, maybe this is part of a new pitch. Perhaps he’s aligning himself with other habitual drunken drivers, a veritable “Agent to the Drunken Stars.” Not so fast, Nicole ... we said "stars."

Of course, one wonders whether this latest offense will involve being called to the “principal’s office,” for a word with new NFL commissioner Roger Gooddall. “The Commish” has put in a place a new Personal Conduct Policy aimed at disciplining players who go astray of the law, already resulting in a year-long suspension for Titans cornerback Pacman Jones and an eight-game suspension for Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry. Does this policy extend to large-noggined agents?

If not, I say that his punishment should be to involuntarily cast him in a quasi-“Surreal Life” reality show, forcing him to live with Pacman and “Puke Man” (so dubbed because of an incident where Henry vomited on the side of a car in which he was a passenger when the driver was pulled over for a DUI) as they try to find things to do during their exile from the NFL. Watch as Steinberg makes it rain while Pacman and Puke Man beat down some nappy-headed ‘hos. Hilarity ensues.

No truth to the rumor that, after hiring Chico’s Bail Bonds, Steinberg pointed to the jailer and quietly muttered, “Show them the money.”