“Augusta, Ga.—All-world golfer Tiger Woods captivated a worldwide audience and a throng of thousands at beautiful Augusta National, forging a memorable path down Magnolia Lane on a glorious Sunday afternoon. Woods’ prayers were answered after 'Amen Corner' when he hit a one-in-a-million wood into the 13th green, using the slope to filter the ball down to eagle range, which he converted. Masters officials convened briefly following the shot to discuss whether to hand him the trophy for the tournament then and there, but voted 4-3 (Hootie Johnson cast his ballot via telephone) to continue the event. Surprisingly, neither Woods nor his ball walked on water on the 15th hole, when Mother Nature herself intervened to put Tiger’s Nike ball – presented to him by Jesus himself earlier on Easter morning – into the water hazard. Yet the misstep could not besmirch an impeccable round of golf for the immortal Woods, who showed time and again why he is the greatest person in the history of the planet.
“On a related note, Zach Johnson won his first Masters today.”
If you spent any time at all watching the Masters this weekend, you might have thought that Tiger Woods was giving a lesson on the driving range to a group of Jerry’s Kids instead of competing in one of the sport’s most historic tournaments against the best the world has to offer. As commentators made excuse after excuse for Woods and tried to create drama by pumping up a feeble Tiger “charge” on the back nine, they neglected to note Johnson’s uncanny accuracy off the tee and deadly short game. Not only that, but they didn’t notice that Justin Rose was actually ahead of Woods until after he birdied the 16th to climb to within one of the lead. “By the way, Justin Rose has apparently drained a birdie putt to go to +2, which my calculator says is actually ahead of Woods. Can that be right?” Rose eventually caved into the pressure and duck-hooked a drive nearly into my living room, but it would have been nice of them to notice what he had done to put himself in contention.
Not only that, but after the match, the brain-dead announcers missed the obvious questions to the participants. Phil Mickelson was asked about the 2006 U.S. Open for some reason, which is strange because my cable box labeled this the 2007 Masters. Retief Goosen didn’t have to field any questions about why he laid up on both the 13th and 15th, which are reachable par-5s with a good drive. Zach Johnson was not queried as to his strategy in protecting the lead with layups and how he managed to look so comfortable in such treacherous conditions.
Of course, Masters tradition did add some comedy highlights post-match, with the previous year’s winner tabbed to put the green jacket on this year’s champion. Mickelson was forced to sit through an interminable interview between commentator Jim Nantz and Johnson, all but grimacing in the background. Add in the almost painful awkwardness involved in putting a jacket on another man and pretending to be happy for him, and it was reaching nearly mythical proportions of unintentional comedy. This is one of the Masters traditions that I love so much; as Jim Rome noted on his radio show, it should be extended even longer when the participants hate each other. For example, when Woods was forced to put the green jacket on Mickelson, they should have expanded the interview segment to 30 minutes; gone over each and every shot, hole by hole; brought in Mickelson’s caddy to discuss the yardage book; and introduced Mickelson’s wife (a Katie Couric look-a-like) and daughters for a playful celebration as Woods is forced to look on, grinding his teeth. A camera could then follow Woods outside as he bends a sand wedge around his caddy Stevie’s neck and then enjoys a post-match dump. “Back over to Butler Cabin, where Peter Kostis has a report on Woods!” “Yes, Jim, Tiger has apparently just dropped a deuce. ‘Oostie’ reports it is a bigger loaf than Jack ever deposited here!”
As to the guy who actually won, the announcers were all but screaming that Johnson is an unknown that no one has ever heard of, beyond his startling resemblance to Joaquin Phoenix. Of course, this ignores the fact that he was ON THE RYDER CUP team last year, arguably making him one of the top dozen players in the United States and one of the top 24 golfers in the WORLD. To his credit, Johnson was rewarded with an appearance on Late Show with David Letterman, where he recited the “Top 10 Things I Can Say Now That I’ve Won The Masters.” A highlight was No. 4: “I just wrote down ‘3’ for every hole. Nobody checked.” That made me laugh; I couldn’t help it.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s impressive that Tiger broke his 4-iron on a tree and that he scowled a lot and cursed under his breath and looked incensed enough to use his gigantic teeth to gnaw through some of the famed dogwoods, beaver style. He’s obviously an incredible player, but I don’t need a bunch of foreign blowhards to remind me of that every six seconds in a variety of annoying accents. CBS would do well to remember that there are some other fairly talented golfers in the game and that not all of them lay down when Woods passes — then wait in line to measure his Tiger droppings.
6 comments:
It's not the writer, it's the writing and in your case you are horrible. Now, back to you Peter.
It's not the poster, it's the posting and in your case you're a shite stain.
Your post is confusing, but what is not is that, undoubtedly and unquestionably, you are a peter.
just kidding about the horrible. zach johnson was unstoppable. the zone is such a real and peculiar thing and all true performers can turn it on; the best musicians can play as if it's the first time the piece has been played or last time we'll ever hear it. It's almost completely selfless, ya' know - it's for us! Energy deserves study. Read Aleister Crowley and harness the light and the dark. At least Wiki him if unsure.
Confused? Um, your a poor writer/thinker. Satire is easy, but you don't find it that way.
I meant to type, "you're a poor writer/thinker." My bad.
Yes ... satire. Your stupidity can't be covered up by Wikipedia. But take care, Aleister.
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