Stop me when you reach a fact that is not believable.
There is such a thing as a Jedi religion. It claims close to 400,000 members. There is a Jedi church in Wales. It has 30 members. A guy dressed up as Darth Vader, cleverly substituting a garbage bag for a cape. He attacked two members of the Jedi church. With a metal crutch. In the head and thigh. He was drunk on wine-in-a-box.
This might be the greatest story ever told.
Despite his sneaky costume, a 27-year-old named Arwel Hughes had to pay $507 in court costs and damages to two victims (Masters Jonba and Mormi Hehol—pronounced HEE-HAW) he assaulted with a metal crutch. Luckily (I guess?), the victims had previously set up a camera to videotape themselves in a light saber battle (*cue video of painfully awkward dork playing with light saber*), so they captured the “real” attack on film. In a brilliant and memorable defense tactic, the perp claimed that he knew the behavior was wrong, but he had no recollection of it. He had good reason, according to the AP (wait for it):
“Hughes claimed he couldn’t remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 ½-gallon box of wine beforehand.”
I mean, this sounds like the plot of an episode of “The Office,” an event that should have rightfully taken place on Dwight’s beet farm. “In the name of You’re Not My Father, Leia’s illegitimate son, and the Holy Chewbacca …”
Amazingly, the Church of Jediism has existed since 2003, when the above-mentioned Masters Jonba and Momi were joined by Masters Morda Hehol and Jonar Magway in creating a church that offers personal Jedi training and monthly Jedi teachings. Can you imagine the merchandising opportunities here? Yoda on a cross? Jabba the Hutt as Satan? Arriving at the pearly gates in a landspeeder? Dressing as a Jawa on the Sabbath? A groundbreaking civil union between R2-D2 and C3PO? Natalie Portman arriving at your door in a short-sleeved dress shirt and tie, asking for a few moments of your time to talk about the Force?
In a 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 people listed Jedi as their religion—0.7% of the population at the time. You, too, can join those numbers right online … but a word of warning: “[PLEASE NOTE DUE TO THE LARGE VOLUME OF EMAILS WE RECIVE (sic) PLEASE BE PATIENT FOR A REPLY]”
According to the church’s site, “Our aim is to bring all the world’s believers in the force together for the power of good.” Just beware the dark side. And, well, crutches.
Cast off your old name! Your Jedi name is VOGSC JOWAU of the planet Midol! |
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