Just Go Outside

Clever.

Elisabeth Shue Is Huge In The Ukraine

How pissed off must this dude get when someone orders a club soda?

In Attempt to Meet Fanfare, “Moneyball” Had Only Warning-Track Power

I wanted to be open-minded about “Moneyball,” overcoming an internal doubt about how a book about baseball statistics could magically turn into a compelling movie. Then I saw the acclaim the flick was receiving and started growing a small optimism that I was ready to be proven wrong. Then I saw the film and, quite simply, just couldn’t understand what all the hubbub was about.

Sure, Brad Pitt was pretty good as Billy Beane, combining smarm and charm, and Jonah Hill was a revelation as stats dork Peter Brand. But Philip Seymour Hoffman was a gross miscast as manager Art Howe and Robin Wright was wasted as Sharon. I also understood the choice to cast actual baseball scouts in the flick, but that also lent to the awkwardness of a confrontation between Beane and the head scout.

After a slow start, the momentum of the movie relied quite a bit on a winning streak, but overall, it sort of glossed over the fact that the strategy, on the whole, kind of failed. And I felt that if we’re led to believe that Beane’s disappointing playing career—which tagged him with a “bust” label—had influenced his executive career so much, it should have been connected more clearly to the story arc.

At the end of the day, despite reviews and accolades to the contrary, “Moneyball” didn’t rise above being “just” a baseball movie. Not that there’s anything wrong with that—it’s a worthy genre even if baseball isn’t the national pastime anymore. But this film purported to be so much more than what it actually was ... which set up disappointment for anyone expecting—or needing—more than that.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: LT And Chuck Sheen Finally Wedded, Plus “Mad Men” Dials Up The Intensity

A cokehead sells a Super Bowl ring

Bought by a washed-up caricature (winning)

This is what happens, all right

When two trainwrecks pass in the night

Two losers celebrated for sinning

Surprising season for the Mets

About .500 against all bets

Close to .400 for Wright

Dickey on fire every fifth night

Headlines about wins instead of debts

Reputed to be the ultimate pros

Instead a bunch of frat-punk joes

A Secret Service black eye

Misconduct, cover up, then lie

About a roomful of Colombia ho’s

The NBA playoffs home stretch

The game makes some wretch

The refs stars be hasslin’

‘Til the game’s pro wrasslin’

Rather look for a “Seinfeld” to catch

Intense Don-Joan flirting, very

Anal affair for Krishna Harry

Paul’s Star Trek script weak

Forging Lane up shit’s creek

Pissed-off Megan kinda scary

Last time …

Reprising A Legend With "Lazy Sunday 2"

I've always considered Chris Parnell maybe the most underrated comic to enter the "Saturday Night Live" wheelhouse.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Emotional Finale Sets Stage For Farewell “Fringe” Season, Plus Jealousy Drives “Mad Men” Plotlines

Olivia got shot in the head
Woke up pregnant instead
They animated a dead chick

Then ruined Bell’s shtick

“They’re coming” the warning ahead

To Raleigh he said he would come

Lied to the coaches, say some

Entered a promising ‘tweener

Will exit a helluva screener

Jefferson to the Dookies, kinda dumb

As Facebook goes IPO

Some caution to go slow

Grandmas rule it now

Can it be saved and how?

Zuckerberg missed his window

Josh Beckett, a pro athlete cliché

Doesn’t care, what can you say

Said he was injured, which stinks

But then went out and hit the links

Lovable losers to douches in every way

 

The return of fat Betty

Jealousy has made her petty

Roger beds ex in her space

Don puts Ginsberg in place

As voice of reason, Meg’s ready

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 55

#1

Deion Sanders live-Tweets a domestic violence incident, using his preteen children as props. Case #4,612 of how people don’t ever really change.

#2

More proof that the average television viewer is allergic to anything that actually makes them think: the promising “Alcatraz” has been cancelled. With a clever, intriguing premise that was just gaining momentum, this show will never get a chance to prove itself. Instead, look for Fox to roll out a reality show based on failed presidential candidates who have quit the race.

#3

This infographic really nails how running differs around the globe.

#4

So a sociopathic kid carves his initials into a turtle’s shell and then his father finds the same turtle 47 years later. Charming story or the opening scene to “The Early Days of a Serial Killer”?

#5

It was very difficult not to laugh at the Bill Parcells “Draft Confidential” special on ESPN. Why the network elected to promote a 20-year-old draft philosophy that has resulted in exactly zero playoff wins in the past 15 years is beyond me. Taking one look at his qualifications for drafting a quarterback gives you more than enough reasons why this philosophy is outdated, shortsighted and illogical.

As well, not even referencing his multiple abject failures as the leader of the Dolphins’ draft efforts is akin to the “Simpsons” episode when they visit Germany and the tour guide conveniently leaves out any reference to World War II.

#6

How odd was it to see the final-day leader at the Players Championship seizing up Mackey Sasser-style with a mental block that precluded the start of his backswing? Kudos to Kevin Na for battling the demons on that stage and still putting up a respectable showing. Hope he gets it all figured out.

#7

Is Mel Kiper Jr. the NFL equivalent of Dick Clark and Bob Costas? Dude could be 45 or 70, it’s just impossible to tell.

#8

On the show “Magic City,” Ike Evans’s youngest son, Danny, is a dead ringer for a Kennedy. Considering the timeframe of the show, that makes him a tremendous fit as the do-gooder in a family that skirts the morality line every minute of every day.

#9

I find Merril Hoge to be an insufferable tool for a lot of reasons. His wee douchebag ties are among those reasons.

#10

In one of the many classic “Seinfeld” episodes, George goes off on his boss, walks out, later regrets it, is later officially fired and then has Elaine slip that boss a mickey for revenge. So imagine my delight when I saw the dude that played George’s boss, Fred Applegate, show up as a doctor in an episode of “Persons of Interest.” Too good.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: North Carolina Becomes A National Punchline, Plus Pete Tries To Become The Don

Fueled by ignorance and hate

Bigotry won out, no debate

They passed Amendment One

Damage far and wide has been done

An embarrassment to our state

The heart of the “Beasties,” they say

Revolutionized rap in his way

His style was chill

His communication was ill

Rest in peace, MCA

At so many TMZ headlines we sneered

Then a John Travolta story reared

Tried to shake a pickle loose

Propositioned a masseuse

Mel Gibson thinks this one’s weird

A bully without a stand

Not exactly as the GOP planned

Another prep-school queef

Torturing for comic relief

Better deserved for our land

Megan turned away from the biz

Now doubt and concern is his

Pete had an affair with Rory

From “Gilmore Girls” to kinda whore-y

Don is one shaken advertising whiz

Last time …

Don’t Overthink It: Just Watch “Avatar” As A Visual Spectacle

Sure, there were references to a “Force” that reeked of Jedi mind tricks. Yes, there was a woefully awkward Naboo mating scene. Of course, it was way too long. Absolutely, there was a blatant “Braveheart” ripoff moment near the end. Naturally for a James Cameron-directed movie, the characters were largely wooden, one-dimensional and comic-bookish. There were even way-too-easy “Alien” jokes made possible by the casting of Sigourney Weaver.

Despite these obstacles, however, “Avatar” was an enjoyable watch. This flick still persevered as a valid commentary on the military and an ecological statement, and the underrated Giovanni Ribisi as Parker Selfridge (subtle naming there) was an inspired casting choice.

The overbearing fingerprints of director James Cameron were everywhere, but in the end, there is no denying the spectacular power of special effects in this genre. The immersive, Second Life-ish stuff was also really cool.

While nine Academy Award nominations does seem excessive, the backlash against “Avatar” comes largely from those who read a bit too much into it. When taken at its surface level (and with coffee and NoDoz in hand), this is a fun flick that draws you in as a spectacle ... moreso than a legitimate statement.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Sad Days In The NFL, Plus “Mad Men” Pushes The Boundaries

 On the field, violent release

No substitute at whistle’s cease

Passion he couldn’t hide

But struggled on the inside

Junior Seau, rest in peace

Another player up and quitting

In a way it’s quite fitting

As a program starts to rise

You lose the third-string guys

The price that you pay for winning

The ruling of Commish Goodell

Made many ask, “What the hell?!”

Suspended Vilma for a whole year

In players Roger strikes fear

But at what price is hard to tell

To hoops, taking a back seat

But spring football is a treat

The Pack had a Red-White Game

Brought back some big alumni names

Gonna be a long summer in the heat

Another “Mad Men” with a ‘job

Roger and Megan’s Mom hobnob

Megan is the save-the-day babe

Peggy shacks up with Abe

Of her childhood Sally being robbed

Last time …

The Annual Dolphins Bust Invitational Went Slightly Better Than Expected

To me, the only context for which you can make sense of this draft is based on an assumption that the franchise has embraced a two-year rebuild. There is no other way to perceive the lack of a wide receiver selection until the sixth round and what appeared to be some luxury picks in the third and fourth rounds. If the front office just accepted that they wouldn’t be able to hit all the positions of need in one draft, some of the selections make a lot more sense. However, it doesn’t explain Miami’s relative lack of involvement in free agency.

But anyway ...

First Round: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M

Most people consider Dan Marino a once-in-a-generation type of player. Well, more than a generation has passed since he was the Dolphins’ last first-round quarterback, so it was high time for Miami to make this move. Of course, you never like wearing words like “he was a wide receiver a couple of years ago” and “project” when discussing the eighth overall pick, but hey, apparently he’ll get some leeway from the local media because they’re too busy ogling his wife.

With two veteran signal-callers in place in Matt Moore and David Garrard, the sentiment appears to be the Tannehill will get a redshirt year before fighting for the starting job in 2013 (much like Tennessee handled Jake Locker a season ago). The powers-that-be apparently have had a strong conviction on this kid for months, which is about all you can ask for in assessing a franchise quarterback candidate. I like this investment in hope and the future, but as with all picks, check back in three years.

Second Round: Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford

Shocking even myself, I found myself applauding Miami’s second-round choice as well. The pundits also roundly applauded grabbing Andrew Luck’s personal protector with the 42^nd overall pick, especially since he had a first-round grade in many eyes. He’ll get his first crack at right tackle, but he also adds value as a potential replacement for Jake Long, whose injury history, declining play and desire for an enormous contract seem to add up to a hazy future in South Beach.

Some quarters have reported that Martin is “soft,” but they said the same about Richmond Webb, who rode that reputation to seven Pro Bowls, five All-Pro selections, a spot on the NFL’s All-Decade Team for the 1990s and an induction in the Dolphins’ Honor Roll. The bottom line is not only was Martin a tremendous value pick, but also seems to be uniquely skilled to match the Dolphins’ new offense.

Third Round: Olivier Vernon, DE Miami

The world started to make sense again after this “huh?” selection. Vernon left Miami early after being suspended for much of last season, and he’s been labeled “undersized” in addition to inexperienced. At 6-2, 261 pounds, he would appear to be smallish for a 4-3 defensive end, to go along with character and maturity concerns. Pass-rushing is a huge need for the Dolphins, granted, but with a number of quality wideouts also still on the board and considering some felt Vernon would go two rounds later, this one was a bit of a head scratcher.

Third Round: Michael Egnew, TE, Missouri

After a modest trade-down, the ‘Fins tabbed a beefed-up receiver to play tight end at No. 78 overall. If the Vernon pick made some sense in terms of need, the Dolphins ensured outright confusion among the fanbase by tabbing a third-string tight end who reportedly can’t block. Sure, this pass-happy era has led to a much greater value assigned to seam-threat tight ends who can also split out, but this one had the feel of a luxury pick with so many other pressing needs on the roster. Of course, Philbin may think he's corraled his version of Green Bay's Jermichael Finley, and in that sense you again have to trust the vision.

Fourth Round: Lamar Miller, RB, Miami

For the second straight pick, the Dolphins veered away from need after not only selecting Miller at No. 97 overall, but trading up to do so. Granted, Miller was an underused, explosive player for the Hurricanes, but did not prove himself a capable receiver out of the backfield, which one has to figure his role will involve in Miami. With Reggie Bush and last year’s second-rounder, Daniel Thomas, ahead of him, the smallish Miller will have to establish himself as a return man to bring true value as a rookie.

One can only hope that coach Joe Philbin has a vision for Miller’s future in the offense, because it’s hard not to see a second Hurricanes draft choice as a desperate move to curry favor with a disenchanted and largely disinterested fanbase—especially since the Dolphins hadn’t taken a Miami player in eight years ... you know, back when the Hurricanes were good.

Fifth Round: Josh Kaddu, LB, Oregon

The reaction made it seem as if Kaddu was an iffy pick value-wise, but the shift to more of a 4-3 alignment meant that Miami needed a true outside linebacker. With Koa Misi dancing dangerously close to the “bust” line, there is a great opportunity for Kaddu to contribute immediately on special teams while working into a larger role in the linebacking rotation.

Sixth Round: B.J. Cunningham, WR, Michigan State

After 182 players had been chosen, it would appear that general manager Jeff Ireland finally realized that the Dolphins would need players to catch Tannehill’s passes. Philbin’s philosophy de-emphasizes the need for a No. 1 wideout, and I get that; however, it doesn’t diminish the need for dudes with legs and hands.

Yes, Cunningham is the all-time leading receiver for Sparty, but there’s a reason he lasted this long. Is a he a good-enough route-runner to shine in the West Coast offense as a late-round steal? All things seem possible in May.

Seventh Round: Kheeston Randall, DT, Texas

I know next to nothing about Randall, but he fits three things that Ireland likes, especially in the later rounds: he played in the Senior Bowl; he’s a biggun’ who plays on the defensive line; and he’s a product of a traditional football power. Some say that Randall was an early-round projection prior to a poor senior year for the Longhorns, so he could be a developmental project for the Dolphins.

Seventh Round: Rishard Matthews, WR, Nevada

A dozen picks after Randall, Miami closed out their draft by adding an intriguing wideout. Most seemed to like this selection as a late value pick, including a gushing Mel Kiper Jr., and he’ll certainly get every opportunity to shine considering the lack of depth at receiver.

Summary:

The more I read and see, the more I am (slowly) warming up to this draft. Again, there are huge questions as to what the transition to a new system will look like and how far into rebuilding mode the Dolphins truly are, which makes me believe that Miami is really setting its sights on 2013—a dangerous proposition. However, they are also in the process of transforming the roster after Bill Parcells’s failed philosophy of bringing in as many beefy Big 10 plodders as possible; between this year and last year's haul, Miami has taken important steps toward joining the 21^st-century approach to offensive football.

While I took issue with the receiver-drafting strategy (and while it's hard to give this braintrust the benefit of the doubt considering recent draft results), the reality is that if one of Randall and Matthews makes the rotation and the other sticks on the practice squad, Ireland will come out looking like a winning gambler. Without adding undrafted free agents into the equation (Texas A&M wideout Jeff Fuller and Notre Dame running back Jonas Gray are promising), it’s simply unavoidable that this draft will always be measured on Tannehill’s production and how the shaky triumvirate of Vernon, Egnew and Miller pan out.