Brush Up, Fido

My veterinarian has been getting on me to have "dental work" done -- on my dog, Gallo. Apparently, he has tartar on some of his back teeth and, sometime this year, he needs to go in for a "dental" -- which, in vetspeak, is loosely translated as "enema on your wallet." It got to the point where I actually thought I would give it a shot ... I bought G'Lo (he's still just Gallo from the block) a toothbrush and toothpaste and commenced to trying to brush his teeth. Not only did I feel like a freaking idiot, but it pretty much consisted of him licking the toothbrush as often as possible and making choking noises and wriggling around a lot. Plus, G'Lo is a nice dog, but he still has pretty sharp teeth, and I figgered that if I pushed the issue, he might have to start brushing my teeth because I might lose a coupla fingers.

But it got me thinking ... what kind of a racket is this? Dental work on dogs? Is it common for dogs in the wild to roll up to a stream and sit down and start brushing away? "Hey, Rex, pass the Colgate, would you?" "Spot, I made some floss out of some ivy I found. You can get in on some of this if you want." "Word. Thanks, dog." I haven't seen many rawhide retainers or braces out there on pets. I guess paying the equivalent of a car payment for a coupla of shots and some heartworm pills isn't quite enough for my vet.

So what if I buck the establishment and refuse the dental work? Do they make false teeth for dogs? Will he be gumming the hell out of apple-sauce-flavored dog food down the road? Will other dogs make fun of him and make immature cavity/canine jokes? I think it's a big conspiracy, but if any of you have had to put headgear on your dogs, please let me know.