Scooter & Hum

I Would Like To Go To There

2012-02-01T08:16:00.000-05:00

Yosemite HD from Project Yosemite on Vimeo.

Just ... stunning.

“Ten Thousand Saints” Combines The Vivid With The Gritty In A Fascinating Tale Of a Subculture

2012-01-30T08:03:00.007-05:00

“All his life, he thought he wanted to know the face of the woman who had given birth to him, but a single picture, a name -- it would be too much. It was the not knowing that protected him, the blank page that allowed him to believe she might be anyone, or might not exist at all. He could have been raised by wolves. He could be the son of God or a test tube miracle or for all he knew he could have fallen to Earth with the snow from the sky.”

“Even when the baby was out of her ... she kept her eyes closed tight. She knew how easy it is to fall in love.”

Though it had a couple of holes, Eleanor Henderson’s fascinating look at 1980s New York and the straight edge movement made “Ten Thousand Saints” a haunting, compelling read.

Early on, Henderson centers in Vermont, on Teddy, who dies of an overdose early on (“No foul play had taken place, just an accumulation of poor choices.”), and Jude, Teddy’s best friend and a rampant drug user (“He was good at nothing if not faking sobriety.”). Later, we are introduced to Johnny, Teddy’s stepbrother and underground tattoo artist/rock star in New York City; Eliza, Jude’s sort-of stepsister and a 16-year-old coke abuser who becomes pregnant with Teddy's child after a one-minute stand (“Now Teddy and Jude had left her to fend for herself, and she was fending. She was a girl who knew how to fend.” ); and Les, Jude’s separated stepfather who is dating Jude’s mother. Needless to say, there are a lot of dots to be connected here and a lot of pieces to puzzle out.

“They liked to conceive of their situations in terms they were familiar with. Punk bands, musicals, young adult movies. Jude and Johnny were the Greasers fleeing the Socs, and Eliza was Cherry Valance, the girl from the right side of the tracks. They were the Runaways, betrayed by their parents, only they’d stitched their way into and out of so many states it was hard to keep track of which one they were running from.”

According to Henderson, the story was inspired by her husband’s experiences in the New York of the late 1980s. Like many readers I’m sure, I had to question the inherent difficulties in a woman writing about the issues facing a series of teenage boys a quarter of a century ago (not to mention that Eleanor Henderson is a certified old-lady name). However, she did an admirable job interweaving the characters’ backgrounds into the story, and even though it felt forced in some ways, it is an admittedly difficult balance to achieve.

The tale also jumps around chronologically, which can be tough to follow, though the prose itself is full of emotion, vivid images and moments. Henderson said she originally had written the entire story from Jude’s perspective, though she changed that dramatically in the revisions to incorporate different perspectives, narratives and life experiences.

Henderson depicts a scary New York City -- especially the Alphabet City area -- painting the Lower East Side straight-edge scene of the late 1980s, including widespread drug abuse, the specter of AIDS and other issues. While she does a laudible job with setting and atmosphere, I do feel the entire punk-rock aspect of the novel felt forced, though it was obviously integral to the storyline.

“Fuck millionaires, fuck managers. This was 100 percent grassroots -- of the people, by the people, for the people. This was jump off a stage and know ten guys will catch you. This was fuck your dreams and make your destiny.”

There were certainly some memorable scenes described, including the subway laser tag scene, Jude tripping on ‘shrooms in a Buddhist temple, and the road-trip details and minutiae. [On a side note, I found it humorous that a minor character sustained multiple serious injuries after being jumped, yet was still given a football scholarship to Duke even while he was using a cane. Apparently, even in fiction writing, the Blue Devils are a punchline in football!]

In terms of character building, the novel could have been alternatively titled as “Jude’s Journey,” though the story expands to include more of Eliza as it goes along. I think the story suffers from relegating Eliza to the background a lot, turning her into a bit player, to which we have too scant access to her feelings and emotions.

“Around boys she was herself, she could relax; she had nothing to win but them ... She wasn’t young. She didn’t want to save anyone; she wasn’t in love with other people’s suffering. She wanted to be consumed by it, eaten alive.”

“She had wanted to make something happen; she had asked for heartbreak and she’d gotten it. And it was bigger than anything in her life. She wanted to forget Teddy, and she wanted something to remember him by.”

I also found Les to be hysterical, and personally, thought the story could have used a bit more of his influence, especially near the end ( “... whose religious training was the sum of one semester of biblical literature and thirty years of crossword puzzles.”). Additionally, the casual way that Johnny was accorded rock-star status was a little far-fetched and somewhat difficult to accept. Unfortunately, I found the characters to be mostly unlikeable, which I thought detracted somewhat from the ability to become fully immersed in the story.

Though a triangle of Johnny-Jude-Eliza is described, it is truly a quadrangle, with each vying to maintain or preserve a piece of Teddy. It’s also a story about interpersonal relationships, about how people can feel drawn and indebted to more than one person at a time -- not to mention the intricate webwork that describes how different people relate to each other -- and about how those feelings can lead to difficult choices. And sometimes those relationships are with idealized memories and wistful regrets instead of people. But I don’t think we’re ever privy enough to Johnny’s -- or Eliza’s -- true feelings, which makes it difficult to reinforce those worthwhile messages.

“The baby was already an angel, Teddy’s golden-winged redemption, and now maybe it would be Johnny’s, too.”

“Johnny felt the spirits of the city howling for his attention—not the dead but the waiting to die and the waiting to be born.”

“It was as though Johnny and Jude had been engaged in a staring contest, each daring the other to speak Teddy’s name first, and even thought it meant he would lose, Jude was desperate to blink.”

“They had both wanted to be the one who knew Teddy best, they had both been Teddy for each other, and now the make-believe had come to an end.”

A key character comes out of the closet halfway through the book, adding intrigue to a significant sexual dynamic in the tale -- with AIDS overhanging this vital plot turn. I also think Jude’s sexuality was questionable throughout much of the novel, until his dynamic with Eliza emerges (too late, in my opinion). When it finally comes to the surface, it is depicted beautifully, with the tentative, fumbling, nervous, fluttering feelings that those situations can evoke in the adolescents in all of us.

“‘It’s a nice face,’ she said.
“Nice. It was so much more than nice, but she couldn’t think of a better word. You didn’t call a boy beautiful, not a boy who was your husband’s best friend, not a boy who didn’t like girls and who went around picking fights and who you really did think was beautiful.”

“He deserved her, and Johnny didn’t. This had been his belief all along, but he had lived with his discontentment uneasily; he’d felt unentitled to it. Now his desire flamed up in him, fully formed, righteous; he held a ticket; he had the burden of proof ...”

“Kissing her had been like playing a song ... The kiss had steps, phases—a bridge, a chorus, an appetizer, something to cleanse the palate. It had a shape, a momentum ...”

Eventually, Jude leaves his abuses behind to embrace the clean lifestyle of straight edge, following in Johnny’s footsteps and becoming what Les describes as a “turbulent little reverend.” I had an issue with the transition of the group from the peaceful, keep-to-yourself straight-edge movement toward a violent clique bent on pressing their morality onto abusers. I felt Henderson mentioned this more in passing, with the thought process unexplained, and this transition, to me, was too significant to be handled so subtly. After all, when you’re discussing shooting drunks with BB guns, I don’t think there’s a lot of room to be subtle as an author.

“He didn’t want to be on the run anymore ... He wanted things to be the way they used to be ... He wanted to need no one.”

“Jude saw himself now for what he was: inessential. He was the tissue that bound the essential members together -- Teddy, Johnny, Eliza, those who were joined by blood or by sex. Jude was joined to no one by neither. He was beyond rescue.”

“He was jealous of everyone who knew how they wanted to be loved.”

The story regains its footing near the end, with a plot twist where Teddy’s father is found, he turns out to be a lawyer and is convinced to go after Eliza’s fitness as a mother. Considering how easy it becomes to forgot how young all the characters really are, it is refreshing when, at the end, we see that the are finally accorded some semblance of normalcy and a return to youth. As if some recognition that trading Teddy’s memory for Teddy’s offspring would never truly honor Teddy in the way they had so foolishly hoped.

“But what then to do with this immense relief, this joy rolling out like a carpet before him, the surprise gift of their youth returned to their hands?
“He wondered if his own birth mother, unburdened by him, went on to live her life and kiss boys.”

“ ... cradling the ashes awkwardly in his arms. They weighed perhaps as much as a newborn baby, and he looked down at them with the same terror and awe with which a new father might look at his child, holding it for the first time.”

Though many will be unhappy with all of the unanswered questions (what happened to Johnny -- did he die in San Francisco? Who was Jude’s unnamed wife -- was it Eliza? If not, what became of Eliza? How long did they stay in the straight-edge movement?), to me, the strong conclusion salvaged some earlier dragging parts of the tale.

All in all, I felt “Ten Thousand Saints” was a great tale, though not a great story. Being that that likely doesn’t make much sense, I’ll add that I felt there were a lot of clever and evocative elements in play, making for a more-than-worthwhile story to tell. However, I felt the plot drifted a bit too much, with too little sharing of how the main characters truly feel about each other.

Of course, I’ve pointed out what I see are some flaws. But to be fair, Henderson employs some really beautiful, mature writing, and eminently quotable turns of phrase. The result is an evocative, humorous novel, a coming-of-age tale wrapped in a series of love stories, fraught with real emotion ... balanced by harsh reality.

“ ... despite himself, the first thing he did was hunt for evidence of the baby’s genes, the science project -- blue and yellow make green -- at which no one in the history of the world has ever failed to be amazed.”

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: The ‘Fins Give Yet Another Coach A Shot, Plus SEAL Team 6—We’re Not Worthy

2012-01-27T09:52:00.004-05:00

A series of mistakes that’s egregious
Bad decisions continuously besiege us
So let’s try it one more time
To turn it around on a dime
You’re up, Philbin (not Regis)

The wins can’t be denied
That’s why Happy Valley cried
By covering for his pedophile friend
A legend met a controversial end
The contradictions of JoePa won’t subside

A fat and outraged Newt
Mad that debate crowds put on mute
How else can he chase down Mitt
In the race of bullshit vs. bullshit
It’s the Average Joe who gets the boot

A new coach has been celebrated
But a blowout to a rival very hated
Looked like the same ol’ Pack
And rumors of them being back
Have been greatly exaggerated

In times of confusion and hate
We look for hope to celebrate
So here comes SEAL Team 6
Saving citizens and killing pricks
True heroes—one thing not up for debate

Last time …

A Mashup Of Two Of My Favorite Things ...

2012-01-25T08:22:00.000-05:00

sterling cooper vader price from Dann Matthews on Vimeo.

Sterling Cooper Vader Price? I can dig it.

Ferrell Lets Down Comedic Guard In Surprising “Everything Must Go”

2012-01-23T08:24:00.001-05:00

Straddling the line between depressing and comedic can be a tough task, but “Everything Must Go” finds this balance in extraordinary fashion. Adapted from a short story by Raymond Carver, this was the first script for Dan Rush, who wrote and directed this film in a stunning debut. Perhaps the best way to describe this movie is that it sneaks up on you ... and it is so much more than the sum of its parts.

Rush introduces us to Nick Halsey, an alcoholic with marital problems, a budding mid-life crisis and a defeated mindset. After being fired after 16 years at the same company (the dude from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” Glenn Howerton, is perfect as Ferrell’s smarmy boss), he receives a knife as a severance package -- with somewhat predictable results. Then Nick decides to live on his front lawn after being locked out of his house by his wife, putting his life -- populated by what Rush called “a history of aborted enthusiasms” -- out on the front lawn, for all to judge and value.

He endures gut punch after gut punch to open the film, to the point where we wonder just how much he’s going to be able to take. The capper comes when he learns that his AA sponsor, a cop who had become something of a friend, is sleeping with his estranged wife (who is never shown, by design, I believe). As a viewer, I’m thinking, “Man, who can you trust if you can’t trust your sponsor?!”

He spends much of the film trying to find whatever it is that someone once saw or said that was special in him. Upon tracking down a former classmate (Laura Dern) to ask why she wrote something nice about him in his yearbook, she says, “You have a good heart. That doesn’t change.”

He finds support and even friends in the unlikeliest of places. First, in an aimless black kid named Kenny (the scene-stealing Christopher Jordan Wallace) who teams up with him. Kenny’s character was likened to Yoda by Ferrell, who said that Kenny served as a check and balance to Nick’s actions.

Then, Nick develops an unlikely bond with a beautiful, yet neglected, new neighbor who happens to be pregnant. His friendship with Samantha (played in an understated, absorbing way by Rebecca Hall) reinforces the film’s message about what makes us strangers and what could help us bridge that divide to friends. The message is both deep and sad -- it asks something of the viewer, which can make it difficult to watch. It touches on the bonds we form, sometimes unbelievably quickly, due to a quiet desperation.

At the end, as sunlight begins to peak out from behind the clouds, Samantha hands Nick a Polaroid, with a simple inscription: “Everything is not yet lost.” The beauty and poignancy of that moment and that scene -- which serve as a symbolic comment on the transitory, fleeting nature of frozen images -- make it a wonderful summation of the film itself.

Even at rock bottom, Ferrell is endearing and pitiable. A scene where he’s begging for beers outside a convenience store is hard to look at, yet even in the darkest times, there is something universal in Nick that draws us to him. And at the end, when the charges behind his dismissal prove to be baseless, we are reaffirmed in the lead character’s character.

Rush (who made a wise choice in deleting a scene involving Nick and a hooker) had determined that the lead role required likeability in order to pull the film together, so he made a bold casting choice in tabbing Ferrell as the vulnerable everyman. For his part, Ferrell has said he was drawn to the premise of the movie as a departure for him, having never been tasked with guiding an emotionally driven film. He felt that the universality and sympathy made for a great story, yet he questioned his ability to act it. Ferrell was attracted to the test as the next step from comedy to “Stranger Than Fiction” to this one. Like Jim Carrey’s “Truman Show,” Ferrell wondered whether he could carry a vehicle such as this one.

The answer is a redefining, resounding yes, as the gambles by both Rush and Ferrell paid off with a memorable, moving film.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Roy Abandons His Scrubs, Plus Marky Mark Lives In His Own ‘Roid-Fueled Action Movie

2012-01-20T08:15:00.001-05:00

Another douchebag move for Roy
He quit as a self-preservation ploy
His walk-ons, he sold out
Now what’s he lying about
Attacking the media? Oh joy ...

Celeb-crazy Steve Ross
Makes quite a shitty team boss
Chose a Parcells retread cockroach
Over a mustachioed proven coach
Now sit back and watch loss after loss

An ongoing GOP epic fail
Perry is the latest to bail
If these are the best candidates
We deserve our horrific fates
All of them should prolly be in jail

On Twitter, you must pick and choose
Too many without guile or clues
They shoot for the shock and wow
A sign of the apocalypse now
Is Rob Lowe breaking NFL news

Coming off as one of many Hollywood pricks
9/11, Marky Mark said he would’ve put the nix
‘Roids gives him good vibrations
Without a hint of self-deprecation
Done one too many shitty action flicks

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 49

2012-01-18T08:19:00.000-05:00

#1
It’s not fair to truly say goodbye to 2011 without checking out the year’s 50 funniest Tweets. #imjustsayin #hashtag

#2
“Star Wars” behind the scenes. Princess Leia sunbathing. Yes. That is happening. (This message is approved by 8-year-old me.)

#3
Honest question: Has UNC supplanted Duke as the floppingest hoops team in the country?

#4
During the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Matt Lauer referred to Beantown’s hockey team as the “Boston Brewers.” Just a regular guy, him.

#5
Every time Panthers wideout Steve Smith comes close to rehabbing his image, he does something punk as shit and has to start all over again. This time, he inexplicably started screaming at Saints coach Sean Payton during a game. All class, all the time.

#6
I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty certain that the face-palm movement started with Ralphie’s dad on “Christmas Story.”

#7
A quick look at fascinating, clever and creative street art. Adds an element of intrigue to your brisk stroll to the market for toilet paper.

#8
The National Geographic photography contest never disappoints, so these are 45 insane pictures of the world, as well as some of their contest winners.

#9
This week in doppelgangers: Torrey Smith of the Baltimore Ravens and Harold Perrineau, who played Michael from “Lost.”

#10
Imagining a Gingrich presidency. Um, yikes. And this is guy is on Gingrich’s side!

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Jefferson, Tigers Choke Away Title Shot, Plus Campaigning Keeps Reaching New Lows

2012-01-13T08:19:00.003-05:00

The Mad Hatter lived up to his name
In the national title game
Let Jefferson drag the team down
Let Prick Saban walk away with the crown
Yo Les -- sometimes mad just means insane

Sparano is off to join Rex
On Miami, he put a hex
Now will Fisher leave the Fins at the altar
So I can see another coaching search falter?
Both the ‘Fins and Jets are freaking wrecks

Gottfried’s honeymoon at an abrupt end
Home blowout to GT hard to defend
Refs hate his jacket move
Still has a lot to prove
Of State’s problems, which can he mend?

Added “Walked Dead” to the mix
Zombies chase Georgia hicks
Gruesome most of the time
Storylines sometimes sublime
But can the plot keep adding new tricks?

The greatest worst reality show
A debate for the ignorant and slow
That’s the state of the GOP
Yet so many still can’t see
How low can the lowest common denominator go?

Last time …

"George": An Inspired Movie Concept

2012-01-11T08:01:00.000-05:00

Finally righting the wrong that is the lack of a movie about George Costanza.

Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Books of the Year 2011

2012-01-09T08:04:00.003-05:00

We’re celebrating our fifth year of the Scooties here on Scooter & Hum, and it’s that time of year where the challenge of picking the best books I’ve read this year weighs on me. I didn’t get through as many this year as I would’ve liked, mostly because a couple of the books I chose were lengthy and/or difficult to work through.

All that being said, it was another year that included some stellar reads, as you’ll see below ...

#1: “Ham on Rye,” by Charles Bukowski

What I Wrote Then:

Distilled all the way down, this is essentially a book about getting hit so many times that you’re numb physically, mentally, literally and figuratively—yet you never give up your willingness to keep getting back up after falling down. If you can get past the brutal, stark harshness of it all, you may even find, as I did, a belief that “Ham on Rye” deserves perhaps a higher stature in the catalogues of American literature.

What I Say Now:
Bukowski’s searing, volcanic depiction of La-La Land in the height of the Depression was stunning in its hard-charging, unflinching tone. Alternately hysterical, depressing and morose, “Ham on Rye” captivated with its unwillingness to bend to convention and its limit-testing energy.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:
“Drink was the only thing that kept a man from feeling forever stunned and useless. Everything else just kept picking and picking, hacking away. And nothing was interesting, nothing. The people were restrictive and careful, all alike. And I’ve got to live with these fuckers for the rest of my life, I thought.”

#2: “The Help,” by Kathryn Stockett

What I Wrote Then:

... “The Help” is a memorable, brave work, a promising and head-turning debut for Stockett. No matter where you’re from and what you believe about civil rights, it will forever change the way you look at racial relationships within not only the South, but the entire country. And for a first-time novelist, that is a truly, truly staggering accomplishment.

What I Say Now:
Though “The Help” featured a few holes, the compelling nature of the tale more than made up for the shortcomings in the execution. The result was a truly unforgettable commentary on -- and reminder of -- Southern culture from a time not as long ago as many of us would like to think.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:

“I look deep into her rich brown eyes and she look into mine. Law, she got old-soul eyes, like she done lived a thousand years. And I swear I see, down inside, the woman she gone grow up to be. A flash from the future. She is tall and straight. She is proud. She got a better haircut. And she is remembering the words I put in her head. Remembering as a full-grown woman.
“And then she say it, just like I need her to. ‘You is kind,’ she say, ‘you is smart. You is important.’”

#3: “Suttree,” by Cormac McCarthy

What I Wrote Then:

In the spirit of honesty, I have to share that this was the least favorite of the McCarthy books I’ve read thus far, paling in comparison to “The Road” and “Blood Meridian.” That being said, I appreciated the different style of writing, the ability to shift prose, a quality I’ve long admired in proven, brilliant authors. I was glad to see McCarthy’s willingness to incorporate humor into his writing, which he pulled off well.

And though I do slot this piece behind some of the iconic works of McCarthy’s stellar career, it comfortably resides as yet another tremendous example of novel writing from an American treasure.

What I Say Now:
The difficulty in translating and interpreting this piece, combined with the difficult subject matter of scrutinizing the underbelly of poor white trash, led to the tough decision to put a McCarthy book in third. That being said, however, “Suttree” was an inspired and memorable read.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:
“She was shouting at him some half drunken imprecations, all he could make out was his name. He seemed to have heard it all before and he kept on going.”

#4: “Ghosts of Belfast,” by Stuart Neville

What I Wrote Then:

With his gift for engrossing storytelling, versatile prose style, strong character-building and affinity for the region, Neville has ascended to a deserved lofty stature among Irish crime novelists ... I look forward to seeing Neville’s undoubted improvement in certain aspects as I follow his burgeoning career and potentially limitless success.

What I Say Now:
After a searing start, “Ghosts of Belfast” petered out a bit toward a somewhat predictable end. However, the overall tale and Neville’s ability to hypnotize the reader made it one of my favorite books of the year.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:
“Fegan battled within himself, part of him wanting to stay hidden, part of him needing to show itself.
“He surrendered.”

#5: “Full Dark, No Stars,” by Stephen King

What I Wrote Then:

In this book about secrets and the lengths folks will go to to hide them, to come to terms with a life of living with them, King has constructed a piece not for the faint of heart. But in his carefully crafted characters and environments, he painstakingly endeavors to write about emotion more than ever -- about the emotions in these people, and yes, even the ones in you.

So be brave … cast whatever light you can muster into the dark and shadows spread by King. Then revel in a genius at work in the medium he first mastered, then owned … and now redefined.

What I Say Now:
The harsh, unflinching darkness of “Full Dark, No Stars” was nearly enough to overwhelm the reader, but the veteran King reader knew there would be a payoff. No one does the short-story medium like King, and this collection only served as a chilling reminder of that truth.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:
“Here’s something else I believe: if you’re going into a very dark place … then you should take a bright light, and shine it on everything. If you don’t want to see, why in God’s name would you dare the dark at all?” ... “When it came to the dark fuckery of the human heart, there seemed to be no limit.”

Honorable Mention: “11/22/63,” by Stephen King (review)
I had to omit this one from the list because I didn’t think it was quite fair to have multiple King choices in the top five, but I couldn’t go without at least mentioning this book. I think if I hadn’t finished it so close to the end of the year that it would have ended up higher on this list, but I haven’t had enough time to complete digest its weight and impact. But I certainly thought it was tremendous enough to warrant inclusion here.

Editor’s Note:
Among the “Others” category: “Lost Symbol,” by Dan Brown; “Soul Pancake,” by Rainn Wilson; “Herman Wouk is Still Alive,” by Stephen King; “Take Your Eye Off the Ball,” by Pat Kirwan

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: The OBX Comes Through Yet Again, Plus Is It Going To Be Your Year?

2012-01-06T08:13:00.001-05:00

An Eve comprised of laughs and beers
A visit to Hatteras on New Year’s
When I hit the pillow with my head
My thoughts are often of Nags Head
A place full of memories and happy tears

Jason Taylor has played his last
Never my fave in the past
As Fins made me hit the bottle
He wanted only to be a model
But he could rack up sacks pretty fast

Either love it or hate it
The critics highly rate it
Trying out “Walking Dead”
And searching my head
For exactly what separates it

A fat coach with a mouth that won’t shut
A diva receiver who acts like a butt
A QB who can’t complete a pass
A franchise that comes off as an ass
A fraud as big as Rex Ryan’s gut

Revisit that project you shelved
Find a way to better yourselves
More writing and reading for some
For others, stop being a lazy bum
These resolutions are 2012’s

Last time …

Ah, So That Explains It, Eh "Beast"?

2012-01-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

Considering he led the league in dropped balls, including at least seven touchdown passes, this one-armed Brandon Marshall figurine I spotted seemed more than a little apropos.

Some Need To Live, Some Need To Die, Some Even Need To Learn To Cry: King Alters The Past With “11/22/63”

2012-01-03T08:16:00.007-05:00

“‘Manchester said that if you put the murdered president on one side of a scale and Oswald -- the wretched waif -- on the other, it didn’t balance. No way did it balance. If you wanted to give Kennedy’s death some meaning, you’d have to add something heavier. Which explains the proliferation of conspiracy theories.’”

“There were no violins or warning bells when I pulled the janitor’s theme off the top of the stack and set it before me, no sense that my little life was about to change. But we never know, do we? Life turns on a dime.”

“He leaned forward, his eyes not just bright; they were blazing.
‘You can change history, Jake. Do you understand that? John Kennedy can live.’”

Leave it to Stephen King to envision a scenario where John F. Kennedy escapes Lee Harvey Oswald’s bullet to live out his legacy. And leave it to Stephen King to discover that that post-JFK world would be even shittier than the one we’re living now.

And while we’re at it, leave Stephen King to appoint a man who doesn’t know how to cry to handle the mission of saving JFK. Because all of that and more are what comprise King’s latest work, “11/22/63.”

King employs the premise of a depressed small-town writer (Jake Epping) fulfilling a dying diner owner’s wish by walking out of a mobile home and emerging 50 years in the past, with one vital task in front of him. What ensues brings up all kinds of questions about the butterfly effect, time envisioned as strings in a spider web, how decisions reverberate through the eons and how sometimes love doesn’t stop to ask what year you’re from.

“‘Because this matters, Jake. As far as I’m concerned, it matters more than anything else. If you ever wanted to change the world, this is your chance. Save Kennedy, save his brother. Save Martin Luther King. Stop the race riots. Stop Vietnam, maybe.’ He leaned forward. ‘Get rid of one wretched waif, buddy, and you could save millions of lives.’”

Two things jumped out at me in reviewing the book after reading it: it took him nearly two years to write, which is a long time for King. And that this was a book 40 years in the making, as he initially thought of the project that many years ago, but felt he wasn’t experienced or accomplished enough as a writer to do the work justice.

For a story that reads like a history book at times, King, as always, finds a way to make it completely engrossing. One technique that King uses often is to advance the plot through the use of song lyrics that are tied to specific memories and feelings. Another is his sudden introduction of revelations from the future, in a way that shocks the reader out of any comfort level he or she may be having with the pace and tone of the book. Cross-referencing characters from his pantheon of books is another cherished King tactic, so the resonances of “It” were well-placed and timely -- though the mention of Bevvie and Richie had me scrambling for a Stephen King encyclopedia I had.

The first-person choice was another wise one by King, who allowed the reader to experience America from a half-century ago through the perspective of Jake. However, the book began with a lot of talk about a janitor, which makes the reader a bit curious as to what is role in the coming tale will be, but King eventually explains his role and importance as a corollary to the main story.

The finality of Jake’s choice to embrace this epic challenge leaves him to traverse the country while making a number of key stops along the way. As a North Carolina native, it was mildly disappointing that the only reference to the state was to point out its pervasive racism, through a story about a path behind a gas station lined with poison ivy for coloreds to use as their bathroom. Also, Jake’s brief stay in Sunset Point, Florida, reminded me some of the storyline of King’s “Duma Key.”

On the down side, there were times when I felt like King did a poor job of representing how much time had passed (pun intended) on Jake’s third visit to the past; it seemed as if all of a sudden, the tale had leapt ahead two years. But I guess since the sole reason for Jake’s existence in that parallel time lay five years in the future, it became difficult for King to document the passage of time, since Jake was purposely trying to waste the time and pass the days, without jarring the future too much.

“Because the past isn’t just obdurate; it’s in harmony with both itself and the future.”

“Coincidences happen, but I’ve come to believe they are actually quite rare. Something is at work, okay? Somewhere in the universe (or behind it), a great machine is ticking and turning its fabulous gears.”

As well, King has always struggled when writing women; frankly, he doesn’t do it very well and never has. He also has a tendency to overplay the hilarity of his humor, which only makes the dialogue a bit more awkward at times. Along these lines, I found Jake’s courtship of Sadie both hokey and beautiful (“She filled a large amount of space in a very nice way ...”). That Jake eventually drew Sadie into his problems was inevitable, though still a bit surprising. And of course, there wouldn’t have been much of a payoff if all had gone as planned for Jake.

And finally, though I’m rarely critical of King’s choices, I took issue with his decision to include an addendum about a “last dance” between Sadie and Jake. I felt it cheapened the ending quite a bit, and it was a bit difficult to digest, as it seemed out of character for King to go that route. The addendum allowed him to hedge his bets a little bit with the sacrifice that Jake made -- knowingly or not -- and I didn’t think that was fair to what Jake went through in 1958, in 1963, in 2011 or in any of the ensuing years.

As usual, those quibbles and discrepancies pale in comparison to the overwhelmingly vivid and involving story -- and world -- that King is able to painstakingly (though easily, if that makes sense) construct for us. King is able to evoke a surprising level of emotion through Jake’s second life as a schoolteacher, and the bonds he forms with his students and the community. There were some real touching moments related to the play he directed, and especially the football player, Mike Coslaw, that he helped turn into an acting version of a diamond in the rough. And of course, King, as usual, comes through at the end, evoking a hyper-intensity that makes you feel as if you’re in it with Jake and Sadie, racing the clock to stop an event that actually already happened.

“For a moment, everything was clear, and when that happens you see that the world is barely there at all. Don’t we all secretly know this? It’s a perfectly balanced mechanism of shouts and echoes pretending to be wheels and cogs, a dreamclock chiming beneath a mystery-glass we call life. Behind it? Below it and around it? Chaos, storms. Men with hammers, men with knives, men with guns. Women who twist what they cannot dominate and belittle what they cannot understand. A universe of horror and loss surrounding a single lighted stage where mortals dance in defiance of the dark.”

The novel was well-researched by King (he said he read a stack of books and articles “almost as tall as I am”), which became very evident through the minutiae and exquisite detailing he exhibited. The what-if nature of his affinity for JFK bled through, and one can almost tell he was relieved that, at the end of his research, he was “ninety-eight percent, maybe even ninety-nine” convinced that Oswald acted alone.

I felt like the storyline about the betting goons tracking Jake down seemed a trifle over the top, but the resulting coma dream state was well-handled—and even lends itself to the cinematic format. In fact, like many King works, “11/22/63” is very easy to envision as a movie -- and a really good one. Along similar cinematic lines, in the alternate future created by Jake’s changing of the past, the instability of the earth’s crust is referenced at one point, similar to the movie “2012” (not John Cusack’s finest day); the resulting landscape brought up elements of “Children of Men.”

But purely on the page, it’s a thinking man’s novel. Because at its core, “11/22/63” turned out to be a love story; but also -- and not in an unrelated way -- about teaching a man to weep, not for the future (like Ferris Bueller’s waiter), but for the past as well as a lost present. Though its very existence and rules are confusing, the wormhole for Jake represents not only a purpose to his life, but also an escape hatch out of a mundane, broken present. And the more times that Jake heads into the past, we see his confidence growing, as well as his assertiveness as a person; in fact, we see him growing as a person throughout.

“But I believe in love, you know; love is a uniquely portable magic. I don’t think it’s in the stars, but I do believe that blood calls to blood and mind calls to mind and heart to heart.”

That growth results in Jake learning how to cry by the end. The theme of the man who can’t cry is omnipresent, but not pervasive. It is brought up again at a key moment near the end, in a way that makes us feel that the world threw as much as possible at this guy to see just what it would take to bring tears.

“ ... I will lay my wet face on the pillow and pray to a God I can’t quite believe in to send my Sadie some good angel so she can live. And love. And dance.
“Goodbye, Sadie.
“You never knew me, but I love you, honey.”

And even through the prism of Jake’s tears, we develop a melancholy connection and wistful desire for the America of 50 years ago, despite what that might mean and what it might cost. That may be King’s biggest achievement in “11/22/63” -- the acknowledgement of what we might be willing to give up in exchange for a few fleeting, dancing moments in a world that finally, briefly harmonizes itself.

“Life turns on a dime. Sometimes toward us, but more often it spins away, flirting and flashing as it goes: so long, honey, it was good while it lasted, wasn’t it?”

“Home is watching the moon rise over the open, sleeping land and having someone you can call to the window, so you can look together. Home is where you dance with others, and dancing is life.”

“‘Jake.’
‘What, honey?’
She smiled. ‘How we danced!’”

“Bridesmaids” Falls Far Short Of Advance Billing

2011-12-29T08:13:00.002-05:00

I had heard “Bridesmaids” billed as a “Hangover” for women. I could definitely see some parellels—for instance, Rose Byrne (Helen in “Bridesmaids”) and Sasha Barresse (Tracy in “Hangover”) look very similar—except for the sort-of-important exception of “Bridesmaids” being, well, not funny.

To be fair, there were some very humorous moments—I mean, let’s be honest: shitting in a wedding dress is good for a laugh in any era—and Melissa McCarthy (best known as “Molly” from “Mike & Molly) as Megan was great. Chris O’Dowd surprisingly stole the show as Officer Nathan Rhodes, but even his lines mostly consisted of repetitions of “Seriously?” or “Really?” And for the most part, the flick just sort of dragged and didn’t make a ton of sense.

In a nutshell, “Bridesmaids” came across like an SNL cast party crew, something akin to “Tommy Boy” only minus a few laughs. I respect Kristen Wiig’s acting chops, but in my estimation, she’s a bit too weird-looking (translation: ugly, OK?) to really accept fully in her role, which made things a bit too off-putting. Jon Hamm was on board as well, but Don Draper from “Mad Men” essentially played Don Draper (you know, from “Mad Men”?).

Basically, I had high hopes for “Bridesmaids,” but I came away vastly disappointed and wondering what it was I might have missed. But at least there aren’t plans to shoot a sequel in Bangkok.

Yet.

2011 In Review

2011-12-28T08:09:00.001-05:00

What 2011 looked like, according to Google ...

Festivus Is Our Heritage

2011-12-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

For the sixth straight year, we are back to celebrate Festivus here on Scooter & Hum (if you don’t believe me, that means 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007 and 2006, plus a bonus one in 2006). So please enjoy your airing of grievances and feats of strength, and be sure to share all the ways that your loved ones have disappointed you over the past year.

And remember ... “Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over.”

Giddyup.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Kim Jong Il No Longer So “Ronery,” Plus Mayweather Finally Behind Bars

2011-12-23T08:14:00.001-05:00

Rarely has a death brought more thrill
Then the demise of Kim Jong Il
Team America nailed you deft
With “Rittre to the left”
Of you, the world had its fill

Asked one dude if his mom has a ho
His draft busts just come and go
First he was Tuna’s bitch
Then he was Sparano’s snitch
Jeff Ireland can’t stay -- this you must know

Clemson thought Jones was ‘tarded
One school after another, he discarded
‘Til UNC thought he could thrive
He’s the latest violation to arrive
A jackass and eligibility are soon parted

The Buckeyes got off light
Only the vest has a plight
But Urban is on board
Until he quits or gets bored
Cheating in Columbus is a right

As a person, always an epic fail
Now he’ll get a taste of jail
Played the system to keep winnin’
Ducked the best, but hit women
Floyd’s legacy? A fraud’s tale

Last time …

"Tim's Doing His Best, Dad Bless Him"

2011-12-22T08:22:00.000-05:00

Every now and again, SNL is still capable of knocking one waaaaay out of the park. Here's the proof.

Kirwan’s Informative “Take Your Eye Off the Ball” Brings You Onto the Field and Into the Front Office

2011-12-21T08:17:00.000-05:00

“For too long, watching football has been sort of like visiting an unfamiliar city ... It’s not until you start learning the language and recognizing certain neighborhood landmarks that you feel acclimated and comfortable. And then the fun can really begin.”

I’d heard a lot about Pat Kirwan’s “Take Your Eye Off the Ball: How to Watch Football by Knowing Where to Look” over the years, with many describing it as a must-read for any self-respecting football fan and others considering it something of a bible for those perpetually relegated to the stands.

In my experience, the game moves too fast for the common fan, who is too often too drunk to truly comprehend what he is seeing. But Kirwan comes across as genuinely interested in making the game more accessible and interactive for football aficianados.

Kirwan tackles previously unexplored areas such as how much input a quarterback has into whittling down the playbook until it becomes a gameplan; what a typical week looks like for an NFL team; what truly goes on at halftime; why nose tackles need to be a certain height; and why Ronnie Lott is responsible for the poor state of tackling in the game (equated to the impact Michael Jordan had on the poor state of fundamentals in basketball). The author examines how the best coaches are capable of mixing and matching defensive principles, the different styles of punters, how football intelligence (FBI) and varying learning methods can affect how quickly a playbook is grasped, the prevalence of option-routes, viewing the field in quadrants, and the connection between enormous playbooks and concussions.

Much of the book reads as a treatise of Kirwan’s personal beliefs on the game, but given his lengthy background in football in a variety of capacities, his thoughts are weighted with much more credence than your average writer. Generally, Kirwan is a proponent of more surprise onsides kicks and Madden NFL, which he says has vastly increased the knowledge base of the common fan; he’s a proponent of kicking to Devin Hester (duh, right?) and the phasing out of the traditional fullback in the context of how it impacts special-teams prowess. He’s a proponent of a “sudden-death fifth quarter,” an overtime approach that essentially just continues the fourth quarter, as well as larger rosters; he’s an opponent of lazy broadcasters and the slow pace of technology adoption in the game. He preaches the importance of special teams in a league where a quarter of the games are decided by three points or less, as well as offering advice that fantasy football players need to root their decisions in “football reality,” and “the same goes for gathering material about draft prospects.”

From a personnel and evaluation standpoint, Kirwan is a staunch supporter of the coach having the final word on football decisions, in part because too many general managers “come up from the financial end of the business and have little football sense.” Or, as he puts it even more succinctly, “If a general manager thinks like a fan, talks like a fan, and acts like a fan, he’s going to be sitting with one in the stands soon enough.”

Behind the president, coach and general manager, Kirwan identifies the directors of the college scouting and pro personnel departments as “two of the most vital and underappreciated parts of any franchise.” In addition to all of the other charts and diagrams he shares in the book, he offered up some of his own metrics: the Explosion Number and the Production Ratio. He logically explains the reliance on measurables, then delves into how differing organization philosophies result in disparities in how those measurables are actually used. In terms of scouting, he brings up how the draftability of prospects is assessed, and exactly what scouts are taking into account when breaking down someone’s film.

Kirwan also served up some memorable quotes on a number of key topics related to the game:

On coaching approaches:

“Football, like baseball, is all about forecasting. Coaches build their entire game plan around tendencies—what their opponent’s track record suggests they might do in a certain situation.”

“There are a ton of guys in the NFL with brains but not the physical skills to play the game. They’re called coaches.”

“It’s a simple but vital formula: roster depth combined with good coaching.”

On players vs. scheme:

“Or as Marty Schottenheimer used to say, ‘When you’re in trouble, think players, not plays.’”

“It’s not the scheme as much as it’s the players in it.”

On running backs:

“Backs used to get paid based on their track record. In today’s NFL, teams pay strictly on the basis of what a player projects to do. And to be honest, that’s the smart way of doing things.”

“Backs get tackled more than anyone else on the field, so a lot of teams like to find guys who enjoy the position’s inherent violence. Teams know those guys are going to have short careers, but they’re going to be very effective when they’re out there.
“Walter Payton was the king of violent backs. He knew when he had nowhere left to go that it was time to explode into the tackler, and he looked forward to it.”

On injuries and the medical edge:

“The teams that are best able to identify, treat, and withstand injuries have the opportunity to obtain a rare but substantial edge: the medical competitive advantage.”

On blitzing and pass-rushing:

“Every defense is built on simple math—they all want to have one more defender than the other team has blockers.”

“A pass rusher may get 500 chances to rush the quarterback over the course of the season; if he manages 10 sacks, he’s a star. A pass blocker also gets 500 chances to protect the quarterback; if he gives up 10 sacks, he’s going to be replaced.”

“Nowadays, [blitzing is] not about creating chaos. It’s about creating confusion.”

Closer to home, he shared some revealing—though still disappointing—insights into just what the hell Miami was thinking when they took undersized quarterback Pat White in the second round of the 2009 NFL Draft (he also offered some revealing play-calling choices that Bill Parcells used to get away with that only serve now to point up how outdated his conservative style is today). Kirwan used the opportunity to launch into an assessment of the Wildcat as a viable offensive approach, and how other teams might have used it better to take pressure off of young quarterbacks. “The Wildcat has its place,” he wrote, “but it will always be a far better counterpunch than punch.”

Perhaps most interestingly, Kirwan takes a well-informed stab at predicting the future of football, such as more no-huddle offenses, cushioned fields, a five-yard graphic stripe to show where illegal contact happens, more fan interactivity at the stadium, virtual technology, animated playbooks, and even 17-game season with international games. He also predicted the rise of situational pass-blocking specialists and dramatic changes in uniforms. “Someday soon,” he wrote, “you’ll see football players in lightweight body armor that looks like something Batman would wear.” He even advocated for the creation of marketing opportunities for selling coaches’ tapes online to fund medical benefits for retired players—as good an idea as I’ve heard in this area.

The most disappointing aspect of the version of the book I got was the DVD. Here was a great opportunity for Kirwan to walk through some actual game footage to visually expand on and demonstrate some of the many points he made throughout the book. Instead, the portions of the DVD I saw basically showed him standing in front of a chalkboard, reiterating and rehashing most of what was shared in the book itself.

Despite this missed opportunity, “Take Your Eye Off the Ball” was comprehensive enough to be informative, without becoming overly analytical to the point of losing the common fan. Kirwan’s to-the-point narrative style is easy to read, digest and understand, and I defy any football fan to read it without learning quite a bit. And when a book can deliver that on a subject you’ve been spending hours and hours a week on for 30 years, you know it has to be considered a success.

Celeb Voices Reciting You A Beloved Holiday Tale

2011-12-19T08:17:00.001-05:00

We've included a few Jimpressions here previously, but this one was both seasonal and eclectic.

Enjoy ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Sparano Gets Whacked, Plus Thug Life in the ‘Natti & Cheater Hill Makes Its Move

2011-12-16T08:16:00.002-05:00

Of draft busts there were plenty
Tony couldn’t survive Chad Henne
Everyone’s eyes would roll
When he fist-pumped a field goal
A good dude, but lost way too many

A rivalry game of basketball
Turned into an out-and-out brawl
Thugs threw lotsa punches
With cheap shots in bunches
Six-game suspension, that’s all?!

Of accuracy, he’s no Steve Young
A good passer? Bite your tongue!
A million QBs could throw farther
But he made Jesus hate Marion Barber
With Tebow, the fat lady’s never sung

The coaching carousel turns
ADs and boosters never learns
Hire the hot name
Hope he can win a game
Then get outta town before it burns

Bitch fired after cheating schtick
Withers left a whining prick
In the season of trees and menorah
Hired some dude named Fedora
O’Brien said he’s just the next ass to kick

Last time …

Punk'd At Mos Eisley

2011-12-14T08:26:00.002-05:00

Getting Out Ahead Of The Story, Unlike PSU & Syracuse

2011-12-12T08:22:00.000-05:00

Some people feel Saturday Night Live was "too early" with this skit. I earnestly argue that the entire premise of SNL is being "too early."

Carry on.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: Honey Badger For Heisman?, Plus Newt Gingrich? Seriously?

2011-12-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

He’s got lotsa moxie and speed
Sometimes smokes synthetic weed
The Honey Badger sparks LSU
Like he sparks a bong in Baton Roo
Grabs Heismans and cobras doesn’t heed

Another headline from Butt Favre
He defines attention starved
Wants to play for the Bears
But no one really cares
So back to your farm to whittle and carve

Another tragedy at Virginia Tech
Still another shooting, what the heck
A dangerous campus on the whole
The city takes a mental toll
Blacksburg must be a complete wreck

A miserable 0-7 start
Playing like a collective fart
Now Sparano has them winning
So fans heads are spinning
Can he save his job by showing heart?

The leading candidate is f#%^ing Newt?!
Ain’t he dead on a pile of loot?
Think he stole Christmas, Gingrich
At the least, he’s a cheating bitch
More proof the GOP needs the boot

Last time …

'Tis The Season ... Of Epic Work Holiday Party Debauchery

2011-12-07T08:18:00.000-05:00

It also astonishes me how many people have so little sense of their limit that they find themselves dry-heaving in front of coworkers at company holiday parties. Anyway, someone has arrived on the scene to offer up a helpful chart as well as some can't-miss tips.

So party on ... and try to avoid the room with the copy machines.

How Much Can Be Shared In A Second?

2011-12-06T08:18:00.001-05:00

Seconds Of Beauty - 1st round compilation from The Beauty Of A Second on Vimeo.

Montblanc is holding a one-second film festival. Here's a compilation of what they have so far ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Pack Serves Up A Bowl Full O’ Comeback, Plus Trying To Find The Holiday Spirit

2011-12-02T08:22:00.001-05:00

When it rains fumbles, it pours
Down to Maryland four scores
But a comeback for the ages
Filled up message-board pages
As State knocked down bowl-game doors

Dirtier than a petting zoo
Is one Ndamukon Suh
Late hits every week
Personal fouls that reek
Will a suspension cause him to rue?

Politics make my head hurt
Like Cain chasing a skirt
Didn’t know Newt was alive
Romney just can’t thrive
Obama sits back and laughs, I assert

If it’s true about Bernie Fine
Get behind Sandusky in line
Sports now like “Law & Order”
Pedophiles, robbery and murder
You’ll vomit if you read while you dine

December’s finally here
Load up on presents and gear
Lines from here to the mall
As we say goodbye to fall
And count down to a new year

Last time …

Season To Forget Mercifully Comes To An End

2011-11-30T08:19:00.003-05:00

Thus ends inarguably the most frustrating and disappointing fantasy football season I’ve ever had. Despite a strong draft and a well-stocked roster, you name it, it went wrong, from busted draft picks to key injuries to suspensions to disappearances. Throw in a couple of five-points-or-less losses, and the result was 4-8 overall, losing the last four in a row, plus a 3-5 mark in my division.

It’s sad that I began writing this post-season moratorium with three weeks left in the campaign, but I officially threw in the towel with a couple of weeks left, refusing to throw good money after bad in the transaction pool. I knew fairly early on that the fantasy gods were against me this year, but at 4-4, I felt I had a legitimate chance -- though somewhere down deep I knew I was fooling myself.

Anyway, here’s the annual team awards banquet (see 2007, 2009 and 2010), in digital form only since these underachieving fucks don’t deserve a free meal. Enjoy ...

The Annual Clemson Fast Start, Late Implosion Award: Mike Tolbert, RB, San Diego
Not that anyone should be surprised by this given the coaching of Norv Turner, but the Chargers running back situation was, shall we say, “weird” this year. Tolbert leapt out of the gates, putting up a TD hat trick (from my bench) in Week 1, seemingly surpassing Ryan Mathews as the lead guy, not just the goal-line and third-down back. However, a series of minor injuries limited Tolbert somewhat, and as the offensive line lost a guy seemingly every week and Philip Rivers started throwing picks left and right, the Bolts’ offense went down the tubes. The result was that San Diego, which seemed to get a lift from the physical element that Tolbert brings, relied increasingly less on him and made fewer trips inside the red zone, turning Tolbert into basically just a fat afterthought.

Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Michael Vick, QB, Philadelphia
Loaded down with an enormous contract, Vick still had many detractors who said that he wouldn’t be able to duplicate his 2010 success (when he faded down the stretch, a warning sign too many ignored, myself included). Basically, at some point, you simply have to perform. And Vick can’t. And that is why it is time for the world to come to terms with the fact that he is back to being an average NFL quarterback. In the most important four weeks of the season for playoff pursuit, he came up with a combined 10 points (seven, three, DNP, DNP). The reality is that even for the 20 minutes when he was healthy this year, Vick blew. He’s basically become the NFC’s Tim Tebow, only he’s 200 pounds instead of 240, and he can’t finish games. And I’m not even including dog jokes anymore on Vick; he was a bust of epic proportions this year, setting the tone for a dismal year for the Scooters.

Braylon Edwards Bustout Player of the Year: Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans
Nabbing the best tight end in the league with a ninth-round pick was something that worked out this year. With Jeremy Shockey jettisoned to Carolina, I knew Drew Brees was going to fall in love with his new weapon early and often, and I proved to be more right than even I expected. Graham was dominant down the seams and in the red-zone this year, seemingly putting up 15 points a game and giving me a chance pretty much every week. Loved the pick at the time, loved it even more as the season progressed.

Bo Jackson “What Might Have Been” Award: Joseph Addai, RB, Indianapolis
I wasn’t the only one who anticipated a comeback season for Addai, who appeared poised to light it up out of the backfield for the Colts this year. When Peyton Manning went down with another neck injury, he took the entire Indy attack with him. When Addai was then beset with injury, I had to include him in a necessary trade, and what looked like a strong foursome of running backs with breakout potential turned into a liability.

Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: No One, No Position, No Team
I honestly can’t think of anybody who came through in the clutch this year. Seriously. I was positioned for a lot of wins this year if dudes just had average days in primetime matchups, and seemingly each and every time, they came up short.

Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Stevie Johnson, WR, Buffalo
This one was pretty close between Johnson and DeSean Jackson, but I went with Johnson because even though Jackson is pretty stupid and immature, I do think Johnson has some bat-shit craziness to him. After a solid start, he turned into a bitch at the worst possible time, with 29 points total in a vital six-game stretch. He became pretty much unplayable at a crucial part of the season, and was hampered by a seemingly never-ending series of injuries throughout the campaign. Throw in the dropped touchdown passes and he served as a pretty good microcosm of the Scooters’ season.

Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: DeSean Jackson, WR, Philadelphia
I had a lot of viable candidates for this one -- never a good sign for a fantasy football team. But factoring in the “bitch” part of the equation, D-Jax won out here. I mean, he didn’t just have five games with four points or less, including seven total points in a pivotal three-game stretch. He actually slept through a meeting and got suspended for a game at one point. As if that wasn’t hilarious enough, he then cost me a win when he reeled in a 50-yard catch and had it nullified because he threw the ball at an assistant coach on the sideline, earning himself a personal foul and erasing the gain (did I mention it would have won me the week?). He reached nearly comical portions at that point ... but I wasn’t laughing.

Most Consistent Player, Sponsored by IRS: 49ers, D/ST, San Francisco
In what turned out to be a really good trade by me (Addai and a defense for the 49ers D and Kevin Kolb), I grabbed the 49ers defense relatively early in the season. Pretty much every week, I could count on 20-25 points from this unit. It provides a real boost to know you can pencil in that number of points from your D, and between San Fran and Jimmy Graham, I basically started each game with around 40 points. The fact that no one else helped them out notwithstanding, that’s a huge coup for any fantasy GM.

Curtis Enis Huge Disappointment Award: Vick
I try to avoid linking the same player to multiple “awards,” but there’s no way I could give this “honor” to anyone else. Vick not only failed to come up big individually, but he also dragged down DeSean Jackson. For those reasons—and the fact that he was my top draft pick—made this a pretty easy choice for me.

Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Graham
I’ve gone into Graham’s excellence at length, and the only other consideration here was Antonio Brown, my 14th-round draft pick (and potential keeper for next year). As the season progressed, Brown emerged as a real force in the Steelers passing attack, and with Hines Ward possibly retiring, I look for big things from him going forward in Pittsburgh.

Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Denver
I saw this one coming a mile away and it stunk from the start, as I fairly noted just after the draft. But a hamstring injury followed by being buried on the depth chart followed by a blown-out knee? Wow. I don’t see Moreno returning to Denver in any capacity next year, and as far as this year goes, getting next to nothing from your fourth-rounder is a heck of a way to kick off a shoddy season in any league.

Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Stephen Jackson, RB, St. Louis
S-Jax continued as a yardage beast, fighting through a tough first-game injury and, as always, running hard as hell in a disastrous offense. I thought this might be the year that the Rams would put together a respectable attack, with Sam Bradford’s maturation and some intriguing young wideouts. Instead, St. Louis stuck to being St. Louis, and though injuries and lack of touchdowns continued with Jackson, he still contributed respectable numbers in nearly every game.

Eugene Robinson’s Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player: Marcedes Lewis, TE, Jacksonville
To be fair, he was my 11th-round pick, and he was rated much higher than that. But he was also my backup tight end, a hedge against Jimmy Graham not panning out (ha ha hee hee ho ho). But Lewis dropped at least four touchdown passes (including a couple that were mind-bogglingly easy) and finished one game with -4 yards. Negative. I mean, hell, that’s hard to freaking do. So note to self: No more backup tight ends prior to the 14th round or so.

Jamaal Charles Waiver-Wire Pickup of the Year: James Jones, WR, Green Bay
He was pretty hit or miss, granted, either ending up with one catch for eight yards or three catches for 104 yards and a long touchdown. But he was among a few nice transactions during the course of the year, including Cincy RB Bernard Scott and Oakland WR Denarius Moore. Unfortunately, none of them showed the consistency or received the consistent opportunities to emerge as must-start guys.

Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Graham
Another easy one here. Graham delivered No. 1 receiver production from a mandatory-start position, and it didn’t take him long to establish himself as the top fantasy tight end in the NFL this year. What this team needed was other stars to perform as stars, in which case the emergence of guys like Graham and the 49ers defense would have led to a powerhouse team. Instead, Graham and San Fran were the exceptions—players who exceeded expectations instead of hiding from them.

In summary, the bottom line is I have never had a better team that came through with so little production. On paper, I easily had one of the top three teams in the league. But after a mind-numbing series of injuries, on-field choking and off-field incidents, I’m elated and relieved to finally say goodbye to a season to forget.

*Editor's note: This team didn't even warrant the time and energy it takes to break up the text with a picture here and there. So ... yeah.

Ordering A Veggies Delivery From Pizza Hut

2011-11-29T08:14:00.001-05:00

Just in case you missed the latest brainstorm by Congress, to rule pizzas a vegetable for school lunches.

Epic Bridges Carries The Tune Of “Crazy Heart” To Unsuspected Heights

2011-11-28T08:14:00.002-05:00

“Son, I’ve played sick, drunk, divorced and on the run. Bad Blake hasn’t missed a goddam show in his whole fucking life.”

Road-weary, beaten-by-life character gets out of pickup truck. Casually dumps a jug of piss into the parking lot of a bowling alley as he surveys his surroundings. Meaningful sigh as camera pans out to more clearly depict Jeff Bridges.

If you’re not immediately thinking that this is the opening scene of “The Big Lebowksi 2,” you’re simply not human. Yet, instead, this is our introduction to “Crazy Heart”—one of the most stirring and powerful movies of recent vintage.

Based on a novel, and written and directed by Scott Cooper, this flick follows the travails of a washed-up country & western star, Bad Blake, as the last embers of his career slowly fade, shadowing him as he steers himself in a drunken stupor around the United States, sitting in the audience as he trades off on his name for ugly sex in hotel rooms and free booze. His life has become an endless string of motels and prairies, honky tonks peopled with desperate cougars and those trying to hold onto what he once represented. The country and the scenery is undeniably beautiful, but also calls up images of a decaying tumbleweed drifting aimlessly as it approaches a canyon dropoff.

One poignant scene shows this 57-year-old, shirtless, overweight, alcoholic hemorrhoid-stricken has-been … as he delicately takes care of his guitar, silently polishing the only thing that holds any meaning to him in yet another dark, dirty and nondescript hotel room. The comedic intertwines with the tragic when Bridges dedicates a song to an elderly couple, then runs off the stage to throw up.

Created as an amalgam of Waylon Jennings, Kris Kristofferson and Merle Haggard, Blake interweaves a series of memorable lines amidst his train-wreck-ish series of mishaps and stumbles:

Blake on good songs:
“That’s the way it is with good ones—you’re sure you’ve heard it before.”

Blake on agents:
“If you found out your sister was turning $5 tricks, you’d overbook her.”

Blake on fatherhood:
“I wasn’t there even when I was.”

Hope arrives in the form of a small-town reporter named Jean, played by the always-great Maggie Gyllenhaal. In her shy interactions with Blake, we see the seeds of mild flirtation in her interview with the fading star. She obviously looks up to him, but when she asks about kids, he gets upset and quickly ends the interview.

A break-neck-paced courtship ensues, and almost before he realizes it, Blake tells Jean that he loves her. However, after a disturbing wreck and a recovery that features a doctor matter-of-factly telling Blake to stop smoking, stop drinking and lose 25 pounds, he reaches rock bottom. Wracked by withdrawals, Blake seems resigned to live out the rest of his life, feeling it’s much too late to change his course despite the arrival in his life of Jean and her son Buddy.

What once was an empty, depressing life for Blake gathers meaning through Jean and Buddy, with hints of the “Jerry Maguire”-ish premise of finding your purpose and identity through the child rather than the mother. Yet even as Blake attempts to reunite with his now-28-year-old son after nearly a quarter of a century, we see that this isn’t yet who he is, that he isn’t prepared to absorb the body-blows of rejection and accountability. Amazingly, this hard-edged and prickly road warrior is still too fragile and lacking in self-esteem to become the man that Jean sees underneath the surface.

In the most horrifying scene in the movie, Blake loses the child after he stops for a drink in a mall restaurant. He gets called out by a rent-a-cop, then frantically searches for the kid in a truly emotional scene. His slide is heart-breaking, and becomes really difficult to watch.

In terms of issues with the movie, the relatable—and familiar—storyline of his rivalry with up-and-coming star Tommy Sweet is a necessary one, but the casting of Colin Farrell in this role was both odd and off-putting. Sweet was once part of Blake’s band, and viewed Blake as a mentor, but he’s now surpassed Blake in popularity, creating an uncomfortable situation for each of them.

Also, Blake has difficult speech patterns to understand, which is at least partly by design, but can also lead to some unnecessary and story-halting confusion. It can be distracting at key moments. From more of a humorous, blooper perspective, his glasses fall off a couple of times in the movie as well, unintentionally I believe.

America’s grandfather, Robert Duvall (also a producer on the flick), makes a tremendous appearance as Wayne, a bartender and confidant of Blake’s. One of our true cinematic treasures, Duvall adds immensely to the film, combining humor (“Juan, Jesus, whatever”) with a kind of homespun advice and unflinching support of Blake.

With Wayne’s help, Blake finally makes a commitment to wanting to get sober, saying, “I’ve been drunk most of my life, and lost a helluva lot.” He goes to a rehab retreat, making for some powerful scenes. At the retreat, it is as if he is seeing the beauty he never noticed while on the road, drunk, for thousands of miles. It’s as if he is finally coming to a realization of how much he has lost and missed while viewing life through a prism of drunkenness—and what life can look like without that cloud.

When told that he just needs to take it one day at a time, the sarcastic Bad says, “Yeah, I heard that.” But now that he’s sober, he has a rebirth as Otis—his given name. This development points up the good-Bad dichotomy in the film, which represents more than just a play on words. The need to live up to the name and alter ego inherent in the “Bad” character sabotages Otis’s need to leave something lasting in the world beyond his music. Through his evolving humility throughout the arc of the story, Blake even gradually moves from third-person references to first person.

Following his rehab stint, Blake appears at Jean’s house, with the promise, “I’m changing everything.” However, the dawning realization that all he did to get sober and alter his life still didn’t work is written all over his face, creating perhaps the most emotional and poignant scene in the entire film. Jean says, “If you love us, you’ll leave us alone,” and in a truly hard scene, Blake comes home and finds Buddy’s Superman shirt, and he picks up the phone, stares at it, lets the moment linger … then eventually hangs it up.

He writes a song for her called “One More Try,” but 16 months pass before he sees her again. For Blake, the gift of meeting her—and Buddy—saves his life. In a full-circle moment, the movie ends as it began, with an interview between Blake and (a now-married) Jean, now with a much more beautiful setting and backdrop. The pain evident in his face when he first sees and reacts to her wedding ring is jarring, and some viewers may even find it a little dusty in the theater or wherever you’re watching.

Bridges has always been vastly underrated, and his performance in this one makes it impossible for him to maintain that label—especially when you take into account a little thing called the Academy Award for Best Actor. He also demonstrates his other talents in the musical category, which led him to record his own album following the completion of this movie. His work is supplemented perfectly by that of Gyllenhall, who earned an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress.

Overall, "Crazy Heart" is a tremendous and moving film, spurred by an epic performance from Bridges, nuanced sublety from Gyllenhaal and a strong soundtrack ( “Weary Kind,” written by T. Bone Burnett and Ryan Bingham won the Academy Award for Best Original Song). It is truly and simply a beautiful film, not just for those who love music (but especially so for you) … and even the Dude would abide that assessment.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: Ohio State Goes From The Frying Pan Into The Fire, Plus Matt Moore’s Arm Punts Lift Miami

2011-11-25T08:21:00.000-05:00

Twice he did up and quit
A douche more than a little bit
Urban keeps up the lies
Will join the cheatin’ Buckeyes
To see how the vest does fit

If it wasn’t for bad luck
My team wouldn’t suck
A team full of chokers
Frauds, busts and jokers
Fantasy season ain’t worth a &uck

Rough few weeks to be fair
Tired of the doctor’s chair
Grateful to be living
Wish you a happy T’giving
Relaxation would certainly be rare

A season of hiccups and burps
Then destroyed the Tiger twerps
Helped Clemson remember
They’re Clemson in November
Now will they choke vs. the Terps?

Three in a freaking row?
Still such a long way to go
No more Suck for Luck
All in like a Matt Moore duck
A rainbow in a season of woe

Last time …

Hank Williams Jr. Meets Saturday Night Live

2011-11-21T08:11:00.000-05:00

I'm a little late to the party on this one obviously, but I have to wonder: how funny could this skit have been in SNL still had legitimate talent?

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: Coach K Now Has As Many Wins As Shoe Polish Bottles For His Hair, Plus Iffy Times At State

2011-11-18T08:03:00.000-05:00

“The Rat,” his moniker to this day
Three-pointers and flops his favored play
Just don’t hold him up to the light
Tho less of a douche than Knight
A begrudging congrats for Coach K

The authorities getting bold
Pepper spraying an 84-year-old
Look out for a police smackdown
During the Occupy crackdown
Is this how democracy will unfold?

No global warming, some say
Depends on who’s in charge of their pay
Insane weather all year
Sparking calamity and fear
How about an 80-degree Turkey Day?

Needing some pain relief
Going to lose a few teeth
So ignore my cries
And the fact I’m less wise
I’ll have the soup, not the beef

Very little shot at bowlin’
As coach, looks like he’s out strollin’
O’Brien is walking on the edge
As Pack fans lean out on a ledge
Now he gets recruiting rollin’?!

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 48

2011-11-17T08:33:00.001-05:00

#1
When Ghandi wrote to Hitler.
Those words should have your attention. Fascinating.

#2
So, what would happen if football players boycotted a minor bowl game to bring attention to the issue of paying student-athletes? Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! would like to find out.

#3
Just in case “Modern Family” hasn’t won you over yet, here’s a brilliant ode to this masterpiece of comedic television.

#4
I go back and forth on how I feel about Joe Posnanski’s writing, but I had no qualms with his beautiful tribute to the Chicago Cubs.

#5
I see you working, Beeri. Clever.

Beeri from redpepper on Vimeo.

#6
Word creation time is here:
“adversatility” => When you are flexible enough to take on a wide variety of problems at once.

#7
One of the intense and powerful new shows of the season is “Persons of Interest.” While some of the premise may seem far-fetched, reading this article on cloud-powered facial recognition software can show you (in a terrifying way) just how close it is to reality.

#8
Gary Smith’s profile of Jerry West in Sports Illustrated, titled “Basketball was the Easy Part,” was one of the most stunningly well-written pieces of sports journalism I’ve ever read. A must-read for anyone who does any sort of writing for a living.

#9
You can chalk it up as yet another missed opportunity to promote its brand for NC State: the Pack had little to no storylines coming out of wearing landmark black uniforms with pink numbering and red helmets against Central Michigan. The uniforms were a huge departure for conservative coach Tom O’Brien, and for a great cause as well, yet there was little to no media coverage for it. And State once again fails Marketing 101.

#10
And on a final note, arguably the most amazing photograph I’ve ever seen.

Rivers Wasn't Having A Bad Enough Year?!

2011-11-15T11:44:00.007-05:00

Looks like Target ordered the wrong NC State ~~Ragin' Cajuns~~ Wolfpack jerseys. Or else there's a surprisingly large Louisiana-Lafeyette demographic in Raleigh, N.C.

Philip Rivers is weeping somewhere.

In “The Tillman Story,” The Murder Of Pat Tillman Shows The Depths Senior Officials Will Go To Obscure The Truth

2011-11-14T07:51:00.002-05:00

“The real test of a man is not when he plays the role he wants for himself, but when he plays the role destiny has for him.” —Jan Patocka

“This isn’t about Pat. This is about what they did to a nation.” –Dannie Tillman

“The Tillman Story” is the tale of a man who bucked the system and lost his life in the most unfathomable way. It’s the story of a fierce family that wouldn’t accept a cover-up or heed the military’s ~~warnings~~ advice to quietly go away and mourn. It’s the account of the bravery of fellow soldiers Russell Baer and Bryan O’Neal to eventually speak out on what really happened to Pat Tillman in the mountains of Afghanistan in 2004.

By now, you probably know the backstory of Tillman, who famously gave up a multimillion-dollar NFL contract to enlist and eventually become a U.S. Army Ranger. It would be easy to paint him as the hero, in strokes that have become so familiar to his legend ... but the hero of the story really turns out to be Dannie Tillman, the mother who bulldogs for the truth until she can no longer be ignored. In her quest, she turns to Stan Goff, an ex-paramilitary blogger, whose involvement certainly adds a lot to the hunt and the story, especially with his description of figuring out redacted records being much like doing a crossword puzzle and his reference to politics as “theatrical wrestling.”

Of course, Tillman has aquired a mythical public dimension, but all his family asks is for accuracy. The understandably bitter and brutally honest youngest brother, Rich, says, “He’s now what these people wished he was,” touching on the idea that Tillman has been turned into something that Pat wouldn’t exactly have endorsed. Like many of those who knew him best, the youngest brother bristles at how much Tillman has been turned into a mascot—the exact thing Pat would have rebelled against. How could a guy who wanted to keep the decision to enlist with Kevin private and secret also endorse being a symbol of the military and sacrifice?

“We’ll turn his dead body into a recruiting poster,” said Goff at one point, summing up the thinking of the powers-that-be.

Goff’s quote points up the almost mind-numbing hypocrisy inherent in the entire situation. The ineptitude of the government led us into a war we never should have been in. The ineptitude of the military killed Pat Tillman. And then that government and that military used that murder to promote the war? The film forces us to ask the question: What kind of sick circular logic is that?!

Outrageous and atrocity are other words that are peppered throughout the film. As the story progresses, we come to realize that there was not an ambush at all, which was the excuse given for Tillman’s death. Later, it was revealed that all of Tillman’s possessions were destroyed in a “fire,” which fueled not only belief that it was friendly fire, but that Tillman could possibly even have been murdered.

There is some mention of political aspirations, and whether Pat Tillman really had them or not. The unquestioned reality is that Tillman was becoming disillusioned with the war and the propaganda, and was even entertaining a return to football, having talked to Dave McGinnis, his former coach with the Cardinals, about the prospect.

I have no doubt that the full scenario of the gunplay was not fully covered in the movie and that the complete, accurate account may never be known; yet I think it’s safe to say that something occurred that wasn’t truthfully documented.

“They made up a story,” said Dannie.

“What he’s saying here is a complete lie,” said O’Neal, when shown videotape of testimony by another soldier asked about the circumstances surrounding Tillman’s murder.

As the story kept changing, Tillman’s father penned a letter that ended with “fuck you,” which unwittingly triggered a new, official, 18-month investigation that stretched all the way up to Commander of Joint Special Operations Command Stanley McCrystal, but settled for Lieutenant Colonel Ralph Kauzlarich.

The dominant scene of the entire episode was the final Congressional hearing, which was a complete sham full of lies, half-truths and claims of misremembrances, eroding any faith that even the most cynical of observers might still have had in our government. It’s apparent to everyone that the lies go all the way to the top, and when accountability never enters the equation at any stage, it’s fair to ask where this stuff actually ends.

This documentary by director Amir Bar-Levy (and narrated by Josh Brolin) is tremendously well-done, evoking Michael Moore documentaries with its depth of investigative reporting and research. The biggest missing piece was the absence of Kevin, Pat’s older brother and best friend, in the documentary, though it is obviously understandable why he might not have wanted to contribute.

“The Tillman Story” is a celebration of the chase for truth and honor at all costs and despite all obstacles, and was rightly nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at the 2010 Sundance Film Festival. Be warned, though; as well put-together as it is, it ~~will~~ should also fill you with rage.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXII: Time To Burn Down Happy Valley, Plus The Bell Tolls For Smokin’ Joe

2011-11-11T08:16:00.002-05:00

Of Penn State, he was the face
Or maybe the nose, in his case
Legend ruined the end
By protecting his friend
JoePa: from here to disgrace

Slipped his mind during a debate
Forgot who he was supposed to hate
Rick Perry, a not-so-funny joke
The latest GOP pretender to choke
The Tea Bag Party deserves this failure fate

New favorite “Office” character is Kevin
Favorite scandal dude is Shapiro, Nevin
Glad the Dolphins got one win
Fantasy season in the trash bin
Some things I’ll remember about 11-11-11

Wanted to be big-time like Trojans or ‘Noles
So UNC sold their pansy souls
You reap what you sow
Got boot-stomped five in a row
Your flagship has a lot of Holes

Gave Ali all he could handle and mo’
A warrior who could whip any foe
He was all substance and class
Even when he was handed his ass
RIP to a true champ, Smokin’ Joe

Last time …

OccupyEverything

2011-11-10T07:46:00.000-05:00

This epic "occupy" protest sign was spotted in Brighton, England. Who says that the British aren't sarcastic (answer: no one)?

And on a lighter note, OccupyTattooine is gaining a lot of momentum in the binary star systems ...

It's Been One Of Those Kinds Of Days

2011-11-09T15:35:00.003-05:00

There is so much about this photo that is right.

Depiction Of A Lost Soul Adrift On The River Of Life, “Suttree” Represents An Occasionally Comedic Departure For Cormac McCarthy

2011-11-07T08:16:00.003-05:00

“In my father’s last letter he said that the world is run by those willing to take the responsibility for the running of it. If it is life that you feel you are missing I can tell you where to find it. In the law courts, in business, in government. There is nothing occurring in the streets. Nothing but a dumbshow composed of the helpless and the impotent.”

“Ruder forms survive.”

“That’s where you’re wrong my friend. Everything’s important. A man lives his life, he has to make that important. Whether he’s a small town county sheriff or the president. Or a busted out bum. You might even understand that some day. I don’t say you will. You might.”

It took me quite a while to finish “Suttree,” but that was to be expected, given Cormac McCarthy’s penchant for using sibylline, attenuated, recherche words (see what I did there?). Yet it in this language that he builds the description and atmosphere—with unbelievably powerful similes—that truly set his stories apart. There is a need to read McCarthy slowly, lest you miss some of the nuance he brings; what may look like a throwaway sentence at first glance may reveal a sublime subtlety should give it the time and attention it desires.

Yes, it can make for a difficult read and some self-education on certain aspects of grammar and punctuation, and there is no argument against the fact that McCarthy makes you work for it (personally, I think he uses language as a riddle, mostly to amuse himself) ... but the payoff is always worth the investment with this brilliant writer.

“Life in small places, narrow crannies. In the leaves, the toad’s pulse. The delicate cellular warfare in a waterdrop.”

“In these silent sunless galleries he’d come to feel that another went before him and each glade he entered seemed just quit by a figure who’d been sitting there and risen and gone on. Some doublegoer, some othersuttree eluded him in these woods and he feared that should that figure fail to rise and steal away and were he therefore to come to himself in this obscure wood he’d be neither mended nor made whole but rather set mindless to dodder drooling with his ghostly clone from sun to sun across a hostile hemisphere forever.”

“He leaned against the viaduct rail. Spat numbly at the tracks down there. At the dreams implicit in their endless steel reachings.”

“That was in nineteen and thirty-one and if I live to be a hunnerd year old I don’t think I’ll ever see anything as pretty as that train on fire goin up that mountain and around the bend and them flames lightin up the snow and the trees and the night.”

Any difficulties with vocabulary (much of it biblical in nature, offset by some startling instances of obscenity) and difficult pacing are more than offset by the brilliant dialogue. In exchanges with Ab Jones, a goatherder, the Indian, a fisherman and a hunter, the give-and-take is incredibly poignant, revealing and well-done by McCarthy. Among these similes and metaphors, the most obvious is Cornelius Suttree’s life playing out like his workaday fisherman routine—drifting on the river, taken any which way by the current, with no desire for control over his path or destination.

As his life disintegrated, it becomes apparent that it was no accident that Suttree chose to become a fisherman, due to these qualities. Suttree appears to always be chasing a past he can’t catch up to and doesn’t realize he never will. In the meantime, life just happens to him—he doesn’t appear to be an active participant. We are shown over and over that leaving is what Suttree is truly best at, and even when he takes action, such as destroying a cop car, it is really just a benign act of defiance on behalf of a wronged friend.

“His eyes beheld the country he was passing through but did not mark it. He was a man with no plans for going back the way he’d come nor telling any soul at all what he had seen.”

“Suttree” is dominated by a very melancholy feel overall, punctuated by McCarthy staples: the questioning of the pointlessness and inevitable decline of things. Set in Knoxville, Tennessee—namely, along the Tennessee River—in the early 1950s, the work is dark and overtly pessimistic, occasionally featuring jarring shifts in narrative from third to first person. The pervasive racism (one fellow’s name is actually “Nigger”) can be unsettling, but the themes that truly permeate the book are decay and breakdown. We see that Knoxville’s underbelly is dominated by a community of aimless downtrodden, who are all drawn to each other. McCarthy paints a lecherous and dangerous Knoxville, with evil, sin or both seemingly lurking around every corner. Loneliness dominates, with the weather beginning to match the feeling and tone of the book later on, as Knoxville is beset with a harsh winter and bitter cold.

The bookliner notes that Suttree comes from a prominent family, but I didn’t quite get that from the book. However, we are told that Suttree disappoints his father by marrying a common housekeeper, which sets the direction for what his life would become. The absent father leads the reader to wonder whether Suttree views the ragman as a father figure, a representation of the father-son relationship that he is missing. The ragpicker is also the focal point of Suttree’s occasional self-righteousness, even in the face of his own dreams in which he is put on trial for living below his station.

“You have no right to represent people this way, he said. A man is all men. You have no right to your wretchedness.”

Suttree also appears to be haunted in many ways by the specter of the twin who died at childbirth, unable to bear up under the pressure of earning the life that his twin’s death enabled. The terms “antisuttree” and “othersuttree” are used to describe the double nature of Suttree’s life in the book. The words point up the idea that Suttree doesn’t exactly know who he is, and is trying to live a second life in part to make up for the loss of his twin.

When his own child dies unexpectedly well into the book, a door is opened into Suttree’s dark past, but more questions arise then answers given: What did he do to engender such hate from his in-laws and former community? What happened to his marriage? What did his going to university have to do with any of it?

Suddenly and out of nowhere, we are introduced to the one-of-a-kind Gene “Countrymouse” Harrogate, a difficult-to-like 18-year-old who eventually finds his way into Knoxville’s criminal class by way of, well, banging watermelons (leading McCarthy to refer to him as the “moonlight melonmounter”). As his naivete is exposed in nearly every way possible in the prison, he comes across Suttree, who can’t help but take the innocent (in every way except for criminally) youngster under his wing. Exactly what Suttree did to land in the workhouse for seven months is never exactly shared, but it’s not hard to understand that he has been swept away by the wrong crowd, and that he was probably left there after their tide receded.

Though he can plainly see Harrogate’s imminent demise unfolding in slow-motion, Suttree is powerful to stop it, despite many warnings and offers of help. As the story progresses, we wonder whether Suttree is supposed to be a father or brother figure to Gene—his main feeling toward him appears to be pity, yet he can’t resist him and he looks out for Harrogate in what could be construed as a brotherly way.

Harrogate, referred to aptly as a “white boychild,” comes in and out of the story at various times throughout the book, with many of his escapades marked by the killing or torturing of animals (including one scene nearly straight out of “Lord of the Flies”). His grandiose ideas to rip off payphones, tunnel under the city to dynamite his way into a bank, kill rabid bats for money and others belie the dismal, sad and despairing state of Harrogate’s life. We are even left to wonder at one point whether Harrogate is the serial killer that is wandering around Knoxville, but as suddenly as he entered the tale, he leaves it, having been caught and sent off to prison again.

Increasingly, Suttree begins to take on Harrogate-like qualities, until we are faced with the truth that he isn’t much better than Gene after all. When Suttree comes into $300 due to his uncle dying, he burns through the money in no time, attempting to chase the maxim that if you look good, you feel good, dressing himself up in nifty threads—but the end result is akin to putting lipstick on a pig. As a blackout drunk, he never learns, bringing out an anger and frustration within the reader who has to live through it with Suttree.

For much of book, we are forced to ponder Suttree’s mental state. Even from early stages of the book, the reader is faced with contemplating whether Suttree is going crazy, and whether the tale is comprised of our acceptance that we are witness to the slow dissipation of sanity in our main character and narrator. At one point, we speculate whether he is brain-damaged as the result of a horrific fight that left him nigh-on death. Also, mental illness would appear to be a part of his family (hell, when your sister mistakes your dead twin as a babydoll, how does one overcome such a thing?!). His journey into nature feels like a bit of a bad trip (talking to trees, seeing elves, living through vivid daytime dreams), and his attempts to go sober appear to speed his descent into madness. Wandering through the Tennessee mountains and wilderness, crossing over into North Carolina, Suttree is forced to come to terms with his own loneliness and the empty path of his life.

Somewhat unexpectedly, McCarthy mixes in a lot of humor in this novel, making this a much funnier read than his other works. Great nicknames, hilarious imagery, depictions of truly epic benders and turns of phrase such as “crotch crickets” brought out needed laughs amidst the overwhelmingly depressing qualities that overhang the book. Here’s a small sampling:

“I think you better put it down before it puts you down. You’ll find your liver in your sock some morning.”

“Makes your liver quiver.”

“This son of a bitch drives like a drunk indian goin after more whiskey.”

“An enormous fart ripped through the lunchroom, stilling the muted noontime clink of cutlery and cup clatter, stunning the patrons, rattling the café to silence … J-Bone, in the booth alone, wrinkled his face. After a minute he climbed out onto the aisle. Lordy, he said. I don’t believe I can stand it my ownself.”

“The sun like a bunghole to a greater hell beyond.”

“Hell fire, son, you aint never heard a snore. I’ll put my old lady up against any three humans or one moose.”

Suttree’s relationship with religion appears to be a major feature of the plot as well. After a particularly sinister activity involving dumping a dead body into the river, he is propelled back to church, with many intimations that he was raised to be God-fearing—even that he was an alterboy. This imagery is countered by Suttree’s fascination with the dark arts practiced by an old “nigger witch,” who he visits multiple times under the guise of helping others, but with the pull really being that he is searching for meaning to his existence, any compelling reason to go on. McCarthy also repeats imagery about a “quaking sky,” describing it as a hellish void over and over again.

“No one wants to die.
“Shit, said the ragpicker. Here’s one that sick of livin.
“Would you give all you own?
“The ragman eyed him suspiciously but he did not smile. It wont be long, he said. An old man’s days are hours.
“And what happens then?
“When?
“After you’re dead.
“Don’t nothin happen. You’re dead.
“You told me once you believed in God.
“The old man waved his hand. Maybe, he said. I got not reason to think he believes in me. Oh I’d like to see him for a minute if I could.
“What would you say to him?
“Well, I think I’d just tell him. I’d say: Wait a minute. Wait just one minute before you start in on me. Before you say anything, there’s just one thing I’d like to know. And he’ll say: What’s that? And then I’m goin to ast him: What did you have me in that crapgame down there for anyway? I couldn’t put any part of it together.
“Suttree smiled. What do you think he’ll say?
“The ragpicker spat and wiped his mouth. I don’t believe he can answer it, he said. I don’t believe there is a answer.”

I also felt that McCarthy purposely added some ambiguity to Suttree’s sexuality. He appears asexual at times, homosexual at times and fiercely heterosexual at others. In the two meaningful relationships he has with females in the book, he leaves one, Wanda, after a tragic landslide that kills her, leaving us to wonder what he might have done to help; in the other, he enters into a tremendously confusing and odd arrangement with a prostitute, Joyce. In the latter relationship, he expresses no feelings and the narrator offers no insights into Suttree’s detachment or emotions. There is also a sexual morbidity to his dealings with the old seer, especially when he is raped by her in a dreamstate.

The New York Times described the book as a “doomed Huckleberry Finn,” and I found myself wondering at the end whether it was actually a treatise on determinism, loneliness and death. Hanging above all of Suttree’s relationships is the reality of his searing loneliness, no matter how invested or involved he may be with another human being at the time.

“She had knelt beside him and nibbled at his ear. Her soft breast against his arm. Why then this loneliness?”

“She was shouting at him some half drunken imprecations, all he could make out was his name. He seemed to have heard it all before and he kept on going.”

“My life is ghastly, he told the grass.”

“I have a thing to tell you. I know all souls are one and all souls lonely.”

Suttree feels cursed by fate and constantly pursued by death, so it’s natural that the themes of destiny and fate are so prevalent throughout the tale. It also helps to explain why he is so drawn to and dominated by tragedies. Besides the rock slide, he sits down at another point to watch a building burn to the ground, and McCarthy’s prose itself is rampant with allusions to fate and destiny:

“He looked at the gray sky but it did not change and the river was always the same.”

“He was seized with a thing he’d never known, a sudden understanding of the mathematical certainy of death. He felt his heart pumping down there under the palm of his hand. Who tells it so? Could a whole man not author his own death with a thought? Shut down the ventricle like the closing of an eye?”

“But there are no absolutes in human misery and things can always get worse, only Suttree didn’t say so.”

“Curious the small and lesser fates that join to lead a man to this.”

“How’d it start?
“Suttree looked down. A little man was leaning to him with the question.
“I don’t know, said Suttree. How all things start.”

“Suttree among others, sad children of the fates whose home is the world, all gathered here a little while to forestall the going there.”

“Merceline Essary that they said would not never walk on this earth again by men was doctors come under me and I rewalked her in three days. She originally died in October of last year and she walked to that day.
“I can walk, said Suttree.
“You can walk, she said. But you caint see where you goin.
“Can you?
“To know what will come is the same as to make it so.”

Suttree conducts a very revealing and telling self-interview upon returning to the river late in the book. The scene is so poignant that, in my opinion, the book really could have ended at that point, with the chapter ending with seeing him “passing under the bridge.”

In what serves as the proverbial last straw, he makes a miraculous recovery from typhoid fever and escapes the hospital, only to find that his home has been long inhabited by a rotting corpse. After he decides to leave Knoxville for good, in the final scene, Suttree encounters an angelic boy ladling out water to parched road workers, and he eventually offers the spoon to Suttree, who recognizes a younger version of himself in the lad. Yet we are still left to ponder whether he finally has any self-awareness at the end, or whether he will go on blaming Tennessee and the river for his problems.

“God must have been watching over you. You very nearly died.
“You would not believe what watches.
“Oh?
“He is not a thing. Nothing ever stops moving.
“Is that what you learned?
“I learned that there is one Suttree and one Suttree only.
“I see, said the priest.
“Suttree shook his head. No, he said. You don’t.”

In the spirit of honesty, I have to share that this was the least favorite of the McCarthy books I’ve read thus far, paling in comparison to “The Road” and “Blood Meridian.” That being said, I appreciated the different style of writing, the ability to shift prose, a quality I’ve long admired in proven, brilliant authors. I was glad to see McCarthy’s willingness to incorporate humor into his writing, which he pulled off well.

And though I do slot this piece behind some of the iconic works of McCarthy’s stellar career, it comfortably resides as yet another tremendous example of novel writing from an American treasure.

“You’re not the only one that’s right.
“The ragman looked up warily.
“We’re all right, said Suttree.
“We’re all fucked, said the ragman.”

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: T.J. Warren Runs With The Pack, Plus "Short-Time" Withers Never Heard The One About Glass Houses

2011-11-04T07:45:00.002-05:00

A recruiting haul that’s first-rate
After a legacy commit for State
The versatile T.J. Warren
Saw the Pack as a giant snorin’
Could wins come sooner, not late?

Four games left, maybe more
Sitting in contention at 4-4
Tough lineup calls left to fates
As an undefeated team awaits
C’mon Scooters -- knock down that door!

Celebrity points for having a fat ass
Headlines for being a ho-bag, and crass
That’s the society we live in
Where fame to the rich is given
Do we have to give a shit? I’ll pass

One coach eats plenty of sod
The other is a douchebag clod
Miles has LSU rollin’
Saban won’t have home field stolen
Hope the Tigers can run roughsod

A dead man walking named Withers
For players, his Heels were highest bidders
When you’re graded on touchy-feely
Grad rates are as easy as Swahili
Your flagship has sunk amidst cheaters and quitters

Last time …

Why Some People Are Scared Of Coffee Shops

2011-11-02T08:15:00.000-05:00

Coffee Snobs from Frankie Shaw

The comedic universality of this (is "barrista" a fancy Spanish word for "snob"?) lies in the fact that we have all dealt with this in one form or another.

Billy Corgan Approves This Halloween Message

2011-10-31T08:08:00.001-05:00

As someone who has smashed more than his fair share of pumpkins (ah, pumpkin bowling, how thee are missed) in his day, this brings a tear of nostalgia to my eye.

Happy Halloween ...

"I Know It Was Just The Dolphins, But ..."

2011-10-29T08:30:00.001-05:00

The Dolphins got clowned on "South Park." Perhaps the final step toward irrelevancy is now complete.

"Screw you guys ... I'm going home."

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: The Cover-Up Crumbling On Cheater Hill?, Plus Amerson Leads The Pick-Six-Pack

2011-10-28T08:09:00.000-05:00

Black Santa loved barbecue and cake
Bought players and was on the take
Rep preceded him by a mile
Cheated with Butch with a smile
Ladies and gents, that’s John Blake

Colts, Rams and ‘Fins all suck
And look like they don’t give a f@$%
Painter is killing Indy
So Miami signed Losman, J.P.
To even the battle for one Andrew Luck

Countries leaderless and in hock
7 billion now on our spinning rock
Lack of resources but plenty of pain
How many can we sustain
If Mother Nature we continue to mock?

The NBA was once starry
Now driven itself into a quarry
Heard of a lockout from a stranger
Said the season is in danger
But haven’t really noticed, sorry

He’s covered a lot of D holes
Filling a lot of playmaker roles
The D.A. has ruled
Another quarterback fooled
Can he keep it up vs. the ‘Noles?

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 47

2011-10-27T08:21:00.000-05:00

#1
This video-game satire commercial for Gamewave is just freaking brilliant, including one of the best taglines of all-time: “Vaginas might not even exist, for all you know!”

#2
In 2005, David Foster Wallace gave a commencement speech at Kenyon College. And it was eye-opening and borderline genius, challenging default settings and the way you can choose—yes, choose—to look at the world. It rocked me. And that is a good thing.

#3
Just in case you were interested in a take on Occupy Wall Street from a decidedly British perspective.

#4
Only NC State would have a weekly interview with the team physician on the radio. I mean, seriously, that says it all about the injury situation seemingly every year in Raleigh.

#5
As someone who digs musical documentaries (or rock-you-mentaries), I have to say that the “From the Sky Down” documentary of U2 looks pretty freaking amazing.

#6
I’ll go ahead and say that this guy pretty much misses the boat on UNC, but all in all, this Pitt fan’s open letter to the ACC is hysterically accurate.

#7
Interested in uplifting news coming out of Africa as a change of pace? Then this positively mesmerizing photography of East African wildlife is for you.

#8
No one had really taken a shot at Bill “Rotten Tuna” Parcells since Jeremy Shockey called him ghey a few years back, so I’m glad somebody finally got around to eviscerating him. I just wish it was a writer who wasn’t quite as lazy and self-promotional as Jason Whitlock.

#9
A not-so-popular view of Steve Jobs here in the wake of the post-mortem Jobs jobs going on, but one that certainly deserves -- and needs -- to be considered as well.

#10
The disappearance of Borders has met with little fanfare in most quarters. Until this epic goodbye letter from a Borders employee hit the Intertubes.

Beauty, As Defined By The Feynman Series

2011-10-26T08:14:00.000-05:00

Again, one of those things where I really have nothing to add. Just ... watch.

Beauty Rediscovered In A Sound

2011-10-25T08:13:00.000-05:00

Saw this emotional video on BoingBoing of a 29-year-old deaf woman hearing herself for the first time, thanks to a hearing implant.

"You're Not My Father!"

2011-10-24T08:16:00.000-05:00

Honestly, the truth about Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker is pretty heavy news for a 4-year-old to take.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Will Anybody Occupy The Government, Plus Last Call In The Bosox Dugout

2011-10-21T08:06:00.001-05:00

We are the 99%, they say
Fed up with the Wall Street way
Lie, cheat and steal
Drink champagne with every meal
Will anything ever change in our day?

Always been a douchey prick
Just part of Harbaugh’s schtick
A ‘roids hand shake
A shove as icing on cake
Can’t wait ‘til he gets that ass kicked

56 wild beasts set free
Most killed in a shooting spree
The owner is to blame
Still such a downright shame
Used the right word: menagerie

Qaddafi has been killed, at last
Can’t make up for his tyrant past
In a more than 40-year reign
Inflicted terror and pain
Wish Libya democracy, and fast

As Bosox Nation sat in tears
The team sat back and drank beers
Choked on the field with a “gack”
Then choked Sam Adams back
Not giving a shit among drunken peers

Last time …

Halfway Home, The Scooters Claw Their Way To .500 Mark

2011-10-19T08:13:00.002-05:00

After a litany of injuries to kick off the campaign, my squad underperformed early on, dropping its first three games. Instead of bailing out of the free-agency and transaction market at that point though, I stayed the course, confident that the Scooters would reward my faith—and they did just that, reeling off three consecutive victories to even its record at 3-3 at the halfway point.
Here’s a quick look at some of what has transpired thus far ...

What’s Worked:

Sure, Stephen Jackson has been solid when healthy, Steve Johnson has been about what I expected and the San Francisco defense/special teams has come through with some stellar performances.

But Jimmy Graham has absolutely carried the Scooters at times. He’s hasn’t been putting up touchdowns so much, but he is putting up insane yardage numbers (four straight 100-yard outings for a tight end?!). It’s too much to expect him to keep up his torrid pace, but if some of my other studs can finally get untracked, he’ll get the help he needs in my lineup.

What Hasn’t:

Injuries. Plus, injuries. Also, injuries.

Beyond that, Michael Vick has woefully underperformed, Desean Jackson has been spotty at best, Mike Tolbert has yielded to Ryan Mathews faster than expected, Lance Moore has struggled to find his role in the Saints offense, and kicker Matt Bryant has gotten fewer chances than expected from the Falcons offense.

In fact, it’s what hasn’t worked that well to date that gives me the most optimism about my second-half chances. I know what these guys—especially Vick and Jackson—are capable of, and if they can play up to even some of those expectations, the Scooters are poised for a nifty run.

Worst Move:

As I predicted at the time, the selection of Knowshon Moreno has hurt the Scooters badly. He got hurt almost immediately, then got stuck behind Willis McGahee and has rarely been heard from since.

Best Move:

Snaring Bernard Scott off waivers soon after the news broke of Cedric Benson’s three-game suspension hasn’t turned out to pay off yet, but it paved the way for some shrewd roster management for the Scooters. With Stephen Jackson coming off IR, I had to get rid of a running back, so instead of having to cut Moreno or Joseph Addai, I thought Addai had enough name recognition to still warrant something in trade. I wasn’t looking for much: an upgrade at D/ST and a competent backup quarterback.

I found a trade partner who sent me Kevin Kolb and the 49ers defense for Chad Henne, Joseph Addai and the Bengals D/ST (which wasn’t performing at the time). San Fran has been big-time for me, while he has lost Henne and Addai to injury, though Cincy has been playing strong defense this year. Anyway, it was a good example of getting something instead of just jettisoning someone with some value.

Outlook:

There’s no hiding the fact that the Scooters are going to need a lot more from Vick and D-Jax, including at least a couple of those long-distance connections that were so common a season ago. However, both guys are capable of exploding for huge games at any time, so if early standouts like Graham and the 49ers D/ST can just hold serve, this team has all the pieces necessary to make a lot of noise down the stretch in my 14-team league.

“Treme” Plays The Melody Of A City Searching For Itself Amidst The Rubble

2011-10-17T08:00:00.002-05:00

“Truth doesn’t set them free sometimes; it’s just another burden they have to bear.”

The plight of musicians in post-Katrina New Orleans has long been a subject that’s fascinated me. So imagine my excitement when HBO elected to take on the premise in its tremendous series, “Treme,” named for a historical black neighborhood in the Big Easy. This journey takes folks on a powerful, emotional journey through a decimated city and a lost culture, through the eyes of those who are still trying to find a way to reclaim and preserve what it once was.

Created by David Simon (the genius behind “The Wire”) and Eric Overmyer (a part-time resident of New Orleans), “Treme” uses a neighborhood as an analogy for an entire city. Set three months after Hurricane Katrina, it sets its lens to take an unflinching look at racism, political corruption, police ineptitude (and worse), federal ignorance—and how all those variables conspired to result in the abandonment of one of the country’s most beloved places. The Indian chiefs’ preservation of its hard-earned tradition, the struggle to open housing to those in need, the fight to retain the smiling spirit that permeates the city, the quest for closure for loved ones lost, the pursuit of ways to right long-standing wrongs … “Treme” uses these storylines and more in a breathtaking first season.

Casting was inevitably going to play a huge role in the success or failure of “Treme,” and Simon and Overmyer made some unconventional decisions from the start. This series examines the healing nature of music, its transcendant quality to take people away to a different, better place. And in an effort to retain and highlight that singular importance of music, they elected to use a host of real-life musicians, most notably in the case of Lucia Micareli, who plays immensely talented but relationship-challenged Annie.

Elsewhere, Simon and Overmyer hit the nail on the head with the strong-willed bar owner Ladonna (Khandi Alexander), purposely isolated even inside her marriage; the musician Antoine Batiste (Wendell Pierce), a prideful but immoral hustler; the driven lawyer Toni Bernette (Melissa Leo), a champion of the people; the rising jazz star Delmon Landreaux (Rob Brown), conflicted about whether to embrace his future or honor his past; and the chef and restauranteur Janette Desautel (Kim Dickens), exasperated and questioning her way of life.

Yet for all of these vital characters, the story is driven by the trio of Creighton Bernette (John Goodmon), Albert Lambreaux (Clarke Peters) and Davis McAlary (Steve Zahn). Bernette is a regional mouthpiece with writer’s block, a professor and author with a voice that demands to be heard, yet is struggling with which medium to use. Lambreaux is an Indian chief with a solemn countenance and a refusal to accept the loss of culture and tradition that has stolen so much from the essence of the Ninth Ward. And McAlary (tremendously portrayed by a series-stealing Zahn) is part-activist, part-hustler, part-musician and part-comedian, who rebuffs his family’s money as he tries to find his own path by determining what role he can best play to save the city he holds so dear.

But the real gift “Treme” delivers is its unquestionable authenticity. And it is that authenticity that is the biggest gift this television show gives to the city of New Orleans.

Simon and Overmyer use a pre-storm flashback near the end of the season to lend context that had been missing throughout, then end the initial season the same way as the first episode ended—fittingly, with a second-line dance. There is a singular moment of loss, of giving up, that for many will dominate the overall impression of the first season. Yet the true message conveyed is that people are complicated; they’re not black or white, good or bad … they are blends of both. And no matter what, life goes on. The dance continues.

In a pivotal scene, Davis courts Janette and guides her through the city in an attempt to remind her of all the city still has to offer, even in the face of so much pain and failure. His effort to convince her not to move to New York serves to mirror the argument being made in the series at large. That New Orleans needs more of the people that comprise its soul to stay. That New Orleans needs to reverse the tide of its citizens heading away from the city and draw them back in. That New Orleans needs those willing to fight for it, to accept what has been lost and to embrace what might still be built.

When Janette tells him that a po’boy is just a sandwich, Davis appears both shocked and offended. “Po’boys aren’t sandwiches,” he says, seriously. “They’re a way of life.”

And it is that way of life that “Treme” depicts so acutely.

“That moment can’t happen in New York,” he tells her after a front-porch serenade by famous New Orleans musician John Boutte. “New Orleans needs you.”

Capturing those moments, and defining that need, are what makes “Treme” so extraordinary.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Spurrier Puts Hypocrisy On Display, Plus It’s Outta-Town Time

2011-10-14T08:17:00.001-05:00

Attacking the media, dope?
That’s quite a slippery slope
Spurrier is an a-hole, top-shelf
But he’ll likely hang himself
If you just give him enough rope

They were the team that everyone mocks
‘Til he created a douche nation of Red Sox
After a choke job and more
What’s Theo do for an encore?
End the Cubs curse and the Bartman knocks

GOP debates over, we’re glad
A stage full of the crazy and mad
Pizza makers and liars nefarious
It all would be quite hilarious
If it wasn’t so goddam sad

Less fat and more muscle
Should make State ready to tussle
C.J.’s got a new name
Calvin, how ‘bout a new game?
You know -- one where you hustle

Relaxation no longer outta reach
Thanks to a journey to the beach
A needed weekend trip
After a recent break-neck clip
A wedding in Beaufort should be a peach

Last time …

"Star Wars," As Described By A Japanese Girl

2011-10-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

Nothing more and nothing less than forking epic.

Hitler Might Be Apple's "Little Bitch"

2011-10-11T07:49:00.001-05:00

There are some who will say the Hitler-edited videos are played out (Hank Williams Jr. may come down on this side of the fence). There are some who will say that it's too early to crack on Apple (Steve Jobs fans may come down on this side of the fence).

I say this one works.

“The King’s Speech” Uses a Convention-Breaking Friendship to Help Find Its Voice

2011-10-10T07:54:00.007-05:00

Lionel: “Why should I waste my time listening?”
King George VI: “Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!”
Lionel: [pause] “Yes, you do.
[long pause]
“You have such perseverance, Bertie … You’re the bravest man I know.”

Anytime you’re faced with the premise of watching a British period piece, words such as “interminable,” “insufferable,” “bad teeth,” “dear lord make it stop” and “longest movie ever” immediately leap to the forefront of your brain. And when that flick is also described as historically accurate, painstakingly recreated and brilliantly acted, those are interpreted as code words for “boring as shit.”

All of that being considered, imagine my surprise when I found that all of those descriptions could be loosely translated to “tremendous” when it comes to “The King’s Speech.”

Colin Firth did a stellar job handling the stutter, and he and Geoffrey Rush (Lionel Logue) had an incredible dynamic, finding a workable mesh between student-teacher contradicted with king-subject. Helena Bonham Carter was at her understated best as Queen Elizabeth, and even though one of the criticisms I had heard about “The King’s Speech” was that it ran too long, I felt the pacing was very good and it did not come across as excessively long at all.

Don’t get me wrong: All the variables were there for a snoozefest. In addition to the above, this film was littered with Aussies acting British and much of the plot revolved around a speech impediment. Revolving an entire movie around a stutter would seem to be a shaky premise for a movie at surface level, but as the plot progresses and context is provided, you see the extraordinary culled from that premise. Yet the sheer brilliance of Firth and Rush overcome all these obstacles to lift “The King’s Speech” to its rightful status as the movie of the year.

As the historical events high/lowlighted by Churchill and Hitler played out, and you were given glimpses of troubles in the royal family compounded with tragedy on the world stage, you couldn’t help but get a tremendous sense of the pressure that Bertie was placed under. It became difficult not to commiserate with and feel empathy for him, even when he acted like a giant-sized wanker. It became clear that Bertie’s lack of confidence stemmed from past slights, mistreatment in his early childhood, unfair criticism from his father and brother -- all of which contributed to his struggles with speech.

Amazingly, “The King’s Speech” was filmed in just 39 days, meaning that its 12 Oscar nominations and four wins represent a pretty good return on investment. And David Seidler, who wrote the screenplay (and won one of the Oscars), had a stammer as a child, bringing the project near and dear to his heart. When he was told that Queen Elizabeth II was “touched” by the depiction of her father in the film, Seidler told the Sun that it was the “highest honour” the film could receive.

On the negative side, not only did I find Guy Pearce to be miscast as King Edward VIII, but I also thought that he actually looked younger than Firth (King George VI), who was supposed to be the youngest son. But my biggest quibble—and it is a small one in the grand scheme of things -- was that I felt like the strength and depth of the friendship between Bertie and Lionel wasn’t explored or developed well enough. The two sort of went from an uneasy, awkward relationship to having a really strong bond by movie’s end.

However, any and all quibbles were overpowered and dwarfed by an incredibly emotional final scene -- even for someone with an admittedly loose grasp of the history behind the story, I was blown away. The triumph involved in Lionel helping Bertie to find his confidence, his identity -- and ultimately, yes, his voice -- befitted the triumph of a movie that was “The King’s Speech.”

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: World Laments A Communications Genius, Plus “Foxy Knoxy” Gets Off

2011-10-07T08:15:00.004-05:00

The world has way too many knobs
Every politician cheats and robs
Tech ruled by copycats of every kind
So innovation is hard to find
And it just got harder -- RIP Steve Jobs

Wolves’ mouths starting to foam
Look out Cameron and Dean Dome
Pack Nation couldn’t help but be nervous
‘Bout the decision of one Rodney Purvis
One more hometown hero stays home

Just another embarrassing ‘neck
Coming off like a goddam train wreck
On his career he took a shit-ler
By comparing Obama to Hitler
Bocephus: German for “stupid fuck,” I expect

For Tony Sparano, the bell does ring
His Dolphins can’t win for anything
So his time is nearly done
At times it’s been pretty fun
Keep your head on a swivel at the Bada Bing

A mysterious murder in foreign lands
Amanda Knox had a problem on her hands
Never got her story straight
But she used PR pretty great
Now she can make reality-show demands

Last time …

Buddy Rich ... We Are Not Worthy

2011-10-05T07:52:00.000-05:00

A jaw-dropping 1978 video of drum master Buddy Rich. Just ... wow.

“Why is Everybody F@#$%^&*g Here!?”

2011-10-03T08:19:00.001-05:00

Yes, the venue is San Francisco, but there is a grand universality to this concept. I know that the times I find myself out and about at an odd time during the middle of the week, I am always shocked at how many people seem to be just sort of … you know … there.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Apparently A Lot Happened In Baseball, But All I Know For Sure Is That The Mets Continue To Be A Joke

2011-09-30T07:26:00.001-05:00

Epic chokes all across the east
In Atlanta, Boston hopes deceased
Slept through baseball’s renaissance
Saw the news over morning croissants
The regular season ended -- and I cared least

Injuries are a common schtick
Along with busts like D-Jax and Vick
A fantasy football season to forget
But nice to have no more fret
On the clock for next year’s top pick

Was tough watching him of late
Andy Rooney was slow of voice and gait
“So … didja ever notice …”
Whether talking about video games or POTUS
Farewell to another journalistic great

With football playing like poops
Attention has turned to State hoops
And recruiting rumblings abound
Will they land someone to rebound?
“Gurus” battling each other for scoops

Jose Reyes always came with a hitch:
He was always kind of a bitch
Not surprised that a noted limper
Would go out with a bunt and a whimper
Symbolizes the entire Mets glitch

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 46

2011-09-29T07:38:00.003-05:00

#1
So, one of my favorite shows, “The League,” starts back on October 6. Does anyone else think it’s odd that a show about fantasy football BEGINS during Week 5 of the NFL season?!
Hell, my fantasy season is going to be over by the time that freaking show starts.

#2
I’ve been a fan of ESPN’s “30 for 30” series, and all of the ones I’ve seen have been well done. But the most disappointing one thus far for me has been “One Night in Vegas,” which attempted to draw parallels between the fall of Mike Tyson and the death of Tupac Shakur. The intimation seemed to be that Tyson’s career was never the same after the night Shakur was killed after a Tyson fight, but it was loosely introduced and never really supported or tied to the events. Also, the relationship between the two seemed overblown, but more concerning to me was that the documentary didn’t add or reveal much. What new were we supposed to learn about Tupac and Tyson? To me, it fell way short in that regard.

#3
The first few weeks of the NFL season were marked by blown coverages, poor tackling, questionable penalties and injuries. Sort of like no one was adequately prepared. Sad.

#4
When you take into account what his name looks like and what the Philly fanbase represents, how is Moise Fokou’s No. 53 not the top-selling jersey in their market?

#5
A horrifying, yet eye-opening, account of why a GOP operative “left the cult.” Warning: Reading this may make you want to move to Vancouver tomorrow.

#6
If you think college football is dying -- or is already dead -- this is a great story, and links, backing up that premise.

#7
One of my new favorite shows, “Sons of Anarchy,” has returned. A poignant moment came when one of the characters noted, “The older we get, the further away we get from who we think we are.”

#8
Someone more eloquent than I can put words to the poignancy shown here in this video about VJ Day in Waikiki, 1945. But it is truly amazing that this film is more than 65 years old.

#9
Well, the powers-that-be in NFL offices have finally gotten what they’ve always wanted: they’ve officially turned the NFL into a seven-on-seven drill. The rules changes have been slanted so far in favor of offense that I honestly believe that passing yardage records need to have an asterisk affixed these days, to denote the “no touching” era of the NFL. 400-yard passing games are the new 300-yard passing games.

#10
Some of the deleted scenes from “The Office” are hysterical, leading one to wonder what the decision process is on what gets cut and what doesn’t. In one of the scenes, Meredith cuts off some whining from Gabe with the line, “Hey—this ain’t no Breakfast Club, BITCH!” Epic.

Don Draper Pitches The Facebook Timeline

2011-09-28T08:41:00.002-05:00

... then goes off to get hammered, sleep on his office couch, bang his secretary and get home in time to write a campaign for Dove.

Cop Comedy “The Other Guys” Was Surprisingly … Funny

2011-09-26T07:55:00.001-05:00

I’ll admit to finding “The Other Guys” to be funnier than I expected, although I’ll also freely admit that Will Ferrell is someone who makes me start laughing before he ever really says anything. Of course, you’re forgiven if you spend much of the movie asking, “Marky Mark? Really?”

This flick marked the fourth collaboration between Ferrell and director Adam McKay, along with “Anchorman,” “Talladega Nights” and “Step Brothers.” Odd casting decision aside, McKay basically takes the good-cop, bad-cop genre and supersizes that theme to outlandish proportions.

The highlight came in the form of epic snapshots from a binge-drinking episode straight out of “The Hangover.” The lowlight came when the movie itself was promoted on an episode of “Big Brother” -- which is usually a pretty big tipoff that a movie is going to blow -- with an advance screening serving as a prize after some inane contest or other.

Yet “The Other Guys” overcame that dubious start to turn into a serviceable buddy-cop film (there are rumors that a sequel is in the offing). I still had difficulty getting past the inclusion of Marky Mark, but beyond that, this one offered up the easy laughs that modern-day life all too often necessitates.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: The Return Of Somewhat-Watchable TV, Plus The Pack Is Utterly Lost

2011-09-23T08:23:00.004-05:00

The fall season is back, none too soon
For TV critics, a virtual boon
“Sons,” “The League” and “It’s Always Sunny”
Plus “The Office,” “Modern Family” bring the funny
But “Fringe” is what has me amped like a loon

With hackers her agent got tough
When ScarJo appeared in the buff
FBI put their best on the case
Examined every pic at their own pace
Being an FBI agent is so very rough

There was a shadow of a doubt
So his case taken up by those with clout
But his sentence was never commuted
So Troy Davis was executed
Lady Justice’s scale ain’t looking very stout

A speech caused a walkout at the U.N.
Iran causing turmoil, once again
Their leader’s name has a lot of vowels
Now probably some loose bowels
When you’re mad, remember to count to 10

A team with a lack of fight
Makes for a very long night
State’s injuries keep mounting
The losses keep on counting
Enough barks -- when you gonna bite?

Last time …

One Of Those Seasons, As Scooters Slip To 0-2

2011-09-21T08:13:00.000-05:00

A narrow loss in Week 2 dropped the squad to winless on the fantasy-football campaign. More troubling is the continuance of a mind-numbing series of injuries that has (literally) hamstrung the team and doomed the season before it really got fully underway.

San Diego’s Mike Tolbert was hurt in Week 1 in the midst of a TD-hat-trick performance, so naturally the best goal-line back in the league fumbled and was denied three times inside the 2-yard line—perhaps my first clue that it was going to be another brutal week.

St. Louis’s Stephen Jackson, Denver’s Knowshon Moreno and Jacksonville’s Marcedes Lewis were all scratches before the games began, which at least spared me the fate favored by other Scooters players: leaving games hurt. Steve Johnson of Buffalo, Lance Moore of New Orleans, DeSean Jackson of Philadelphia and, of course, Michael Vick all missed key time due to injury during the course of their games.

What does it all mean? Well, at 0-2 off the bat and with easily one of the league’s best teams WHEN HEALTHY, it doesn’t make a ton of sense for me to go out and throw cabbage around on the waiver wire. Not that I’m giving up, but some years you just get an unshakeable sense that it wasn’t meant to be, and with a history (in both fantasy and NC State football) littered with these types of seasons, I’ve learned to trust my instinct in this regard.

Basically, when there are more little red crosses next to players’ names than there are other players to replace them, sometimes you just have to grin and bear it.

Forty Years Of Pissed-Off CEOs

2011-09-19T08:10:00.001-05:00

When Greenpeace turned 40, an anonymous ad agency marked the occasion by putting together a unique gift: a video capturing some of the impact that the direct-action environmental organization has had.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIIV: Hope Hangs By A Thread, Plus A Somber Weekend Past

2011-09-16T07:42:00.001-05:00

Obama visiting NC State
As North Carolina swirls in hate
A government full of self-sabotage
Opponents in patriotic camoflauge
For hope, is it already too late?

State looked like a steaming pile
And Brady threw for about a mile
The Pack isn’t having any fun
The ‘Fins can’t cover anyone
That’s football for you, Scooter style

A new Palin controversy has started
As tales of cheating have been imparted
She jumped NBAers in the sack
Now she’d love to go back
To when people just thought she was ‘tarded

This is what boxing is now
Mental warfare, not boom and pow
Hit women, quite a champion king
Then duck and run in the ring
Hope Ortiz KOs Mayweather—and how

Ceremonies full of emotion and grace
Memorials take the ruins’ place
Remembrances of horrific days
As 9/11 was relived in replays
Take a moment before resuming life’s pace

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 45

2011-09-15T07:57:00.007-05:00

#1
Jon Stewart is undeniably epic, but his riff on conservative self-victimization ventures boldly into genius territory.

#2
I was glad to come across this relatively uplifting udpate on post-Katrina New Orleans, tempered by the gentle reminder of “We’ll see.”

#3
I had never wanted a punter’s jersey until I read Chris Kluwe’s “douchebags” take on Twitter. Who ever thought a punter could become a fan favorite?

#4
Many don’t care for Michael Irvin, and although I can see reasons why he’s considered a hypocrite, I actually think his analysis is underrated in its honesty. But no matter your feelings on the dude, you have to respect him for his brave foray into gay rights.

#5
Here’s an honest, great essay on police brutality and it’s link to mindfulness. Nothing to add to it, really … just read it.

#6
Will probations and cheating in college football turn out to be the equivalent of the steroid era in baseball?

#7
I couldn’t help but chuckle upon seeing this ad for a weed-whacking golf driver for “surreptiously improving your lie.” Surreptitiously, really? Like the rest of your foursome won’t notice you over there whacking weeds?! “Nothing to see here, mates, just doing a little groundskeeping as we theoretically play golf.”

#8
“What if Michael Vick Were White?” is the early leader in the clubhouse for Stupidest Fucking Column of the Year. Next week: “What if Michael Vick Didn’t Murder all Those Dogs?”

#9
Time marches on. Families grow. Football keeps coming back. I thought this ode to life and football was beautifully written.

#10
So,“Moneyball" has to be the worst concept for a movie at least since, "Dude, Where's My Car?” I mean, right?

Deja Ooooh: Injury Woes Strike Even Earlier For The Scooters

2011-09-14T08:13:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to win in fantasy football on any given week, because you never know when your opponent is going to have a career game. And it gets even harder when half your lineup is or goes out on any given Sunday.

That was the case with the Scooters on opening weekend in fantasy football. While I at least I had Stephen “Quad” Jackson for two carries (and 15 points), Knowshon “Hamstring” Moreno exited stage left after a disappointing showing. Mike “Leg” Tolbert chalked up three touchdowns from my bench before succumbing to injury, while Marcedes “Calf” Lewis wasn’t missed too badly from my bench before heading to his own bench. Lance “Groin” Moore (an unfortunate nickname in any endeavor) never even got off the bench, having been ruled out for Week One in the preseason.

You can learn a bit about your team in the first week of fantasy football, but it’s always advisable not to overreact. That being said, the injury bug that bit so hard in ending my title chances a season ago seems to have found a cozy home in the Scooters’ stadium a bit earlier in 2011.

Miss Japan's Real Name Is Yoko Spicoli

2011-09-13T08:10:00.000-05:00

Miss Japan is out to give Miss South Carolina (who I dubbed "Peroxide Borat") a run for her money.

But I think the munchies she experienced before, during and after this interview may hurt her in the swimsuit portion of the competition.

Odd Afro Frog Dude Sings "Star Wars" Anthem

2011-09-12T08:58:00.003-05:00

I give you "Star Wars" gone horribly wrong.

And French.

Or is that redundant?

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: Remembering 9/11 A Decade Later, Plus Farewell To The Best Buccaneer

2011-09-09T07:59:00.000-05:00

The years go by so fast
Has a decade really passed?
Since the world stopped in pain and trouble
And freedom scrambled in the rubble
We’ll remember the lost and brave ‘til the last

The Pack started out very slow
Just how good, we just don’t know
The defense looked stout
But struggled to air it out
Oh well, at least State is 1-0

A debate for the unstable right
No wonder the world’s in a state of fright
Candidates who make you lose sleep
And for the future, make you weep
Batshit vs. crazy carried the night

He liked to cheat, steal and rob
And call himself UNC’s No. 1 knob
Fired Bitch Davis keeps showing up
Getting game balls and saying ‘sup
Dude, walk away and get a fucking job

A star for the NFL’s worst team
Rose to the very top like cream
Lee Roy Selmon was a freaking beast
And now may he rest in peace
The best go so young, it sure does seem

Last time …

Many-Layered, Intense “The Hurt Locker” Examines What Makes A Bomb Team Tick

2011-09-08T07:11:00.001-05:00

“The rush of battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug.”
--Chris Hedges, New York Times

It’s sort of sad that so many people will remember “The Hurt Locker” for all the wrong reasons. But that’s kind of what happens when a co-producer of a film e-mails Academy Award writers to attempt to dissuade them from voting for another movie (“Avatar”) for best picture. Sure, Nicolas Chartier issued a public apology, but he’ll always be known as the first nominee ever to be banned from a movie award ceremony.

That backdrop unfairly draws away from what was, unquestionably, a tremendous movie. Filled with testosterone, unfathomable violence, stereotyping questions, intensity and slow-motion cinematographic techniques, “The Hurt Locker” shone an unflinching light on war in the Middle East.

From a casting perspective, it has been reported that the casting of relative unknowns was very purposeful, to help protect the authenticity of the landscape of war. It was odd to see Guy Pearce (Staff Sergeant Matt Thompson) introduced as team leader—only to see him killed off in about 10 minutes. His replacement, Sergeant First Class William James (played impeccably by Jeremy Renner), establishes himself as the complete opposite of Thompson, more than a little bit nuts, from jumpstreet. Anthony Mackie is tremendous as Sergeant J.T. Sanborn and Brian Geraghty held his own as Specialist Owen Eldridge, while David Morse was excellent as always, although in just a bit role as Colonel Reed. Sanborn and Eldridge struggle with how far into hell they’re willing to follow James, who appears to have an insatiable death wish. At every turn, James thumbs his nose at uncompromisable military mandates about safety and communication, continuously putting himself and his team in danger—but also nullifying bad guys with some strange mix of luck, cockiness (873 bombs detonated!) and genius.

The screenplay was written by a freelance writer named Mark Boal, who embedded with a bomb squad in 2004 and said he was drawn toward the idea of these specialists who are “going toward what everyone else is running from.” Director Kathryn Bigelow does a terrific job of honoring Boal’s screenplay and experiences, overseeing tremendous work in introducing evil through suddenly shifting camera perspectives. The real-time nature of the film serves to build the intensity, to the point where you’re always expecting some added meaning, something else to happen just around the corner.

There were a few awkward aspects of the flick, with the relationship James forged with the hustler kid, Beckham, feeling a bit forced. Also, positioning Ralph Fiennes as a mercenary didn’t quite click, as he’s not exactly a “tough guy” type. I also found it really odd that the phrase the title comes from (used in Viet Nam to mean “in bad shape” or in a bad situation) wasn’t referenced at all in the movie, which was originally titled “The Something Jacket.” And finally, some articles indicated that veterans took issue with some of the lack of protocol and overall team behavior depicted in the film, saying that Renner’s level of risk-taking wouldn’t have been accepted. However, Boal spoke to more than 100 soldiers in doing his research, lending credence to his work and pointing out that, perhaps in such a leaderless region and situation, the cowboy nature can take hold.

The filming was done in Jordan, with reports that four or more crews would work simultaneously in 120-degree heat. The gritty, physically demanding nature of the work came through in the filming, when Renner hurt an ankle during one scene, stopping the filming for a week and throwing the entire project into jeopardy. On top of all that, the crews were shot at and had debris thrown at them as part of a legitimately hostile environment. After dealing with all of these variables, the crew had the unenviable task of taking 200 hours of footage and distilling it down into 2 hours and 13 minutes.

In the end, the movie is largely about James’s inability to reconcile both of his worlds, his struggle to balance the personas he has to live with in each; somehow, I think being married to Kate from “Lost” would make that job easier, but James just can’t puzzle it all out. Eventually, James begins to lose his mind and crack up, losing sanity to the never-ending chase, the ongoing futility of searching for answers in ratholes. When he eventually hallucinates about Beckham being turned into a living bomb, accidentally shoots Eldridge and stages a one-man invasion of an Iraqi slum, we see he’s hit rock bottom.

At one point, James views life moving on after an enormous explosion, seeing a kite being flown by an oblivious boy who accepts bombings as a natural part of his day, setting the stage for one of the tremendous scenes in the movie. James and Sanborn have a lengthy talk in the Humvee about the value of life, the role of risk and the presence of the future. Sanborn shares that he doesn’t want to die without having a son, that he is now ready for that, while James explains that he can’t process that line of thinking, doesn’t allow himself to think about or view his work in terms of risk or rolling the dice.

Near the end, we cut to James pushing his child through a store in a grocery cart, visibly struggling to come to terms with the fact that his life is now about buying cereal. In a heartbreaking scene, James comes to a decision as he’s playing with his son, saying, “As you get older, some of the things you love might not seem so special anymore … And the older you get, the fewer things you really love. And by the time you get to my age, maybe it’s only one or two things. With me, I think it’s one.” Essentially, James tells his family that the only thing he loves are bombs, before doing the unthinkable and abandoning his family to sign up for another tour of duty.

“The Hurt Locker” had a delayed release in the U.S., yet still overcame Chartier’s transgression to take home a stagging six Oscars. Awards aside, it says here that the sheer depth and range of emotion evoked in the film place it confidently among any war movie ever made.

The Scooters Feel A Draft, Part Two: Upping The Risk/Reward Ante In 2011

2011-09-05T07:53:00.000-05:00

In Part I, we covered a bit of a shift in drafting philosophy for the Scooters this year. With an eye on more dynamic, distance scorers, I favored more of a risky approach, resulting in a solid first half of the draft.

Of course, any good fantasy football owner will tell you that you largely make your hay at the back end of the draft, so without further ado, here’s what happened there …

10th Round, 133rd Overall: Davone Bess, WR, Miami Dolphins
Miami’s new offense will feature a lot more three- and four-wide receiver sets, which means that, even if Bess doesn’t beat out Brian Hartline for an official starting job, he’ll be on the field plenty. Bess has become a consistent safety valve for jittery Chad Henne (more on him later, unfortunately), and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Bess reel in 75 passes in 2011. The key for him is to prove that he’s more than a move-the-chains guy—that he can be a red-zone finisher as well.

11th Round, 148th Overall: Marcedes Lewis, TE, Jacksonville Jaguars
On the off chance that Graham begins boxing out instead of running solid patterns, I couldn’t pass up the chance to add one of last year’s fantasy surprises to bolster my tight end position. Lewis chalked up 10 touchdowns in 2010, and while I’m not counting on him repeating that this season, I do think he will still put up respectable numbers in a short-passing offense. At the very least, he’s a legitimate threat near the goal line for the Jags, and a great guy to have on hand to push Graham. I grabbed Lewis in hopes that the Dolphins defense would make it back around to my 12th-round position, but that strategy backfired quickly when the other Miami fan in the league scooped them up a few picks later. Oh well.

12th Round, 161st Overall: Kansas City, D/ST, Chiefs
Pretty much all the like-to-have defenses were gone at this point, so I tabbed the Chefs here because our rules are that you have to start somebody. I do think KC has put together a young, promising unit, and with Dexter McCluster around, there is the chance for a return score every now and again. I do think the ~~retarded~~ safety-related new kickoff rules will have an impact in this area of fantasy football, and I’m OK with playing waiver-wire bingo with defenses/special teams if needed as the season progresses.

13th Round, 176th Overall: Brandon Gibson, WR, St. Louis Rams
I had Gibson, Antonio Brown and Andre Roberts pegged as late-round receivers that I was highly interested in, so I figured Gibson was a quality selection here. Sam Bradford aired it out last year as a rookie, and I think the Rams will have a fairly wide-open offense again in 2011 (though let’s not get crazy guys, I do have Steven Jackson, after all). He surprised a season ago, and as long as he’s not buried in the wideout rotation in St. Louis, he should be fine as a No. 5 wide receiver.

14th Round, 189th Overall: Antonio Brown, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers
Imagine my surprise and happiness when Brown was still lurking when my pick rolled around again. Snaring him gave me two of the three sleeper, late-round wideouts I had been targeting prior to the draft. Not that Brown is going to win me a lot of weeks, but I certainly felt even better about this choice after he put up two long scores in a preseason game just an hour after our draft ended. Whether he emerges in Pittsburgh’s rotation or becomes trade bait for my team, I was more than good with rounding out my corps with Brown as the No. 6.

15th Round, 204th Overall: Matt Bryant, K, Falcons
Bryant was ranked respectably among fantasy kickers for this year, and being that I didn’t have a kicker yet, I thought I’d go ahead and draft him. I was playing a bit of a game of chicken with the only other owner in the league who didn’t already have two quarterbacks, with my eye on (*gulp*) Chad Henne of the Dolphins—I was going out on a bit of a limb in thinking that he didn’t have any eyes on Henne, but I was OK with that. Anyway, Atlanta should put up plenty of points this year, making Bryant a fine starter as my placekicker.

16th Round, 217th Overall: Tampa Bay, D/ST, Buccaneers
I was in need of a second defense, and I figured any team that plays the Panthers and Scam Newton twice a year was a solid choice. Tampa seems to be an emerging team, with some good, young pass-rushing talent, and when you toss in the shocking news that had just come out that one-man-crime-wave Aqib Talib wasn’t suspended, they felt like a solid fit here.

17th Round, 232nd Overall: Shaun Suisham, K, Pittsburgh Steelers
I had sort of heard of him before, he plays for a legit offense and he doesn’t have the same bye week as my other kicker, so … welcome aboard, chief. Also, Scrabble is one of our tiebreakers, so a name like “Shaun Suisham” has to be worth a few points there. Plus, Miami’s Dan Carpenter, a “Joe Dirt” lookalike, was tabbed one choice ahead of me.

18th Round, 245th Overall: Chad Henne, QB, Miami Dolphins
In a god-forgive-me pick, yes, my own personal Mr. Irrelevant made it all the way to my final choice. Miami has a lame-duck coach and trouble filling the seats, so they seem dedicated to more of an air-it-out offense in 2011. From a real-life perspective, that approach feels destined to end horrifically; from a fantasy football perspective, I think Henne has a chance to put up some decent stats that will justify him as a backup signal-caller. The Dumpoff King now has Reggie Bush to shuffle it off to, and hopefully Brandon Marshall (must.not.make.straightjacket.crack) will fall into a long score every now and again as well. And if not doesn’t pan out, well … he was the freaking 245th overall pick in the draft. I’ll be OK.

Quick Wrapup
For a team that hinges a lot on Vick, it stung that Kyle Orton, Josh Freeman and Sam Bradford were all nabbed just before I was going to choose them. Some bad luck involved there, but I also arguably waited too long on nailing down an established backup quarterback.

In hearing about my choice of Vick, my wife shooked her head and paused for a while. Then she quietly asked, “Nobody else who has raped anybody or killed animals, OK?” Sure thing.

I think.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXII: Football Returns None Too Soon, Plus Loony Juice The Drink Of Choice As Elections Near

2011-09-02T07:33:00.000-05:00

At long last, real football is back
Questions abound for the ‘Fins and Pack
Can Glennon replace Wilson for State?
Can Henne lower his high mistake rate?
Optimism abounds until the first pick or sack!

Destroying the US wasn’t enough
Now Cheney returns looking rough
His memoirs etched on tablets of stone
For a villain who makes us all groan
Just leave us to clean up your shitty stuff

Across headlines it did resound
Dementia for the queen of hoops round
A tough time for Pat Summitt
As her memory does plummet
But nothing will slow her down

A government ground to a halt
Everyone elected bears some fault
Candidates with crazy eyes
Spreading ridiculous lies
Only want to protect every billionaire vault

Politics, money dominate college ball
Conferences fight for the biggest haul
A&M no longer the Big 12’s
Now everybody save yourselves
Where will all the dominoes fall?

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 44

2011-09-01T08:15:00.003-05:00

#1
RIP to Chris Hondros, one of those rare talents who was able to elevate photography to artistry and wield a piece of technology like an elegant paintbrush. NC State -- and journalism -- lost one of the best, tragically.

#2
If you’ve ever been to San Francisco, you’ve undoubtedly noticed the jammed-together homes. Well, this enterprising owner worked around permits by building a fold-in garage into his Victorian house. Bravo, sir; bravo.

#3
Your reaction to the news that the last typewriter manufacturer has shut its doors probably falls into one of two camps: 1) “Man, I can’t believe that!” or 2) “Holy shit, people were still manufacturing typewriters!?”
My trusty typewriter and I spent way too much time together, and not only did it get me through college, but I still have it. Farewell, typewriters.

#4
Yeah, I know the NFL Draft is now several months past, but I have to say: The ESPN Bizarro World honchos thought it best to put Jon Gruden in charge of grading quarterbacks and Bill Parcells in charge of compiling the draft board. Who the fuck thought it was OK to make these appointments on Opposite Day?

#5
I don’t have much to add to this one: “Go the Fuck to Sleep” is just a flat-out epic children’s book.

#6
Maybe it’s just me, but after the offseason that Ohio State had, adding a guy who just got arrested on felony theft charges at a casino to your coaching staff doesn’t feel like, you know, a dramatic change in direction for the program.

#7
I fell in love with this visual representation of “how books work.”

#8
I watched all of the NBA playoffs and really was only left with two vivid impressions: Chris Bosh kind of looks like Snoop Dogg and Russell Westbrook has tiny ears.

#9
I’d like to think that we can all agree that planking has ~~jumped~~ laid down on the shark.

#10
The Miami Dolphins haven’t had much to cheer about for years, but Jim Mandich always seemed to find a reason to do so anyway. You will be missed, Mad Dog.

The Scooters Feel A Draft, Part One: Upping The Risk/Reward Ante In 2011

2011-08-31T08:03:00.004-05:00

A year ago, the Scooters put together a pretty stellar draft, yet still had to overcome a litany of injuries to limp into the playoffs. This year, the team looks strong coming out of draft day yet again, but it isn’t built to withstand losing a key component.

In terms of straight value, Michael Vick was pretty much a no-brainer midway through the first round. I followed that up landing four of the top 32 running backs, according to CBS, as well as a deep—if not star-strewn—wide receiver corps.

Going a bit outside of my philosophy, I took a few high-risk, high-reward types early in the draft this year, as well as choosing dudes that I flat-out don’t like as “people.” And I did so knowing full well that my season, my draft and my team all ride on Vick, and his ability to stay healthy, stay out of trouble and stay consistent.

Shit … why am I shaking?

1st Round, Eighth Overall: Michael Vick, QB, Philadelphia Eagles
After seeing the top seven quarterbacks go in the first 27 picks in last year’s draft, and no changes forthcoming for our league’s passer-heavy point system, I wasn’t going to be left without a signal-caller this year. So when Michael Vick fell in my lap with the eighth overall pick, I couldn’t pass him up—even though my hatred for all things Vick is well-documented. My attempts to hedge against this hold-your-nose selection with an established quarterback were thwarted in the middle rounds, meaning that I may have to explore trade or free-agency options should Vick be ~~shot~~ ~~bitten~~ injured at any point during the season.

2nd Round, 21st Overall: Stephen Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams
With the proven, non-committee tailbacks going quickly, I was happy to scoop up Jackson with this pick. I see the Rams surprising on offense this season, and I also anticipate Jackson becoming more of a factor in the passing game in 2011. He’s always been a beastly workhorse, and with Sam Bradford developing at quarterback and Josh McDaniel on hand to pilot the offensive attack, the hope is that Jackson will find a little more room to roam this year—and divert S-Jax off the Earl Campbell-ish path St. Louis had been pushing him down.

3rd Round, 36th Overall: DeSean Jackson, WR, Philadelphia Eagles
Again, I’m not much of a Jackson fan, but he was the surest receiver still on the board and the opportunity to pair him up with Vick was an added bonus that made this selection a bit easier. Outside of Jamaal Charles, most of my recent teams have been missing the distance scorers that are rewarded big-time in my league, and the prospect of some 60-yarders for the Vick-Jackson combo is certainly enticing. Of course, the 140-pound (75 pounds of that being mouth) Jackson always runs the risk of being broken in half, which adds an element of nervousness to this pick. Throw in the fact that his value is a direct result of Vick’s presence, and well, this one is going to make for some nervous moments.

4th Round, 49th Overall: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Denver Broncos
Probably my least-favorite choice of the draft. I was torn between jumping early for tight end Antonio Gates or selecting running back Cedric Benson here as well, but I had my eye on a few late-round tight ends and I didn’t trust Benson in this spot. Something about Moreno has me intrigued, even though it is questionable how the Broncos front office views him and the presence of Willis McGahee is highly troublesome. But the good news is that this is likely a make-or-break season for Moreno—if he’s ever going to emerge and produce to his talents, this has to be the year. Although one has to think just having a locker near Tim Tebow will make him a better and more righteous player.

5th Round, 64th Overall: Steve Johnson, WR, Buffalo Bills
With Cedric Benson taken one spot ahead of me here, I evaluated Johnson as the best remaining No. 1 receiver left on the draft board, and I was pretty happy to snare him in this spot, with Percy Harvin also under some consideration. I envision Beefalo trailing quite a bit this year, meaning that Ryan Fitzpatrick will be airing it out once again—and he and Johnson developed quite a bit of chemistry a season ago. I considered this a bit of a bounce-back pick after the Moreno selection threw me off my rhythm, so I was hopeful that this would help kick-start my drafting groove again. Quick shoutout to Stevie: how about fewer “Why So Serious” T-shirts, less drops that lose games and more touchdowns … cool?

6th Round, 77th Overall: Joseph Addai, RB, Indianapolis Colts
Still a bit unsettled about the running back situation following the Moreno choice, I scooped Addai here with little hesitation. I have him pegged as a guy due for a rebound year, and with Peyton Manning’s status a bit up in the air, my hope is that Indy looks to the ground game early in the season. Addai has always been productive in stretches, and his skill set as a receiving threat out of the backfield is highly appealing once Manning returns to form. Just hoping he doesn’t become a pain in my neck as he has for Peyton (ouch). As a No. 3—and potential No. 2 (yes, like the poop)—running back, I dig Addai in this spot.

7th Round, 92nd Overall: Mike Tolbert, RB, San Diego Chargers
I was all set to grab Josh Freeman as my backup quarterback, but he was scooped up just ahead of my pick, so I had to shift gears. I was excited to see Tolbert still available in this area, so I rounded out my running back corps with the bruiser who emerged big-time a season ago. I’m not sold on Ryan Matthews as a legitimate full-time back, and rumblings had been that Tolbert is the San Diego back to have at this juncture (editor’s note: when Norv Turner is involved, all bets are off). If Tolbert is your No. 4 tailback, I think you’re in pretty good shape at this key position group, and that’s how I feel. The upside is I’m done with running backs after seven rounds; of course, that means I could—and did—see some really intriguing guys available later in the draft that I (obviously) couldn’t grab.

8th Round, 105th Overall: Lance Moore, WR, New Orleans Saints
After doing my predraft research, I concluded that Moore was a guy I wanted on my team. Yes, Drew Brees spreads it around quite a bit, but with some of Marques Colston’s injury concerns, there is potential for Moore to emerge as Brees’s favorite target. The other factor is that I tend to like to collect as many good players as I can that are a part of stellar offenses, and Moore fits into that equation. He’s been battling injuries this preseason, so hopefully he can find some voodoo healing magic on Canal Street. By pegging him as my No. 3 wideout here, I’m feeling pretty good about my drafting work thus far.

9th Round, 120th Overall: Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans Saints
With the inevitable run on tight ends occurring earlier, I thought this was a nice spot to land another guy that seized my attention early in the draft prep process. But it was a tough choice: I was also considering Sam Bradford, Davone Bess and the Bears defense in this spot (too many Bs!). Our league doesn’t allow for rebound points, but this ex-hoopster at Miami played well enough down the stretch a season ago that New Orleans felt fine jettisoning Jeremy Shockey, who has had about as many drops as tattoos lately. My pick of Graham felt even better when Brees targeted the hell out of him one day later in a preseason game. So halfway through the draft, I was getting a strong conviction about the way the draft was unfolding and the way my team was building.

Stay tuned for Part II soon …

Jimpressions, Shakespeare-Style

2011-08-29T07:07:00.001-05:00

OK, so not all these were dead on (I was a bit disappointed in his version of Paul Giamatti), but still … pretty damn epic. It takes an enormous talent to pull this off.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: End Of Days In North Carolina?, Plus Steve Jobs Takes His Last Bite Of The Apple

2011-08-26T07:31:00.001-05:00

The computer got to shakin’
Some folks got to flakin’
Now Irene is headed our way
Hope it doesn’t decide to stay
N.C. just hurricanin’ and earthquakin’

LSU embarrassments in piles
Violations, guns and 911 dials
Jefferson stomping a dude? Never!
Only thing he connected on, ever
Might be best kick of the year for Miles

You had the personality of a toad
An ice queen and a very wide load
Spent your birthdays at Target
So get in your car ‘n’ git
Just drive on the right side of the road

Didn’t think they got dirtier than Fairley
But Suh might be dirtier, barely
The Lions have talent to spare
But play like they just don’t care
Might be why they win rarely

Farewell to Mr. Steve Jobs
As Apple’s stock causes sobs
Created a culture of style
He’ll be missed for a while
But customers’ll still come in mobs

Last time …

“Water For Elephants” Stares Down The Leap From Good To Great, Then Shys Away

2011-08-24T07:19:00.001-05:00

I don’t make it out to the theaters very often these days, so when I do, it’s usually for a flick that either just looks like there’s no conceivable way it could blow or I have some attachment to. The latter was the case when the decision was made to take in “Water for Elephants.”

I read the novel primarily because it was created as part of NanoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month (October). I’ve participated in this event, which involves trying to write a novel in 30 days, so I was amazed that someone had actually generated something worthwile out of it. I really enjoyed “Water for Elephants” by Sara Gruen -- in fact, it achieved the #2 ranking in the Scooties book awards for 2009.

Director Frances Lawrence’s film, based on the screenplay by Richard LaGravenese, was very true to Gruen’s work. As in the novel, aspiring veterinarian Jacob Jankowksi (Robert Pattinson) drops out of Cornell just before graduation and runs away to the circus after his parents die and their business is lost. In unlikely fashion, he earns himself into the confidences of August Rosenbluth (Christoph Waltz), the circus owner and head animal trainer for Benzini Brothers Circus. Recognizing Jacob’s knowledge of and temperament with animals, August gives him a job trying to train a stubborn elephant, Rosie. Along the way, Jacob becomes smitten with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), putting himself in constant danger with the moody and oft-violent August, which propels the plot toward the sort-of-dramatic finish.

In terms of casting, most of the shaky reviews have centered on this aspect of the film. Witherspoon was very good as usual, and Waltz captured the tempestuous August nearly perfectly. But Pattinson was hard to take in the lead role, and he has suffered withering criticism due to the lack of on-screen chemistry between himself and Witherspoon.

The device used to relate the story is a 90-year-old Jacob, who tells his story in old age. However, his living situation is not depicted at all in the movie, and none of the melancholy and desperation that define his final years in a retirement home are shown here. Jacob is much more bitter in the book version, and I found his relegation to the background something of a missing element in the translation to the big screen. After all, in the novel, Jacob’s battle for latter-life relevance really comprises an important second peg for the plot to stand on.

Some feel that some of the middle-of-the-road reviews for “Water for Elephants” stem from some controversy over the treatment of animals in the movie. However, I felt that the movie was purely missing the spark and personality needed to push it to another level. The cinematography was great, the treatment of circus life was well rendered, the stunts and animal work were nearly unbelievable—but the film felt like it was mostly void of passion and heart. As others have noted, Lawrence appeared to take the easy way out by taking no risks with this flick, and I feel he really missed the mark with the casting of Pattinson, which severely hindered the movie’s chances to really shine.

The result is a nice, well-done movie -- but one that seems to lack in the intangibles that really seize the viewer’s soul.

What's This Magical White Stuff?

2011-08-22T08:03:00.000-05:00

In mid-August, Wellington and Aukland, New Zealand, got snow for the first time in 30 years. This is what it looked like.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Glory’s Last Stand Had All The Storylines Necessary, Plus Things Look Bleak For The “U”

2011-08-19T08:17:00.001-05:00

Bradley won the PGA
Or did Dufner give it away?
High drama at glory’s last stand
With tension to beat the band
What a way to end the year’s play

Rodman talked of lessons learned
And all the bridges he’s burned
Quite a Hall of Fame speech
For a character beyond reach
Perhaps “The Worm” has turned?

Let’s be clear:
Jim Thome deserves a beer
But if a dude brings the goods
And hits 600 homers in the woods
Does anyone even hear?

For the beach, we did long yearn
Like Casper, avoided sunburn
Melancholy feelings ran deep
For memories we’ll always keep
But we’ll always find a way to return

More scandal at the U
A jock-sniffer describing a Dade zoo
A Ponzi schemer run wild
Makes USC look pretty mild
Not totally surprised … you?

Last time …

Remembering The Fascinating, Meteoric Rise And Fall Of “Twin Peaks”

2011-08-17T08:11:00.000-05:00

In an effort to do battle with the summer doldrums and malaise that arise from every worthwhile show going on hiatus, we elected to check out “Twin Peaks," an early ‘90s series that I had never watched. What I found was a mesmerizing story that rather quickly and abruptly turned into a cautionary tale about the triumphs and pitfalls of originality in mainstream media.

The brainchild of creators David Lynch and Mark Frost, the show kicked off with the shocking murder of high school student Laura Palmer -- a crime never meant to be solved by Lynch and Frost. The resulting investigation, in which nearly every resident of Twin Peaks was found to be either hiding something or a suspect, was far-reaching, incorporating elements of religion, the spiritual world, Native American lore, UFOs, demonic possession and a villanous natural world.

After a phenomenal first season that had us burning through DVDs with frightening speed, “Twin Peaks” embarked on a truly mind-boggling second season. It was a menagerie of bad, confusing and illogical plot lines, from transtesticle FBI agents to superhuman housewives, and though Lynch and Frost did their best to salvage the series at the end of the season, it was too late -- just when it was starting to feel like “Twin Peaks” again, it ended. As I watched the train slowly careen into the forest, I couldn’t help but wonder: Has any show ever gone off track more quickly?

I do understand Lynch’s excuse that suits destroyed the series -- after all, Laura Palmer’s killer was never intended to be revealed, but the network demanded it -- but I feel that’s a bit of a simplistic answer. Lynch is right to be bitter and full of regret (he maintains that his idea was that Laura was the tree, and all the other secrets were just branches.), but his own ego and hubris certainly played a role as well. Not only did he cast himself as Gordon Cole, but both he and Frost allowed themselves to be distracted by the pursuit of movie efforts in the second season, relegating “Twin Peaks” back to “just” a TV show and creating a void of oversight. A turnstile of guest directors stymied the show’s momentum and more often led you to think, “Where the hell is this going?”

The meteoric rise and fall of “Twin Peaks” is a shame, because at its best, it was such a formula-shattering show, intertwining comedy and creepiness, sci-fi and after-school special, horror and drama, love story and murder mystery, soap opera and cop show. The fighting-against-convention bent extended to casting, where, on the one hand, Lynch cast a litany of hot young actresses; on the other, he tabbed a set dresser in the vital role of “Bob” basically on accident. [But for me, the actor who stole the most scenes was Miguel Ferrer, who played the hysterical forensic examiner Albert Rosenfield.]

It’s hard not to believe something special was at work on “Twin Peaks,” especially when cast members admitted that they experienced strange dreams and some talked about spirits while the filming was going on. The brutal weather endured for the shooting of the pilot made filming very difficult, but the impact on atmosphere and tension was very important to the show ever being picked up by the network.

There will always be unanswered questions (why did Jocelyn Packard become part of a bedside hotel table? Who is this Diane that Cooper constantly spoke to on the dictaphone? And what was the deal that Cooper truly made at the very end?), but the DVD set did a pretty good job of providing context for what went right—and wrong—for “Twin Peaks.” I was disappointed that they didn’t include the European pilot ending, which wrapped up the whole series in case it had to stand alone and never made it to network.

I’ll say that “Twin Peaks” did a tremendous job of capturing my riveted attention over the course of a week and a half -- it’s only a shame that the series itself couldn’t sustain its own momentum for a much longer period of time.

Just In Case You Needed Another Reason To Drink Guinness ...

2011-08-15T07:50:00.000-05:00

Beach. Beer. Beets. Bears. Battlestar Galactica.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Penny Opposes The Galactic Slave Trade

2011-08-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

Good stuff from Kaley Cuoco of “Big Bang Theory” here, as she derides the “galactic slave trade” after so many have objectified “sexy slave Leia” at conventions. But I mean, couldn’t they convince Kaley to at least model this costume for this clip?

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: The Dolphins Already Pissing Away The Upcoming Season, Plus The OBX Beckons

2011-08-05T07:13:00.000-05:00

Once was an AFC power
Now all their moves make us sour
Stuck with an already-booed Henne
‘Cuz Orton cost many a penny
Guess next year it’ll be Bill Cowher

A Congress of stupid fucks
Threaten a default for yucks
Compromise ain’t heard
As useful as a frozen turd
Sometimes America really sucks

On “Police Academy,” he was great
Unblockable for the Colts and Michigan State
Would-be blockers he tossed
Another NFL legend lost
RIP Bubba Smith, big #78

The Dow Jones took a huge hit
400 points is quite a bit
Worries about European debt
The Wall Street is always a bet
That’s why I don’t F with that shit

Headed off Outer Banks way
For sun, recovery and play
And to say a final goodbye
A house that’s made us laugh and cry
Yo Emily—stay the hell away!

Last time …

“The Mountain” Via Time-Lapse

2011-08-03T08:13:00.000-05:00

The Mountain from TSO Photography on Vimeo.

TSO Photography does incredibly inventive work with time-lapse photography, as evidenced here by filming of El Teide in Spain.

Powerful stuff.

By Taking Chances And Tackling The Controversial, “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” Stands Out

2011-08-01T08:14:00.000-05:00

The times when I’m surprised in a positive way by a movie are few and far between. So maybe that’s why “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” resonated with me for a while.

This flick, adapted from a novel of the same name by Ned Vizzini, touched on the difference that confidence can make in life, combining elements of a comedy, romance and a coming-of-age movie. Written and directed by Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck, “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” is powered by unexpected and risky casting that somehow worked. The lead role was handled by goofy, win-you-over Keil Gilchrist as Craig, a troubled, semi-suicidal youth struggling with adolescence and a world that’s just a little too big for him at the moment. His parents are played by Jim Gaffigan and Lauren Graham, who are known more as comic types, while Emma Roberts appears as Noelle, the much-more-troubled girl who helps him see his problems really aren’t that bad.

Jeremy Davies, an actor I really like, had only a niche role in this one, and I certainly wouldn’t have minded if it had been expanded. But it is NC State’s own Zach Galifianakis who brings the biggest—and most unexpected—punch. In a role where he has to stretch far beyond what he’s been asked to do to date, the hysterical comedian plays Bobby, a kind of mentor and challenger to Craig. Eventually, Bobby learns as much from Craig as vice versa, with the message being that it seems like time moves slower when you are younger.

“See, that's the part I don't get, Craig. I mean, you're cool, you're smart, you're talented. You have a family that loves you. You know, what I would do just to be you, for just a day? I would … I would do so much. I would … I don't know. I would just … I'd just live. Like it meant something.”

There are plenty of awkward scenes, but that is partially by design, as there was a delicate balancing act between humor and the serious issues that go along with psychiatry and suicide. As Craig sees the beauty in Noelle that she doesn’t see in herself -- even her scars have glitter -- he himself finds a gift for art hidden inside him, and he is sort of forced to man the F up and put his problems in context.

Throw in a really good soundtrack and you have one of the biggest sleeper movies I’ve seen in a while. Because “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” is a film about taking the damaged and making it beautiful.

And I believe our world could use a bit more of that.

“Okay, I know you're thinking, ‘What is this? Kid spends a few days in the hospital and all his problems are cured?’ But I'm not. I know I'm not. I can tell this is just the beginning. I still need to face my homework, my school, my friends. My dad. But the difference between today and last Saturday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life. Bike, eat, drink, talk. Ride the subway, read, read maps. Make maps, make art. Finish the Gates application. Tell my dad not to stress about it. Hug my mom. Kiss my little sister. Kiss my dad. Make out with Noelle. Make out with her more. Take her on a picnic. See a movie with her. See a movie with Aaron. Heck, see a movie with Nia. Have a party. Tell people my story. Volunteer at 3 North. Help people like Bobby. Like Muqtada. Like me. Draw more. Draw a person. Draw a naked person. Draw Noelle naked. Run, travel, swim, skip. Yeah, I know it's lame, but, whatever. Skip anyway. Breathe … Live.”

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: The NFL Has Finally Returned, Plus Karma Finally Catches Up To Bitch Davis

2011-07-29T08:11:00.001-05:00

The issues weren’t white and black
Arguing over billions of jack
The fans gave them a life raft
Then we still get the shaft
But F it -- at least football is back

Obama tried to make the issue plainer
After more lies from weepy Boehner
The debt has no easy cure
But all that I know for sure
Is we need a government that’s saner

She was quite a talent, they say
But couldn’t keep her demons at bay
Amy Winehouse has passed
Outpouring of emotion came fast
She could have turned it a different way

76 lives was the final toll
Many more was a madman’s goal
Norway was the massacre site
Home to tears, confusion and fright
At the hands of one with no conscience or soul

So this is the Carolina Way?
Pay Butch 3 mil to just go away
Had a cash-laden recruiting pitch
But he was O’Brien’s bitch
Guess lying and cheating pays all day

Last time …

"The Truth About The Economy"

2011-07-27T07:28:00.000-05:00

After weeks of debate about debt ceilings and last night's address by President Obama and the confusing rebuttal by John Boehner (thankfully, it featured no weeping), perhaps some cold, hard, succinct facts about the economy are in order.

I would say enjoy, but that would be difficult.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Clarke Perseveres, Makes It Dusty To Watch The Open, Plus The NFL Lockout Ain’t Over Yet

2011-07-22T08:11:00.000-05:00

Darren Clarke inspired McDowell and Rory
Who added to Northern Ireland glory
But his turn to raise the Claret Jug
And from a Guinness, he took a slug
From tragedy to the top, what an amazing story

Team USA played with skill and guile
But the mistakes, they started to pile
An epic stage for a national choke
But Japan’s heart was no joke
A nation so broken but now can smile

UNC just keeps on cheating
And Marvin Austin keeps on Tweeting
Butch still around is absurd
But that sound you just heard
Is thousands of rams bitching and bleating

From Steve Williams, Tigger did split
Did it on his site, another classy hit
One douche shit-canned another
But all the whining, oh brother
You’re both just piles of shit

Just get it done, NFL
I mean, seriously, what the hell?
A battle of millionaries
Against the billionaires
Yet it’s the fans who buy what you sell

Last time …

King’s Latest Could Be Called “When Thelma & Louise Meet Meth”

2011-07-21T08:03:00.002-05:00

“Life is basically a rusty hubcap lying in the ditch at the side of the road, and life goes on … This is as good as it gets. Her ship will not come in. There are no boats for nobody, and no camera is filming her life. This is reality, not a reality show.”

It would be difficult to top the dark feel of Stephen King’s most recent novel, “Full Dark, No Stars.” Yet he attempted to do so with his (very) short story that recently appeared in The Atlantic, titled “Herman Wouk is Still Alive.”

In this brief piece, King examines sad, despairing existences through the veil of white trash. He touches on the current state of the economy, the brutalities of aging, class divides and the war, in the context and from the perspective of two trailer brides who have no business parenting.

“Every time you see bright stuff, somebody turns on the rain machine. The bright stuff is never colorfast.”

Juxtaposed with the perspective of two successful, elderly poets (yet even these two are not entirely what they seem) trying to rekindle old passions, the end result is essentially “Thelma & Louise” gone way, way wrong. There is beauty in the writing, but it’s over so quickly you almost don’t know how to react or respond—which only speaks to the magic that King is still so ever-capable of.

“S” Is For “Shooting,” But Also For “Singing”

2011-07-19T08:18:00.000-05:00

Filed under “Things Could Be Worse,” this video depicts what lengths a heroic kindergarten teacher will go to to distract her students from the “narco gun massacre” taking place just outside the class. As one commenter pointed out, this just further reinforces how dramatically underpaid teachers truly are.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Politicans Can Even Argue Over Crippling Debt, Plus The Need To Hit The Lottery Increases

2011-07-15T07:12:00.000-05:00

Description of debt talks?
Just a lot of bitching and squawks
Rich partisans argue over words
A bunch of hypocritical turds
Guess bullshit talks and accountability walks

Players take an All-Star pass
Would rather fish for bass
Would rather work on tans
Than an opportunity to win back fans
National pasttime, my ass

James Harrison’s full of vinegar and piss
Cheater and douchebag also on his resume list
He’ll be on a police blotter
‘Cuz he’s nothing but a cheap shotter
He’s part of the NFL I don’t miss

The fraud they called “The Rocket”
Kept plenty of ‘roids in his pocket
Lied to one and all
But skated on a mistrial call
Cheating Auburn and the Patsies say, “Don’t knock it”!

Losing faith in a world out of reach
Worried about lessons I can teach
Violence spun out of control
Politics stuck in a black hole
I just want to live at the beach

Last time …

Filed Under "Things You Can't Make Up"

2011-07-12T07:07:00.000-05:00

Propelled By Norton, “Stone” Takes No Pause In Forcing Consideration Of Life’s Heaviest Questions

2011-07-11T08:04:00.000-05:00

When I was looking for something to watch the other day via free on-demand, I stumbled across “Stone,” which I’d never heard of. It caught my eye because of the acting combination of Robert DeNiro and Edward Norton, two tremendous character actors. While DeNiro has damaged his career by making some mind-numbing choices in recent years and Norton tends to just disappear for years at a time, I was intrigued enough to roll the dice on “Stone.”

DeNiro is aging quickly, making his role as world-weary, nearing-retirement parole officer Jack Mabry a good fit for him. Norton is striking as a corn-rowed-out convict (Gerald “Stone” Creeson”) up for parole eight years after playing a part in murdering his grandparents and then burning down their house. Norton reprises elements of his roles from both “Primal Fear” and “American History X,” two amazing films that demonstrated his depth of talent and ability to evoke intimidation that belies his appearance.

The cast is rounded out by the always-underrated Frances Conroy (most notable for her turn in “Six Feet Under”) and the still-striking Milla Jovovich, who is still most recognized for her omnipresence in the “Resident Evil” franchise—however, the peanut gallery pointed out that she should be most noteworthy due to the fact that parts of her anatomy could be used to tune in far-flung radio stations in Tokyo. Both Conroy and Jovovich played damaged and hard-to-judge wives, of Mabry and Creeson, respectively.

I’m not familiar with director John Curran’s other work, which includes “The Painted Veil” and “We Don’t Live Here Anymore,” but the cinematography (primarily shot in Michigan) was well-done in “Stone.” The plot hinged largely on transgressions only hinted at, especially on the part of DeNiro, though we know his character is hugely flawed based on a very powerful opening scene. As the movie progress, Curran turns his piece on the question of who, really, is more evil or immoral—Mabry or Creeson? Both are wary of the process and seek to use it to their advantage where they can.

The most difficult aspect of the flick to reconcile is whether Creeson has truly found a religion that is changing him, that is helping him to get in harmony and “hear” more clearly. Mabry, obviously, is skeptical, though both men are changing in opposite ways as the film progresses. By the end of the movie, Curran asks us to determine whether we should feel sorry for Mabry, flipping the roles of these two men who appear to be headed in opposite directions. And while Mabry’s wife Madylyn and Creeson’s wife Lucetta are left to deal with their own shocking actions, the movie closes with questions about who is now “hearing” on the right path.

“Stone” forces us to consider heavy issues involving religion, guilt, fate (most notably, Mabry would not have ever had to deal with Creeson if he would have agreed to give up his current case files in anticipation of his retirement), atonement, sin, hypocrisy, and the idea of whether people ever truly change. These enormous queries weigh down the movie with a darkness and pessimism that can be difficult to bear, but I still found this film to be thought-provoking (the symbolism of the fly is truly mesmerizing) and much different than what I anticipated.

I read that the movie wasn’t reviewed well and positively bombed at the box office, if those things matter in the stature of a flick anymore. Norton still has a magic about him in roles such as the one offered him in this one, and his performance is enough to merit consideration to watch—and consider—the enigmatic, difficult-to-categorize “Stone.”

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: Goodbye To A Pack Legend, Plus “The Office” Makes An Odd Decision

2011-07-08T08:03:00.000-05:00

When Lo Charles’ grave got dug
Pack heart strings got a tug
A lost link to a championship past
But at least, now at long last,
V’s got somebody to hug

A child abandoned and lost
For others, paid the ultimate cost
Who will speak for little Caylee
As her mother dances on daily?
With the trash, justice has been tossed

More trouble brewing in Chapel Hill
Of cheating, haven’t had their fill
Every day Bitch has the top job
Integrity takes a hit at UNC-Snob
But they really don’t get it … still

Blood taken once more than thrice
Veins are paying the price
For health, it’s a small fee
Ready to feel again like me
But what it is? Still no dice

Not to be an “Office” hater
But really -- fucking James Spader?!
That’s a death knell you just heard
Because this direction’s absurd
Michael Scott, can you come back later?

Last time …

Irony, Thy Name Is Hyatt ...

2011-06-27T08:20:00.000-05:00

On a recent trip to Chicago, it was hard to miss the drum-banging workers protesting against Hyatt. Making the scene more memorable was their proximity to a sign declaring Hyatt one of the "Top 100 Workplaces."

Good stuff.

Danny MacCaskill Is Somehow Still Alive And (Sort Of) Upright

2011-06-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago, I included a video of Danny MacCaskill here on the site, because I, like most, was blown away by his riding skills. Well, he’s back, he’s in Scotland, he’s accompanied by badarse music and he’s radding it up yet again.

Enjoy.

I Only Play … Rangế!

2011-06-20T07:51:00.000-05:00

Beyond some of the sophomoric, too-easy jokes, this one about the Rangế golf ball was pretty damn funny. And as an added bonus, “Seinfeld” staples Puddy, J. Peterman and Lloyd Braun make appearances …